December 2009 - Archived - Do Not Post Here
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November 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Next SLOARC Group Session: Tuesday, Dec 1st 5:30pm…
Steve–out
November 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Dang It Steve!!! I wanted to be the first blogger, unfair advantage!!! December is full of lots of parties so you know what that means, lots of fun at parties with family and friends sober and lovin it
I know the old close to the edge stuff, but none of us can lock ourselves in our homes and miss all the love. And there is no reason too. There’s to much wonderful life out there to not enjoy living it. It’s Christmas !!! I know there is a huge number of people that this season brings back memories, then sadness, then depression, then drinking or using. It hurts me inside for those that experience that. Cuz even thought my Dad is gone, and my Mom won’t know what day it is, all I remember is their love. It was a magical time of year, no one can rob me that. Sure I used to drink a ton too, but I don’t need that now. I know now I never really “needed” it. How happy I was with them, seeing their love for each other and for me, their alcoholic daughter. You know what, it was all good. The past can’t be changed but we can all make our future. Its wide open. God, the pink cloud is right over my head right now. Must be Christmas 
Hope to see some of you tomorrow night. Yeah, work will make me late again, but I’ll be there. Promise no bells or caroling, at this meeting, still a little early. Just give me time….. Rocking
December 1st, 2009 at 10:04 am
I won’t be in SLO this week. To much babysitting, business party, a wedding, and on top of that, I’m just exhausted. But that is all easy stuff!
Rockin- Proud of you going to your meeting. Especially proud of you starting back with your newcomers chip. Just gives me shivers down my back. And remember, like Steve always tells me, “Babysteps, always babysteps.” It’s true for anything. I’m watching my 3 yearold grandgirl running and hopping outside, and, just like anyone, when she was just starting, she’d slide around the floor. Then rock around the room. Got STRONGER, and pulled herself up on the couch. After a few bumps her CONFIDENCE grew, and she walked around the couch. As she became FAMILIAR with her routine, she ventured out and was walking on her own. But she never strayed from far from who she knew and trusted (AA), and when she felt herself starting for a tumble, she’d grab onto AA and became stable again.
Rockin- you made a good start. We will all keep each other going.
MK- Are you okay?
TTFN
December 1st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Wish I could have been at the meeting tonight. Hope it was great, and that everyone had questions answered that needed to be answered. I’m hoping that one day it won’t be so far for me to get to SLO and just pick up, and go to the meetings with ya all.
Okay, getting late over here. Break a leg, and talk to ya tomorrow. Rockin, keep doing what you are doing. til tomorrow
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
Good Morning, Yes Stinker, got to the meeeting late but it was full of good stuff. Some fun and some good questions asked and answered. Great step forward for me yesterday. Had a very stressfull day at work. Was pouring over figures trying to find a needle in a haystack, so to speak, on something I could not get balanced. At 5:30 realized as tired as my poor eyes were and as stressed as I was from starting my day at a meeting at 6:30 am I was not going to find it. Packed everything up, drove down to SLOARC, came home and just felt tired. A good tired. Didn’t feel on edge, just like I had put in a full day. And this morning feel ready to tackle it again. All that is good stuff.
Do something for your sobriety today!! Yes, thats what I took from me from the meeting last nite. Have heard it a million times from Steve but for some reason it stuck this time. Enjoy what the day has to offer and make a point of listening to some music. Peace Out, XOXO
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:14 am
Thanks to all that attended last nights SLOARC group! It’s fun to sit with a group of folks from such diverse backgrounds and jobs, and still be able to relate to addiction in the same manner.
You folks all “get it” and that makes us a unique group.
Have a great day all, and yes, do AT LEAST one thing for your sobriety today!
Steve–out
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I wrote something, and it’s not here. Chritmas Gremlins?
Well, I’ll have to write later, Today is hubby’s BD, and the turkey needs to go into the oven. Have a wonderful evening. TTFn
How you doing Rockin stuff? Remember, baby steps, baby steps….
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:00 am
Good morning All,
Have to disagree with you here Stinker, Rockin the key here is Carpe Diem (seize the day ) grab the program and work it for all it’s worth give your sobriety the energy and effect that you would give it if you were doing it for somebody you love deeply and couldn’t live without namely you. Because as you well know without sobriety all the rest is meaningless (Work, Husband, Marriage, etc.) make your sobriety a celebration, a life sentence of happiness so to speak.
Strat
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
wow, strat, took the thought right out of my fuckin’ pea-brain. thx
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Nice going Rockin, what I love the most about your posts is the honesty. for me that was the hardest part of getting clean. But now i find it to be a comfort and you will too. Jump in with both feet and attack your recovery as if your life depended on it. Just trudge forward each day with your (metaphorical) guns drawn!
MK
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Sorry about the baby steps. Something Steve has told me when on the edge. I’m beginging to think I just don’t know what I’m talking about.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Ahh, Stinker, ya know what your talking about. I just can’t take baby steps right now. I’ve been 90 plus days, I know what that took, and I know I can do it again. I have to, as they are saying, jump in with both feet, get my fucking head in the right place and keep it there. Sobriety is a real, tangible asset. Something that I feel I can physically hold. And yes, to hold it means complete honesty not only with others, but with one’s self.
