November 2009 Archived - Do Not Post Here
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October 27th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
think we r supposed to go here now?
5150-sorry u had such a rotten day at the dentist, i hate how it feels when it starts to wake up. many years ago, mt moter- in- law would come home and swore that hot tea helped it to wake up, me always doing things back ass backwards, well i woulh drink ice cold water, it woke everything up, and still do it to this day. give me a call if u can,
my ortho dr asked me yesterday if i needed refills on anything. hubby an i lookrd at each other, and he could tell what mood i was in by the tears in my eyes 9no short cast 0, so he just told thr dr politely to read my chart. loudly he said,”oh yea,you’re an addicy! Sorry!” hubby said. u could be nicer. opinions from everyone…
October 28th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Morning All,
I got to “walk in the light “so to speak just the other day, started going to a new G.P. in the area and the one of the first things that came out of my mouth was “am a Alcoholic/ Addict and under no circumstances’ are you to prescribe narcotics to me “and She didn’t even flinch ask me how my treatment was going, who was doing it and moved on.
Now am going to tell you how subtle your addict can be. I’m out mowing my lawn on Sunday (sounds of birds chirping etc.) and I start thinking about a post Rockin stuff had made that I had read that morning and the next thing you know I/m thinking that it would be a brilliant idea if I got a bottle of vodka and I could drink at night after the wife went to bed and no one would be the wiser. Now this is coming from the mind of somebody that hasn’t drank in 27 years and the insidious thing about it was there was never a moment during this train of thought where I was checking the validity or rightness of this thinking it just flowed out. When I woke up, because that’s how it felt that I had been submerged, I came to a complete stop and just shook my head to clear the fog smiled to myself knowing what had just happened and moved on. It wasn’t until this morning that I remembered that I need to share this with my wife and my A/A group, my addict again screwing with truthful thinking and making you feel as if it’s normal.
Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Strat
P.S. D.Q. you asked how I deal with anxiety the easy answer is the 12 steps the hard answer is that you just cope (fake it till you make it) until it becomes easier
October 28th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
so strat, whay u say is , addict will always be apart of us, no matter how long sober,no matter how many meetings attended, worse than marriage, bebause we will never b able 2 divorce our addict.
thanks 4 sharing,
now let me say that i no longer go to the cemetary, specally my sons. i;ll b fumbling in my purse looking for mr norcos,which they no longer live in my purse, and would sawlow a handful just to place a bunch of flowers on his grave, where he no longer is at. its just the lace we laid him to rest. trigger spot…
October 28th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Strat, hope my meanderings with my addict didn’t cause your addict to come out in your thoughts. That was one of my concerns when I visited Doc and Steve the other day. I blog my soul out, never afraid of saying how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what the hell is right in life or how fucked up I think life is. I worried that maybe it was wrong, maybe I gave somebody out there thoughts that might not have been there.
Well, guess what. I’m just not that special. I am an alcoholic and my thoughts are not thoughts that haven’t been rattling around in others minds for a very long time. Sure, maybe some of my situations are “my own” but what I put out there will not change the world as we know it. Damn, what a disappointment, ya know, isn’t it all about me! Doesn’t the world hang on my every word. HA Yeah, I know, get a life…
What I can hope is that maybe I can help people going thru the same shit I am, cuz that is the same. The cravings, the ticks, the addict that sabotoges us when we least expect it. Huh Strat. Knowing that I’m not alone is comforting. Hey, is that what the meetings are about. Hmm, could I have hit on something. Used to think they were lame, but some of them have saved my sober ass. Sharing, reaching out, burning desires anyone? Then again, sometimes I do need a break. I think thats normal too. Just not a real long one. A few days between a downer meeting lets me regroup and adjust my attitute. Cuz let face it, we all know not every meeting lifts your soul. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop at this point in my recovery.
So Doc thinks I live life too close to the edge. I need to swim away from the raging waterfall so I am far enough away that I can float or at least easily tread the waters as I start floating towards the danger. I understand and agree, BUT, oh yes, I am full of those, there are times I just can’t help wanting challenge some of the rough waters. Thats okay for a strong swimmer but I’m still a novice so the chance I might over estimate my swiming strength is there. Doc, your advice is for my own good and I am not ignoring it. Promise.