So I saw my Couselor today. She was so apologetic about the “mood pill withdrawal” experience I went through. She explained how I should have been tapered off slowly from one med then slowly adjusted to the next. She gave complete credence to everything I experienced, except she did not think it was the paxile, but the withdrawals from the effexor that cased all the problems. In any case, just knowing the horrible pinging in my brain, the feeling of coming out of my skin, was what I should have been experiencing, sadly enough helped. So Friends, I am normal. She understood the hopelessness I described, during which time unfortunately I drank. God, just speaking all of those feelings out loud, it really helped. We’re working on that, speaking, describing, letting others know whats inside, doing it appropriately. Being honest. If you leave it all inside one day when you get shook up enough the damn cork is going to blow off and you’ll be lucky to salvage anything after the erruption.
So I am pulling out the big guns and blazing ahead. My sponsor even commented on the fact that I am not beating myself up as badly with this relapse. At this point in my sobriety, I have honestly examined my thoughts, triggers, feelings, and I think it is counter-productive. I have to move forward or die. Learn from it, and work it, work it, work it.
Please, all of you keep up blogging, expressing yourselves, you never know when something you’ve felt or experienced might be the key to helping someone make it thru another day of sobriety. Or by expressing yourself you have kept yourself moving forward in the light.
Keep the faith, and communication lines open with your own “H.P.”
December 4th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Hey bupester
Guess what? remember when you ask if anybody have gotten shingles, well guess what just got back from my G.P. and low and behold shingles don’t know if it’s got anything to do with Suboxone (not likely) but strange coincident anyway.
Strat
December 4th, 2009 at 9:13 am
we’re just an infectious bunch. both physically and emotionally
December 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Next SLOARC Group Session: Tuesday, Dec. 15th, 5:30pm at the office!
Steve–out
December 4th, 2009 at 9:34 am
P.S. I know that “tinging in your brain” feeling. I stopped taking my lexapro too abruptly and felt like I was going to explode. It was one of my “I am not taking any more pills at all” moods. I was convinced by a group of recovery zealots that I was being duped by the good doctor. One of the many bumps along the road. Abruptly stopping most antidepressents can lead to seizures folks, so don’t follow my lead on that one. Glad you got some good information rockin.
MK
December 4th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Thanks for explaining Rockin.
December 6th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Is everyone okay?
December 6th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Yes Stinker, just a busy weekend
December 7th, 2009 at 12:12 am
So Busy!!!!! Friday nite was our Chamber Year End Get-Together at an adorable restaurant. While everyone else toasted wine, my hubby and I toasted chilled pomagranite juice in a crystal flute. Up at 5 am Saturday, ready and out the door to Templeton’s Cowboy Christmas to get the event set up. Drank lots of coffee cuz burrrr it was cold. Loved working the traffic control for the beautiful horses from Harris Stage Lines pulling the hay rides during the afternoon. Home to warm up and grab a quick nap before running to my Big Bosses Holiday Party. Lots of alcohol, some of my old favs, J.D. and Tequila Shots, for the guests & band members in between sets. But I was more than content drinking some sweet holiday punch on ice and eating so many wonderful pot luck samplings. Danced and talked up a storm all nite!!! Next day up before 6 am again. Lots of coffee then off on the motorcycle. First stop was a meeting with my sponsor. Hubby dropped me off to meet my sponsor. We had a heart to heart talk about my relapse, the program and what I learned. And as hard a leason as it was, I did learn. It was silly to fear her, she has been through some of the same shit and has a strong base of sobriety. Finished up our meeting with my assignment for working Step 4. Left her and jumped on the back of the Harley with hubby and headed down to Avila Beach for the Toys for Tots Run. OMG was it cold!!!!! Drank lots more coffee waiting for friends that were a no show. Poor wussys, too cold to come out to play. Headed out with the huge group at 10:30 to the Loading Chute in Creston for a delicious BBQ lunch topped with lots more hot coffee. Good God, how anyone could be drinking beer, wine and bloody marys was beyond me. Checked out the hundreds of awesome bikes, bundled back up, facemask and all, and headed home. After a hot shower and nap we watched football, put up our Christmas tree and had some homemade chili fresh out of the crock pot.
Rockin
Well, its 11 pm, got the alarm set for 5 am. Monday starts another week. Better get to bed or I will be really sorry tomorrow. It was a whirlwind of a weekend, no desire to drink even though it was everywhere. I just didn’t need it to have fun. What a concept….
Peace out, Love to All and to All a Goodnight
December 7th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
God Rockin your life sounds full and wonderful,good for you
mk
December 10th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Ok so WHERE the heck is everyone?? Much too quiet out there….especially for the holiday season…This is the time we need to communicate even more than usual…Hopefully everyone is just busy with shopping and healthy stuff like that!
Next SLOARC Group Session: Tuesday, Dec. 15th, 5:30pm at the office…..
Steve–out
December 10th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Hey Steve,
Are you insinuating that I’m a slacker? It was one year ago today that
I walked in through the door of Sloarc and my life has been a daily blessing and has been on an upward trajectory ever since. So thank you Sloarc.
Strat
December 10th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Ah…I figured I could bring out at least one of you! Ha ha..Congrats Strat…
It has been a pleasure to watch you continue on in your sobriety……
Steve–out
December 10th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Present.
December 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Excellent! Can’t be losin’ our Stinkerbelle!
Steve–out
December 10th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Wow, another week just flew by!! Thank God tomorrow is Friday and I have absolutely nothing on the calendar. Yahoo
All week I have been working on financial reports after I got home from work and I made my presentation today. I am so-o-o good if I say so myself !!!! I think they want to keep me now while all I wanted to do was get everything in perfect order so I could hand it off to someone elses capable hands. Thats part of my survival plan, its hard, but I have to let go of a few things to make room for me. My time. I give so much of me that sometimes I wonder if there’s anything left over.
BUT tonight I had some me time. Drove down in the pouring rain to have a visit with Doc and Mr. Steve. Left after a hug, picked up some chocolate covered marshmellow Santa’s and went to have dinner with Mom. I so love my Mom and all the beautiful ladies in Sydney, putting a smile on their faces fills me with so much joy. After I got home I put a cute little bow tie on my little Aussie Shepard baby girl and decorated the tree in front of the fire. Bones was on the TV, if any of you watched it, I turned into a blubbering baby at the end when they were talking about Christmas, family, peace on earth. There is so much sadness and hate in this world, I choose to surround mine with happiness and love. It’s not easy so much of the time. I wish it was… I have lost family, friends, pets I have loved dearly. Things in life and the world that surrounds me aren’t perfect. I didn’t choose to be an alcoholic, but I am. Every morning I wake up I have a life, and a choice. I choose to remember those I’ve lost with joy. They lived life and I was fortunate to be a part of theirs. I have been through too many Christmas where I made the choice to dwell on the loss, the sadness, to drink to try to find something in me or forget, refusing the free gift of the season. All I know is I want to make this short time I have left on this rock worth every second. Share all the happy memories in my heart and create many, many more.
I know I am the relapse queen speaking here, but I feel so much more grounded right now. That said, I know I still don’t have a strong foundation. Sobriety is a gift that is worth working for. Please let this season be full of joy, don’t let your memories be dark, I know if my Dad were here he would share his smile and contagious laugh with all of us. God my Daddy was my hero. And I honor him by letting his memory bring me nothing but happiness.
Done with the mush. Love to All My Fellow Bloggers!!!! Peace Out
December 11th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Oh No. I think I scared the blogging masses.
To be honest with you, I am sometimes scared when I leave my heart so completely open with all of you I will be hurt one day. But I can take it, after all, big girls don’t cry. Right??? Have a great sober weekend. Grab all the holiday joy you can, its free!!!!!!!!!!! Rockin
December 11th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Well I’m still around….
Been a whirlwind few weeks actually, lots of new players and several are way “low-bottom” folks, and I can’t figure it out but they’re actually doing well out of the gate, makes NO sense.
Holidays are a dangerous time, people get overwhelmed and then families who don’t really like each other hang out because of a sense of duty and resentments start and and and.
Remember, it’s AOK to leave uncomfortable situations, the people left will barely notice!
Dr H
December 12th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Good Morning all,
You know it’s weird Doc. but I’ve observed what I like to call the Hope/Fear/Loss Ratio, the lower the hope level and the higher the fear level,and throw in the potential for loss, the better the surrender that person experiences resulting in a more open state of acceptance and the chance that the person will get the twelve step programs content. But if there’s any hope left or no fear of loss then that persons addict will use that hope to keep telling that poor soul that he or she is still in charge of the game. I know this is a huge generalization but it holds true in many cases.
More Rambling By
Strat
December 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am
At MB.
Strat, when will you write a book?
Dr. H, you ARE a whirlwind. And regarding your new patients; addicts are unpredictable, right? Or as you have said, a squirelly lot, they are!
Since i lost my brother in august, and they don’t want to have christmas this year, and my sister tends to say “nice” things that make me cry, i think we’ll be here for christmas. right now i’m dealing with all the memories of people we buried this year, and i dont want to get anyone low, but that is where i’m at. especially my son and brother. the feeling comes to my stomach, up to my throat, and i can’t stop the tears. but happy times are still there. i’m connecting with a new friend , and i’m grateful for that.
Rockin- you keep building your foundation. Like the bible says, a house built on sand can fall. One built on rock and faith; stable. you sound good.
love to all. helloo mk
December 13th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Opps. Didn’t change name on this computer…
December 13th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Have an idea. Looking at this house, it needs a good days cleaning, and in Feb? ? I’ll make a Tuesday nite meeting, and maybe afterwards, we can go to Denny’s or something, have dinner or coffee, and get to know each other a little bit more. If allowed. Blessing to all, and TTFN…
December 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Hi all..just a reminder, next SLOARC Group Session: Tues, Dec. 15th, 5:30pm at the office…
Steve–out
December 13th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Stinkerbelle, you confused me with the Drama Queen thing there. And honey it doesn’t take much some days.
Last night I was happily watching Cops listening to it pouring rain and BOOM, lights went out!! Got out the candles and decided it was a great reason to get cozy under the covers to read the 12 & 12 AND the Big Book. Was meeting with my sponsor Sunday am anyway so what the heck. Workin Step 4. My sponsor said she has actually lost some sponsees on this step cuz they couldn’t handle it. I am so ready and so open to this step right now. Facing my resentments and my fears is freeing. What I find so awesome is I walked into SLO ARC a year ago just to do something to keep my husband, I didn’t think I was an alcoholic, but I had to take action about my drinking to make him happy. When I think now about all that has transpired since then, the ups the downs, but most of all, the changes in my life, the fact it is still changing, and I’m embracing it. It is fucking nothing short of amazing. Those statements start to ring of “ME”, buts its not all about me, and it is. Because the changes I am making in me are affecting those around me. Not only those I love, but the way I interact with others, the way I handle myself in situations. I am still growing, I still screw up a lot, but instead of beating myself up, I am learning. I can’t change what has happened, but I can change how I react in the future. God this is cool shit. Yes, I had a very good meeting with my sponsor this morning. We are really starting to understand each other. We have some differences in opinion, but the basics of the program don’t change.