Not trying to jinx myself, 72 days, my longest without a relapse. Nov 15th will be 90. Not that I’m counting. LUV TO ALL Rock on!!
October 28th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
You hit it right on the head rockinstuff. There is nothing that anybody can say or bring up that causes others to have shit come up in themselves. We have all been or close enough to where all of us are in any given moment. You may share something that brings some of my own thoughts to the front where they need to be anyway. Yea, that what I thought at one time many days ago. That I do not have any power over people, places, and things. Their choices are there own and maybe something was just said that lit the spark. Dang, I was livid for awhile then afterward I was glad cause I always had that ego that I need to be careful cuz what I say may cause someone else to feel bad. I can’t make poeple llike me and the more I try doing that the more I actually drive them away. I am so glad that I know this cuz I have just been through alot of this at work and my plate was miserable cuz I would not worry about just myself and worry so much about others and there thoughs. Whew sorry that was a bunch of the same stuff that just spewed out all over the place again and again. Sorry may not have made any sense to any of you but it really did to me. It’s a relief to know that I can only take care of me. I have the choice. I like the saying there are not any victims in this world just alot of volunteers. Today was a good day. I slept most of it. I just felt yucky after haveing all that work done on my teeth. It took alot out of me. I felt nauseaous from all that numbing stuff in my body. So now it is about 10:40p and I am up not really tired. Maybe I shall do some reading. Wow that would be good. lol Hope everyone has a safe and sane Halloween.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Morning,
No Rockin you weren’t responsible. I was commenting on a previous post by Mskat5150 on being truthful about our Addictions.
In my opinion we are, simply put, nothing but a Stimulus, Response, Reactionary Machine you may provide a stimulus but it’s my responsibility to choose the reaction to that stimulus and that simply stated is the only choice in life that you get.
The secret is to learn how to extend that moment of choice so that you are not just in a knee jerk reactionary state but can slow down that moment in time to allow a response that will be compassionate and to the betterment of all those involved in the interaction. Of course this is easier said than done but that is what any good spiritually based philosophical program is set up to do and A/A is one of them. And the genius of that program is that by simply practicing the twelve steps and applying there principles to your life it will give you those extended moments of clarity to make those choices that are compassionate and kind to yourself as well as others.
Strat
October 30th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Good morning.
Well didn’t get any takers on that line of reasoning so lets try this.Rockin I was reading back on your last post and I’ll quote you “Well, guess what. I’m just not that special. I am an alcoholic and my thoughts are not thoughts that haven’t been rattling around in others minds for a very long time. Sure, maybe some of my situations are “my own” but what I put out there will not change the world as we know it.” End quote. Yes but it will change your world as you know it and that is the only change that you can count on, plus what you share might just spark a newcomers interest in the program by what it and you have to offer and yes you have something to offer.
And the second thing I want to touch on is this quote “Then again, sometimes I do need a break.” Where you’re referring to time off between downer meetings, a wise A/Aer once told me “That if you need a meeting walk to it and if think you don’t need a meeting RUN to it.” It’s precisely those downer meetings where my alcoholic mind starts to hear things it doesn’t like and starts to shut off or worse gets judgmental or bored that I need to listen the most, now that’s just how it works out for me it may not be true for you. I go to five meetings a week because that’s what works for me I’m only ten months sober and the price of relapse is greater than the price of five meetings a week and yes it’s the same people and most often the same message but I change from day to day (that’s one of the blessings of being sober) so the more meetings I go to the greater my chances of me being tuned in and “present” to hear something that goes to the heart.
You know Rockin I’m not laying this on your door step I’m putting this out so I can reinforce my own beliefs, your sobriety is your sobriety but I’ve seen to many folks make sobriety a struggle when it doesn’t have to be (my self included) and I don’t want to see you put up road blocks for entertainment purposes just to keep your life exciting.
Strat.
P.S. hope I haven’t crossed the line here?
October 30th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I’m so proud of you Rockinstuff…you have come such a long way! But doc is right (as he usually is, DAMN), it’s dangerous swimming so close to the edge. Not to say that everything you have been doing isn’t great, because it is, and you have made such an incredible change in the past 72 days. But with a disease where most of us die, living on the edge can lead to death. I’m glad you recognize what you need to do, that is the first step (ha steps) toward taking action. Now all you have to do is take the leap! As far as I can see, you are well on your way. It brings me such joy to see you at meetings and know that you are sober today. Every time I see any of you sober, it brings me joy.
Tonight is Halloween….Lots of CRAZY stuff goes on this weekend. Everyone be safe! And just to announce…there is a meeting on sat night at melody…not sure what time…but it is one we created especially for halloween. Dressing up is encouraged, but not required. It is a great way to get out and have some fun on Halloween without worrying about drinking or using. I will find out what time it is and post it on the blog. Have a Happy Halloween everyone!
<3
JWS
October 30th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I PERSONALLY think u all are pretty special.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:33 am
well, dr h, i think your compadre’s answer about valium was spot on.
i, as you know, have suffered greatly from alcohol and narcotic abuse.
suboxone has fixed the narc side - saved my fucking life.
but. in the back of my safe i have a bottle of 5mg valium from my last detox. my friend, i know you never liked the idea of me consuming a little chunk here or there, but you had confidence that i wasn’t abusing it. let me tell you something - when i had a serious craving for booze i would take aprx 2.5mg every couple hours. amazing, craving gone. xanax works even better. like suboxone, think of the result of not having the benzo and booze instead. i know some people have serious problems with any benzo, but i think they can get off them much easier than suboxone. in other words - so what? let people have benzo therapy. i’ve done all the lexapro, wellbutrin, effexor, blah, blah blah……and they haven’t done shit to stop alcohol cravings. so, in short, i am in complete agreement with your cohort and valium.
and i’m sorry to all the aa/na gurus that will come down hard on this one, but just know it’s for survival not to get high or be abusive.
kiss…kiss…
October 31st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Last night I went downtown among all the drunk people. When I drove home, I got to my street and got ready to turn around in the middle of the street (something I always do, it’s a very small road), but there happened to be a CHP behind me. He pulled me over, and of course immediately thought I was drunk. I told him that I didn’t drink. He gave me the ‘follow the finger with your eyes’ test and sent me on my way. He wanted so badly to bust me! You could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I was so grateful to be sober at that moment! I am finding that I get little reminders like that all the time.
I went out last night to go dancing, among the sea of drunk people. The whole scene was quite entertaining. There were people falling over on me, groping, pushing, sweating, shouting, making out with one another. It honestly reminded me of one of those specials on National Geographic or something. It would have been called “College at It’s Prime.” ha ha. lol I found that I was grateful to be one of the only sober people there. I still had a blast! Despite my teasing, I have no problem with college students partying on Halloween. I guess I am just realizing that I can find my own place in the social world of college, stay sober, and not feel as though I’m missing out on something. , Amongst my wasted peers, I felt like I was the lucky one. THAT, in itself, is a huge blessing. Hope you all are have a fun, interesting, and safe Halloween!
JWS
October 31st, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Oh and the halloween meeting is at 7pm tonight at melody, downtown on garden st, up the stairs next to Bel Frites! It will be lots of fun. Hope to see some of you there!
October 31st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
some of us are addicts, some not, i just pray that those who drink have enough common sense not to to drive, however,all oh us being human, many of us lack common sense and ddrive home not remembering a thing, i pray more make it home tonight than not, happy halloween!!
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:31 am
Hey JWS, you sure do get stopped a lot by the police!
My son related an interesting story to me.
2 AM Sunday (early morning after Halloween) he got pulled over in Berkeley, he was put through the rigors of 40 minutes of “hostile” sobriety check, passed them all (despite being on a steep hill) but they did a breathalyzer anyway (I sorta thought this was an either/or thing?) and he blew a 0.00 (guess what, he hadn’t been drinking!)
So….. they then said his girlfriend, who was in the car the whole time and whom they didn’t check at all, needed to drive the rest of the way home (whole distance was like 10 blocks anyway).
Hmmmm “Okay, you’re sober, but don’t drive anyway.” ???!!! “Lets have this other person who we have no idea if they’ve been drinking or not drive.”??!!!