Anyway, I have to get to work on some “volunteer stuff” now or I will be kicking myself later tonight. Another week ahead, AND a Steve Get Together on Tuesday night not to miss!!!! Hope to see ya’all there. Sending out Holiday Happiness
December 14th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Doc- love to hear about the new folks- what is “low bottom”? oh never mind- whenever I think of someone taking that first step I feel a kinship and a sense of hope. It really is a miracle when you think about it someone taking that first terrifing step toward a new life-
Family at Holidays- it is absolutley OK to say no thank you, to step outside, or to leave. Try to channel your survival instinct- not your “I have to make everybody happy instinct” Spend time with people/animals who make you happy and feel loved. just my thoughts
MK
December 15th, 2009 at 2:31 am
MK- Thanks for the last paragraph. I really needed to hear that; thanks for sharing your thoughts. Holidays are full of stress, because family knows which buttons to push, and do it the best.
December 16th, 2009 at 7:01 am
up really early for no reason in particular, so i thought i would say hi. now that i am done with school for a month. i might actually have time to blog. hello to everyone i haven’t met, and hello to everyone i have. i’ll try and be on here a little more often. happy holidays!
JWS
December 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am
JWS!!!! Have missed your sweet blogs….
December 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
yes I am still waiting for Sacramento- the decision that was suppose to take 30-45 days is now into day 89. I keep getting the runaround- finally called the actual judge who heard the case- said he was geting the decisions out this week-um its Wednesday- don’t know if he is blowing smoke or not SO- I decided to turn it over to my higher power. I really do think happiness is a choice, so I choose to be happy I am finding positive happy things to do this holiday season. It really is the little simple things that make me happy- that and big diamond earrings-kidding
MK
December 16th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Morning all
Hey M.K ever since you told your story on this blog I’ve been thinking good thoughts for your situation. Your patience is to be commended I know I’d be climbing the walls trying to somehow force the situation in my favor and we all know how productive asserting our self will can be not to mention the threat to sobriety that it can cause if not careful.
So hang in there. I’m kinda thinking that if was a negative decision you would have heard by now. With that said do you have a Plan B?
Strat
December 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
MK- So many people having to take days off; that sure would slow an even slower government that’s at snails pace without people taking their mandatory days off????? Just a thought.
(Except for the mail. Thank God they keep on keeping.)
Luck MK.
December 16th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Thank you Strat, Mk, Steve, DrH, Rockin, everyone who wrote about the stres of Christmas. Just to prove that the blog can be a great tool, hear is my story. Turn off if you don’t need the stress of reading it.
Short version: Brother passed away in August. His family want to do theirs alone. Understand. Sister and I make plans for next Sunday evening, my home, we’re cooking. Done, did, finish. Get a call early Mon. morn. One of her daughters has something sun. nite, can’t come. Can we make it for 12=1, lunch? We have had bunco for 20 some years the nite before, and by the time we make it back to country, it’s 1 or 2 a.m. So we will have 2 hours of sleep, to get up and start cooking. I chew my nails. I pace. I break out in welts. I cry. I kick a post. (Stupid) Then I remember what ya all been saying “family knows your buttons and will push them. they will play you like a board game.” So, instead of pushing myself where is a bad place, I called her, told her if 1 can’t come and that prevents the rest from coming, then next year will pick our date out 3 months in advance and people will still have things that pop up.
Family will be arriving at 5 p,m,, as usual.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I know what you mean about the stress of the holidays. x-mas = me fighting with my mom’s fiance (a.k.a. my step). But for now he is out of town, and I am thoroughly enjoying time with my mom, and my break from school. It is so nice to be 99% stress free for once in my life. As for the family issues, what helps me the most is taking a moment to calm down, away from my family, in order to prevent me from saying something I will have to make amends for later. Remember that people are who they are, we can’t change them. It is important to appreciate everything exactly as it is. Only then can you see the beauty that life has to offer. It is hard to stay calm sometimes, but remember it is not a crime to get angry. When you feel the anger rising within you (or any other emotion), own it. Recognize that it is there, take a second to realize what is happening, and then let it go….sorry for all the advice lol i have been reading a book on Buddhism and attending a Buddhist church and it is sort of changing my life. hope something i said helps someone out there. love you all and wish you the best during this very tricky season.
JWS.
December 19th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Great advice JWS.
Another great thought is from Thumper’s mom. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say nothin at all!!!”
It’s just that my sister makes me feel so………….little sister that never grew up? But I did, and phooy if she doesn’t like my life.
December 21st, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Hi all….mighty quiet here again…..Hope everyone is resting and enjoying some time off…..Our next SLOARC Group Session will be Tuesday, Jan. 5th, 5:30pm…Happy Holidays everyone!!
Steve–out
December 21st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Radio silence is usually not a good thing when related to addiction. In my case I have been busy with other issues. On Friday my Wife had outpatient surgery so I’ve been playing nurse, the reason I bring this up is because one of my functions is giving her drugs at the appointed times, now the very cool thing about this is that a year ago I would have been trying to figure out a way to scam a few off the top without getting caught not to mention dreaming up schemes to con the Doctor into another refill etc.etc. But now I have zero impulses in that direction and all those old feelings and obsessions are gone. The bottle is sitting on the counter in the kitchen and that’s just what it’s doing sitting, it’s not calling to me to take some, count the pills, manipulate ,steal cheat and lie to get more. I have zero feelings one way or the other about them and that in my case is huge just thought I’d share that with you because I’m pretty happy about it.