He was perturbed at the unprovoked hostility as well, sort of felt stupid with the whole “Officer friendly - the police are our friends” attitude.
Dr H
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 am
I have found officers that are nice to be few, far between, after hs grad,. many of my sons friends went into law enforcement so thy could ‘torture the homeless, the needy and if you are a friend, you will sureli get pulled over for something,” and they were serious. one told me, mrs dq, i’d give you a ticket for going 1 mile over.” told him i’d rent a billboard of me changing his diaper and ask, do you know this fresno officer tim? so far no tickets.
not long ago i wasbgoing 65 home from mb in a 55, got pulled over, a nice older gentleman. told him when i’m by myself, i get into the music, and i guess my car did also. he laughed,told me and my car too slowown.
who thinks the law is to tough on kids. what dr h son was doing was, nothing…unfair
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Hi all,
It’s been my rather limited experience in dealing with law enforcement that the proper decorum is absolute subservience any demeanor other than that well bring on highly prejudicial treatment regardless of the situation at hand Remember that law enforcement is I believe the only field that tests to make sure that you are not to overly educated or that you are not an overly aggressive thinker. I can understand the reasoning behind it but God forbid that you challenge an officer’s authority with a quick wit. It’s a possibility that your son did just that if he’s anything like you. lol
Strat
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Hey all…..Time for another SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tomorrow night, Tuesday, 5:30pm! Hope to see many of you there, and will for sure see some of you at the office during the day..
Have a safe evening!
Steve–out
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:22 pm
dr h, i know you are a very busy man,
but if you could expound on my last post in regard to your valium rx’r.
and to expound, if you have time, i mean really let loose with pros & cons.
thank you in advance.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Bup-I am told that anything mindaltering is a relapse, meaning sobriety date changed. Which, silly thing, is important to me.
So, fucked up day at work. Stress, which is a huge trigger to drink, is so far out of control that I have eaten enough chocolate to put Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory out of business. I am sick to my stomach from that and my shoulders are stuck up around my ears. Everytime I move I crack and now I start my “volunteer” work of being the treasurer of every frikkin community group on my ass at home. Volunteer, that means you say you’ll do it and feel good about it right? All I want to do is tell everyone and thing to fuck off, pick up a book and veg. I’m a thinkin that a little pot would make the vineger go down, thank you very much. Ah yes, reefer madness. That addictive drug that leads you down the path to destruction. So your valium idea sounds good to me. Oh wait, I gave that to my gatekeeper so I wouldn’t abuse it. Only for pain. Crap, took the antabuse, so no relief there either.
So this was it my friends. Type, bitch and moan. Tomorrow is another day. Speaking of another day, its SLO ARC Group session tomorrow night and I hope to see a bunch of you there. Come on down, yes you bupester, would love your sense of humor if I get on a roll. Which of course I never do……
Back to work now.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:59 pm
PS The vineger thing comes from Mary Poppins, the spoonfull of sugar crap, now I’m reading it back makes me sound like an idiot. Not the first time or the last.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 pm
The heck with the Guru’s!
I have become SOOOOOO “un-rigid” about things in the arena of addiction medicine it’s frightening.
Another time in New Orleans at the Annual American Society of Addiction Medicine meeting I was gathered around a popular experienced MD after his lecture and people were talking about detoxing patients off of this drug and that drug and someone mentioned getting people off benzos.
The Guru dude got a funny look on his face and murmured softly “well… we never DO really get people off benzos, do we?”
It was an interesting observation.
Personally I HATE and DETEST and DESPISE the term “harm reduction”, and Steve and I heard but forgot a substitute term that was almost acceptable at a conference on Cape Cod, but there it is.
I have found that once I came to “accept” outcomes that are less than ideal, I started having a problem as to where to draw an arbitrary line between ideal and acceptable.
There are MANY times Steve and I are glad someone is doing “better” and sometimes that involves using benzodiazepines despite the downsides of prescribing medications that can be abused to drug addicts.
LOTS of benzo struggles all the time and I have come to see them as a necessary evil.
I want to invent a benzo with a ceiling property like Suboxone has, so I can dial in a certain level of “medicated” but the patients can’t take a run on the fun drugs.
The medication intolerant persons in 12-Step programs have a point, but they are also the people who tell the mentally ill people to stop their psych meds then they kill themselves and the 12-Step idiots dust off their hands and say stuff like “at least they died sober” and it makes me puke.
How’s THAT for laying it on the line Bupester??
Dr H
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:28 am
Love ya Dr. H I like it when you lay it on the line that might be a little crooked. Maybe your not the bad cop after all. Go for it Mr. Mad Scientist, get your lab coat and vials and start working on that invention. Can see you now, hair frizzy, standing on end, it’s alive and sober. HA!!!!!!!!
Ahh, posting this early means I’m awake way to early which means…. you fill in the blank.
Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hey Doc. as long as you’re in the house, so to speak maybe you can comment on what I’ve picked up on while talking to other alcoholics and addicts and I hope this comes out the right way and is not just a gross generalization. Alcoholics seem to dwell on “anxiety” while Addicts dwell on “pain” they seem to be the two things that the addicted mind has built a false premise on, let me explain. Alcoholics have a perceived higher aversion to stress and anxiety where Addicts have a perceived higher aversion to pain but it’s usually a skewed perception a straw man so to speak and the deeper the addiction the higher the perceived aversion to those two things becomes. This also plays out in the addicts heightened aversion to withdrawal symptoms versus a normal person’s perception of the same thing. In the alcoholics case it’s that alcohol becomes the lubrication of life it self, drinking was the thing that had to be done to enter into any social situation what so ever so they could level out the perceived anxiety and stress. So if any of this holds true wouldn’t use Benzos for the alcoholic form the same mental dependence as the alcohol? Or is this just so much psycho Babel?
Strat.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I understand what you are saying Stratman, and I think you might be right in some cases. I definitely think it is a case by case issue. A little anxiety is normal in recovering addicts and alcoholics, probably not something to take valium for. On the other hand there is such a thing as an anxiety disorder, where anxiety can be so bad that it interferes with one’s quality of life. In that case, I believe that medication might be necessary. An anxiety disorder is legitimate, as is depression, and therefore should be treated. It is a risky situation though, since benzos can be abused. An addict or alcoholic should work very closely with their doctor to make sure that all necessary precautions are taken. I think it has to be a case by case situation, for individual differences certainly play a huge role in this instance.
As for alcoholics being hypersensitive to anxiety, and addicts to pain…I think it works both ways. I know alcoholics who are very sensitive to pain and addicts who are very sensitive to anxiety. Addicts with pain may have more access to pain meds, but that is really the only distinction I see. Both addicts and alcoholics can get access to benzos, because both experience anxiety.
All of this is just my opinion, I am not a doctor. Anyone considering taking benzos should consult their doctor before deciding. I find that when working with my own medications, consulting Dr. H, Steve, and certain individuals I trust in the program works best. That way, I get a well rounded view. It is always good to get a second or even a third opinion. Though the opinions of certain people in the program matter to me, I always try to remember that AA members are not doctors, and therefore, should not act as such.
Hope you are all well today. Maybe I will see some of you tonight!
JWS.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:08 pm
well, doc, 1st, thanks for answering. 2nd, thanks for sort of agreeing with me. i don’t get ‘high’ on sub - not really (can, but don’t) - i get in a little euphoric state sometimes. and oh, yes, wouldn’t it be great if ‘dial-a-dose’ for the benzo user was created, but damnit, i have one majorly fucked financial situation now - which i know this to shall pass - but i’ve had certain desires pop up. 12 steps have helped wonderfully, but even superman had kryptonine. .5 mg xanax 3 (maybe 4) a day if it’s really a rough time - walla (with no buzz) - craving gone (no shit, and the last thing on my mind is booze.) i’m well, really i’m well. that’s all i can say. i’ve got sub for my narc problem, and a few (almost out) xanax for my booze issues. i don’t feel euphoric, dizzy, wierd, anything other than right. does that make sense? some people abuse the shit out of benzos, and all i’ve got to say is i’ld have fuckin’ problems without ‘em. please don’t hesitate to tell me if my shit really stinks, or if i’m o.k. or not ’cause i know i feel fuckin’ fantastic know, but have been steered away from any benzo for years (my sober/clean years anyway).
thank you for any time of yours.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
You always welcome to pick my head and make me think.