Hey J.W.S. what Buddhist Sangha have you been attending been practicing Buddhist philosophy for years but never went so far as attending a Sangha.just curious?
Strat
December 21st, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Good for you Strat! I had the same situation helping my ex recover from surgery lately…Went to the pharmacy and picked up her Norco for her, which she sat on the table next to the TV….I COULDN’T take my eyes off it, and just asked her to move it…after that all was well..ha ha…..I never gave it another thought, but my addict was certainly awake for a moment! Ha ha….
I also just thought it through and saw where it would take me, had I chose to sample a bit! Not a pretty picture……
Talk to you all later,
Steve–out
December 21st, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hope your ladies are well and healing nicely. They are in my prayers.
We are going to Tahoe, first time since the “car accident” and honestly, first time I’m not on the floor counting my PILLS so I could take “extra” and have a REALLY good time. And like Strat said, coming up with lies to tell the Dr. “I was putting on my makeup,and my new bottle fell down the drain. ALL OF THEM. I think someone was over and stole them from my purse! I was somewhere, sat my purse down with all the other womens, and they were GONE! But my back is REALLY out. How can I keep up with everyone? (that one came to bite me in the butt with my knees) The housekeeper? Dropped out of my open purse in 1)parking lot 2) resturant 3) movies 4) store, blah, blah, blah.” Good feeling to Tell the Truth, and to Know the Truth.
Went to our annual Christmas Bunco Sat. Starts at 7. The ‘country folk’ make it on time, we sit for an hour or more for the ‘city friends’, eat, drink, and finally around 10 start playing. I opted out (tummy upset), and friends daughter asked her Auntie to play the last two games for her cuz she’d been out to late, drank to much, and had a headache. (Hubby got high score, and I had 6 buncos, but gave the money to her since she paid, I didn’t.)
Thing is, had no social drink, drank my diet pepsi on crushed ice, and had a great time. We were in bed by 2, and up at 6 for my family side’s Christmas. Sister said something, and I wanted to shoot back with my mouth……….hmmmm…….but after sitting and thinking I told myself, I’d still be the one left feeling bad, and I didn’t have to apologize or say anything later. Ball’s in her court, so they say.
We can do this. Just cuz it’s a holiday, you only need to remember the reason for the season. Love and joy to all…
Happy holidays, PS
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
You know I think its been said in a round about way here on the blog but here goes. Just because their family doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them, bounderies are a good thing. Families should not be allowed to hurt you just because you were born into the same tribe. I’ve personely put a 250 mile boundery around myself as regards my family after years of trying to get across to them that thier behaviour was hurtfull,self centered and self defeating. I just got up and moved and it’s help in so many ways. I get to choose when to visit how long and where, this may seem drastic but you don’t know my family(cue the sound track to Jaws) it works for me. the point here is that just because their family doesn’t give them the right to hurt you.
Strat
P.S. the first time I moved it was 2,000 miles away so things have actually gotten better LOL
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
I totally agree with Strat! There is no law that says we HAVE to even love our families! Ha ha….We certainly didn’t choose them…..Don’t want to be rude and mean this time of year, but BOUNDARIES certainly need to be made and upheld….and don’t forget, if you attend holiday parties always have an escape plan…Drive yourself, or make sure the person you are with is willing to leave when you say it’s time!
Steve–out
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Strat, I’ve read about the family thing also. Thing is, I BELIEVE in miracles? And in doing so, I set myself up everytime. My sister is a hard nose bad butt, always has been. I’ve been meek and mild MOST of my life, and she brings it out in me. True stories. My mom died in 1995. She told me one day while we were alone in the hospital…watch your back with your brother and sister. They have, and will continue to eat you alive. Then she told my husband to keep me away from them as much as possible. So, my dad is ill and passed away coming on 4 years now. In the nursing home, he tells me, watch out for your sister first , brother second. They aren’t true or honest, and your mom and I used to say, God gave us stinkerbelle because of the first two. I never bad mouthed my parents, never ran away, did what I could do to help when I lived under their roof. (no, I’m not saying i’m perfect, far from it…i might have been younger, but I watched and listened with ears and a heart that could see what they did to my parents, and tried not to imitate them.) So, I get warnings from both parents. We don’t speak often, my sister is an important RN who rules the hospital and the drs she works with. LOL. I’d love to see Dr H. get around her. My brother and I made amends when he went to jail, and no one would answer his calls. My sister said, “he embaressed me.” YOU? He had problems that put him in the ground way to soon, and you couldn’t forgive him? I think he embaressed himself if anyone.. and we became close, but he could not take the vodka bottle out of his hands. Had been talking to him about Dr.H, but then the heart attack, and 6 months after that, gone. I’ve always said, it’s not for me to judge…I have a Judge that I need to face.
After this weekend of trying to have a nice Christmas Eve, I told my husband after they left, this is it, I’m done. Went to bed early, and slept like a log. Next year we’ll be in Morro Bay with our little family. I have plenty of friends that are ‘family, sisters and brothers’, and we are connected by “heartstrings.” Like I said, I had to try one more time. Now with Easter around the corner, don’t know what I’ll do. Are there Easter egg hunts in Morro Bay or surrounding towns? I’m tired of my sister sitting her grandkids around my Christmas tree, taking picture after picture, while my 2 stand away. Of course my 3 yr old just sat down towards the end and wouldn’t get out of the shots. Yea baby! She won’t be bossed around, and she knows her cousins are family.
Thanks for letting me ramble on about it. Now I can bury the tears, and get on with MY life. Joy to all, ps
(Our NYE starts at 5 p,m, with our dearest friends since HS, a movie, and usually home by 10 p.m. The non drinkers go to the movie, letting the drinkers go on and keep partying. Has worked for us for nearly 30 years. Everyone be safe, and even if YOU are sober, watch out for the other person. Don’t know where the rest of the people on the road have been. Bless you all.)
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Gosh, I’m sorry my blog went so long. I guess I got lots out. Thanks…
December 24th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Hey ya’ll it’s the Rat Dog, off the porch an running free he he he. So I hope to all my sober friends that there aren’t too many of you not having a good Christmas. Hi Doc and Ole Banjo man. Hey Steve my friends up here in Mill Valley and Petaluma like your music alot. Thank God I didn’t tell them about you being a plucker ha ha. No kidding, they like you.
Things are alright with me and I am rolling nines straight across the board Steve ha ha. I figured out why I was putting whooops the Grand Kids demand my presence in the game room. They love the way I Whii ha ha. We are playing baseball and suck. I’ll get back soon. Merry XMas the Rat Dog
December 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Ps Hi rockin stuff, Keep on Rolling girl RD
December 25th, 2009 at 8:18 am
OMG!!!!!! Ratdog is back!! What a nice Holiday surprise! Wonderful to see you here again…..
Have a great Holiday everyone….Our next SLOARC Group Session will be Tuesday, Jan. 5th, 5:30pm at the office!
Steve—out
December 26th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Well all of you all in bloggerland, I hope that you all have had a safe and sane Christmas, or is that the Fourth of July? No I really mean it. I hope everyone had a Merry one. This year was my second X-Mas without drugs of any kind. My 24th without booze. Boy that’s a damn miracle for me ha ha ha.
Anyway still up in Petaluma visiting family and having a great time. This morning I am going to the Johnny Otis radio broadcast in Cotati. Too the heads of my generation, he’s the “Hand Jive” dude and has a live radio show Saturday a.m. from the basement of a brewery in Sebastapol. God it’s funky living the life and not the disease now. I love this new life that is granted me on a daily basis. I might joke around and have fun, but underneath it all I am Dead serious.
Christmas morning I went with my brother in law to the Alano Club for a meeting. I must admit I needed one, what with me losing my 55 yr old brother to the swine flu in Oct. Me and him would always exchange the goofiest gifts. Man I miss him. Anyway the Club they have here is first class. If anyone is traveling the Old Redwood Highway and wants a meeting, Go here. You won’t be dissappointed.
Well my doggies seem to want to goout in the freezing a.m. And deal with nature. I’ll ride this one out in the mud room ha ha. Bye for now ya’ll. Ratdog
December 26th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Doc an Steve, your blog clock is off. It seems to me that I always have to spot this ha ha ha
December 26th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Hope everyone had a good day yesterday…..Mine was very calm, no drama or trauma! Much DIFFERENT from the old days for sure…..ha ha…
Sounds like you had a great time Ratdog….I will see what we can do about the blog clock, OR we can just wait for the next time change!!! Ha ha….
Next SLOARC group Session: Tuesday, Jan. 5th, 5:30pm!
Take care all,
Steve—out
December 26th, 2009 at 9:30 am
ahhhh…..
isn’t it nice to only have to deal with the trivial
and not be concerned with whom or what was damaged on xmas
December 26th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Well, another Christmas come and gone. My stress was not relatives this year, no, mine was work. I sometimes think people are just plain stupid then need to place the blame elsewhere, so that’s where I come in at my job. Then all the fraud out there this time of year, hey Merry Friggin Xmas from the bad guys. Then the people that are supposed to be on the same team, that work for the same Co., but in different departments. Job justification and nastiness. Then one friend of 20 years, took care of his business for him, gone the next day. Another gentleman, in ICU, knew he wasn’t coming out, trying to get his business done, and done right. The memories of my father-in-law laying in bed his last days. The color of his tongue. I was the only one that could visit him, not his son or granddaughter. So I visited this man in ICU a couple of times then would sit in my car and cry. Then back to work, to deal with all I’ve just described above. I really thought sinking into the bottle would not be bad. All the pain, its like I become a sponge for it. Honestly I wanted to drink it away. Whatever happened to drinking for fun?? Thats how it all started wasn’t it??? But I don’t need alcohol for fun anymore. I need to drink for a release. So it has been a hard mind trip this season, and no, I didn’t call anyone like I should have. I clammed up and let it eat me up inside. No drinking, but I did come down with the flu really bad. My body just got weak from all the stress. So instead of enjoying my office party I spent the time puking at home. Just lovely.
But the happy times, YES there were. I went on a bus trip to look at Christmas lights with the group from Sydney. Sitting next to my Mom, holding her hand for those few hours. It was fun. On the way back my Mom pointed at a gas station and said “How beautiful”. And I thought, yes Mom, life is beautiful. We are together another Christmas. Then Christmas Eve with my girls at the office. It was fun, breakfast, gift exchange, bonding. I bought a ton of Sees candy’s and one of the girls decorated a basket so I had a beautiful gift for all the angels that take care of my Mom. Then Christmas Day, new Wii, and husband’s daughter got us (me) the Aerosmith Guitar Hero to go with it. Bought myself the Wii Fit so I can start to work off all these Christmas calories. But the important stuff, Christmas pastries at Sydney with Mom and husband. Then home to clean and cook (not me, I clean) for dinner with Husbands daughter, now nearly 30, and her husband. Awesome time. Played Wii and damn, asleep before 10 pm.
So no family stress, all external, but enough that it affected me very negatively mentally. Very negatively. Even physically. Whats that Chrismas wish, Peace on Earth !!!! Probably never gonna happen, but I wish you all peace in your hearts and peace and understanding with your “own’ Higher Power. Love to All, Rockin
December 26th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Hi Ratdog. Have missed you, and my sympathies to you loosing your brother. We share that this year, and I sure missed mine this year real bad. God Bless them.
I had my stressful Christmas with sister and her family on Sunday. I tried, I REALLY tried not to let my sister get to me…but…I did. Steve wrote a nice thing that has given me courage to speak up for myself, and I have lots of friends who I’m closer to, and we consider ourself family, so I’m not without.
Hubby cooked yesterday, and only took me 5 loads in the dishwasher to finish cleaning…just a few minutes ago! I don’t know what it is, but he has to use EVERY dish I have…and God Bless him for that.
Rockin…glad to hear you on the blog. Glad you spent time with your mom.
Won’t be at the first Jan. meeting, but will try for the next.
So, Merry Christmas to all, filled with Candy Cane kisses…stinker
December 28th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
admin,
are you getting cases of abuse with tapentadol?
or varients?
just curious
December 28th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Hi Bube…..We haven’t had any patients come to us wanting to get off Tapentadol,(AKA Nucynta) although it’s certainly possible we will see some in the future…Tapentadol seems to be an opioid type pain medication similar to Tramadol….and Yes, we have a few patients who presented with heroin like withdrawal while taking only Tramadol (Ultram)….
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tuesday, Jan. 5th, 5:30pm at the office…
Steve–out
December 29th, 2009 at 12:34 am
i ducktaped a chair today with black and white duck tape. it looks really cool. i find that doing arts and crafts is a form of meditation for me. sorry that was random. i hope everyone is well…feeling too awake right now so i felt that i should say something. have a good night everyone!
JWS.
December 30th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Hi guys MK checking in- STILL haven’t heard from the nursing board about the outcome of my hearing- 99 days today. God grant me the serenity…….
my question is to bupster or any of you that have weaned yourself to a lower dose of suboxone. I have gone from 16mg/day down to 4mg/day now I’m going to 2mg want to stay there.( Its for financial reasons.) My question is this did any of you feel any different on the lower doses then on the higher doses. I find that there is no difference in the 16 mg vs. the 4 mg but the 2mg is a different story. 3 days after I lower the dose I wake up in the am and am a little achy- I am surprised how relativley painless this is and how a tiny sliver of suboxone works- has anyone had this experience? Happy New Year to all
MK
December 30th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
mk,
i did 2mg for quite some time.
i found myself, or my addict, waking up for more.
looking back i feel it was the physical aspect of withdrawal,
rather than mental - maybe both.
i feel where you’re coming from - the shit’s expensive,
but it’s also cheap insurance against relapse.
according to wiki-answers, generic sub should soon be available.
whether someone else can synthesize it, or not, remains.
i’m back up to 16mg - too many side effects with less.
December 30th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Thanks for the info Bupster!
The “where the rubber meets the road” and “get your hands dirty” addiction doctors seem to agree that there’s a “wall” of sorts at 4mg, one half a 8/2 Suboxone pill. Going from 32 mg to 4 mg is reasonably doable, but going from 4 to zero is intolerable.
There is “generic” buprenorphine released, but there are a BUNCH of problems that brings up.
Since it’s only buprenorphine and doesn’t have the naloxone added, it is more amenable to being “abused”, the naloxone there only to keep the needle people away from it.
So the generic HAS some interest to the needle folks. Reckitt Benckiser set it up so that Suboxone (the one WITH the naloxone in it) was priced HIGHER than the single ingrediant Subutex, and the world was happy because like 98% of the bupe on the street was Suboxone (WITH naloxone)
So… as a responsible addiction doctor, do I just cave in to the brand name/generic price difference, or is the “right thing” to NOT prescribe generic to keep it off the street?
I think flooding the streets with bupe won’t work out so well, then the regulators will make it schedule 2, then it WON’T be legal to treat opiate addiction with it…..
Dr H
December 30th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Bupster, do I recall correctly you had a sobriety slip on champagne one christmas eve a few years back? I tell that story all the freakin time as I continue to try and convince people there are TWO SEPARATE ENTITIES, the “person” and the “addict”. If it was you, do me a favor and tell us the story.
Dr H
December 30th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Steve here…Doc I think you meant to say that Subutex is priced higher than Suboxone, to help keep it off the streets…Another potential problem with generic buprenorphine is that it is NOT classified as a generic version of Suboxone..Therefore if your insurance is paying for your Suboxone, they WILL NOT pay for generic Subutex.
I was talking with one of our “old, bold, junkies” today, and he said he had used subutex I.V., just to stay out of withdrawal, and even shooting it, there was no euphoria or high from it…As Doc and I have discussed and heard from Docs all over the U.S., it seems that only “lame” addicts will even try to use Bupe for a get high…..The diversion problem we are aware of is folks using it on the street to get from one fix to the next without going into withdrawal…
Come on all you Suboxone patients, do ANY OF YOU get high or euphoric from taking Subs?????
AND WHERE IS OUR RECENT ALCOHOL patient that PROMISED to get on the blog???? Hope to see you here soon….I also talked to more “lurker” patients this week….(That’s the folks who read the blog regularly, but don’t post….) Come on everyone, join in….Will see many of you tomorrow (Thrusday) at the office..
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tuesday, Jan. 5th, 5:30pm at the office…How about it Bupester, you gonna show your mug at that session????? Love to have you….
Steve—out
December 30th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
I remember a night maybe 5 years ago. My dr. had also prescribed me ultram. Didn’t use it, it wasn’t norco. I was in hard, deed withdrawl, just waiting for my refill date to come. Went through my purse, found the ultram, took 2, and felt instant relief in 30 minutes. Made me a believer then that this was probably not a good drug for an addict to be around. So, why is it being prescribed as ”non-addicting; non-narcotic?”
When on Sub, never felt high. Just felt like the old self. Period.
Happy New Years all.
December 31st, 2009 at 9:38 am
Hi all happy New year.
M.K. I ran across the clinical trials report of Suboxone when I first started taking it and it was my understanding (which is limited) that 2mg. of Suboxone still saturates the receptors almost 100% but does not last the 30 plus hours that a full dose would so your experiencing withdrawals. Now maybe the Doc would like to chime in hear, but it’s also my understanding that Suboxone due to its ability to bind so well to your opiate receptors for long periods of time (vs. the stuff we use to get high on which would saturated the receptors to higher levels and then receded within a few hours) is a real bear to withdraw from if not done correctly (very slowly over a long period of time) I know I’m not using the correct medical terminology but that’s my limited understanding. As for getting high on Sub. Nope, but I am aware that I have taken something an hour or so after I dose myself but it’s certainly not euphoria.
Well back to the reason I signed on to the blog in the first place this morning. I just wanted to say how blessed I am to have 365 days of sobriety ahead of me instead of the living hell I once occupied so if any body out there is reading this blog and suffering an addiction that is now controlling you, don’t wait any longer get yourself to Doc. Howalts or any other place that will help you in sobriety remember you DON’T have to use or drink it is not mandatory. Remember it’s not shameful to ask for help. In your heart of hearts you know this, but your Addiction doesn’t want you to change, its happy trying to kill you one day at a time and it will. Sounds dramatic doesn’t it well it is dramatic it’s only your Life were talking about here so if your lurking around the blog trying to decide give yourself the gift of a true life in the coming New Year.
Strat
December 31st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Not dramatic at all Strat. Very truthful.
Wanting to stop using is a personal thing. It’s like stopping cursing, loosing weight, being a better person…but you know when it’s time for you to stop. And as Strat said, it will kill you, and everything in your path. I’m no angel, and as I’ve said before, I wanted off for years. But the withdrawls were worse than the thought of death. I DIDN’T have the will power to do it myself. Then I heard about Subox, and I KNEW my answers had been answered. (And I did loose a brother in August because the drinking finally got to him. He just could not stop, or didn’t want to. I don’t know, but I do know he was in pain the past couple of years)
Right now I’m being treated differently, but Steve ASSURES me that I’m fighting my addiction. Hey, we went to Tahoe for 3 days with friends, and I REMEMBER ALL OF THE TRIP!. This will stay with me for life. When I was using, I lost so many precious memories. I won’t live my life that way anymore.
I thought going on Subox was it for you. If you were ill, broke something, there was no help for you. How wrong I was. Dr. Howalt and team think and get you on something that keeps you sober. I know there are other Drs. out there, but I walked into Docs office, and I’ll never leave that office. It means a 2-3 hour drive, but I’d sit in stupors longer than that, and now I’m doing something for myself, because of Dr. H, Steve, Rick, everyone in the office who understand, have made it their lives to help. God Bless you guys.
For any lurkers, log on. We won’t know who you are. You will find great information and help when you are dragging and get help to keep up. Please log on.
MK- I wish for you information on your Sacramento decision. I can only think that with all the cutbacks on employees, that this is the hold up. I have a friend who works for county DA, and she has more time off, but at least she still has a job. But she was telling us this weekend how much things had gotten behind and slowed because the people arent there. So hang on to your hope. Good luck will come to you soon.
So, once more I wish you fellow bloggers a safe, sober and happy New Year. My grandmother used to say, how you start the first day of the NY is how it will continue for the rest of the year. Of course she spoke Swedish, and I usualy didn’t get it all correct! But I can say ‘please excuse me’, I’ve been doing it all my life. God Bless you all…
December 31st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
i agree with strat,
i wouldn’t classify the suboxone experience as euphoric,
but i’m certainly aware of the effect.
although, the normalcy of a clean and sober life
(emphasis on the words life & normalcy)
is my high today.
inshallah - god willing - tomorrow as well.
and, yes, doc that was me with the champagne.
i started sub on sep 7 ‘07
drank alcoholicly for another month, or so
fell off the wagon dec 24 ‘07 with a xmas-eve toast
2 glasses later my addict was saying ‘fuck yea, baby’
the side of reason, due mostly to my recent sobriety w/ suboxone,
had to go and ruin the party - reason reared its head.
i put down the third glass - 1/2 full.
never - ever - have i put it down anything,
other than down my throat.
the clarity of that past several months won over.
fuck, am i glad i made that 1st step that september
it hasn’t been all peachy fuckin’ fuzzy,
but i’ll take it clean and sober any damn day.
happy fuckin’ new year everyone!