Personally and professionally I think Xanax is the worst benzo to put in an addict’s hands. EVERYONE LOVES xanax, addicts, normies, everyone. They are rapid onset (read “rush”) but very short acting (hour or two only!) so big picture they are not the most “effective” benzo if we are really talking about using tranquilizers to help people feel… tranquil.
Klonapin is second worse, addicts also love to play with these but they are SUPER LONG acting like 36 hours so they build up and people get pretty wacked on them but don’t really realize it because there’s very little “up and down” to them.
Ativan/lorazapam, intermediate acting and very PREDICTABLE in their lenght of action (6 to 8 hours) no “rush” no “buildup” and effective WITHOUT messing peoples heads up (if taken appropriately, yeah… who ever heard of an addict taking meds appropriately??!!)
I also use librium and valium, mostly because addict’s DON’T like them (in an addict way) so they are less likely to abuse them and get themselves impaired on them.
Xanax have a street name (”bars” “zanibars”) and a street value ($4 for a 2 mg I hear) and I hear many addicts talk about taking klonapin (?street value?)
But I don’t hear addicts talking about buying valiums and never about getting some “good libriums” so it figures they have to be safer overall if we’re talking about trying to not awaken the “addict dragon”.
I will bite on the letting you have it between the eyes….
I believe you sort of minimized how much xanax you might take how often then it comes out perhaps it’s a bit more at a time and more often etc. This would lead me to suspect you have mixed feelings about whether it’s okay to take them. Usually when addicts have qualms about taking something there’s a good reason for it…. like maybe they know they shouldn’t be…
Sorry. You asked…. and you’re a big boy and know I’m not judging etc.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN STEVE AND HIS ESP TODAY!!!!!
We were talking to a drinker on speakerphone and were walking him through pouring out the rest of the vodka he had. I asked “did you pour it out”, he said “yeah” and Steve sitting next to me shook his head NO, so I told the fellow what Steve ’s opinion was….. long pause… cuss word…. and “how did Steve know I was lying??!!”
Rascals I tell ya…
Dr H
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Bupe, thanks for all the interesting conversation lately….I could have you confused with someone else, but didn’t you go from Valium to Visteril, and then you told us how GREAT that was, and there would never be a need for vailium?? And now we’re in the Xanax park? Don’t know, certainly could have been someone else…let me know….I do agree there are people who do better on benzos, but I watch MANY folks go back to their drug of choice while using them…connection? I think so, but that’s just what I see at the office…..Your life seems to be going very well, and if that’s the case, probably no need to change anything…..
Thanks to all the folks who showed tonight at the SLOARC Group…We had some good laughs, which is better therapy then you can get by paying someone $200 an hour!!! Laughter really is the best medicine..Thanks again,,,,,
Steve–out
November 4th, 2009 at 1:32 am
many years ago,(!0)?,my dr. gave me xanax after a ‘mini breakdown’ after taking care of my mom duing a long painful illness and death, i lost it. didn;t function, didn”t speak, so on meds he put me on. could not say i “likrd” it at first. but my addict made sure it wasn’t long before i was doubling, tripling my dose. honestly didn’t know what xanax was. hard to believe from an addict, huh? was on it for a year. didn’t know the wicked things it could do to your system. so i was feeling better, slowed down on how many i took, just because i felt better! finally got down to one a day ( he had me 16mlg a day), some days i took none, but on those days i felt floaty, and would take one or 2. i was so determinrd that i was no longer depressed, that i put them away. out of sigt,out of mind. off of them 4 about a week, weekend comes, didn;t feel great on fri., even worse on sat. so bad that i thought i was having a heart-attack. told my husband, call my sister who’s an rn, she called the local hosp., they were waiting for us, she was there,questions being asked, and soon i don’t remember anything–went into a seizure which frightened my hubby to the end and back. family dr, got there, sent me to a larger hosp/. and it was there that theyfigured out went off xanax to fast. went home, and severe panic attacks started. family dr wantd to put me back on them again, i was scared of being on them. and stayed locked up in our home for at least 2-3 years. hairdresser came out to do ny hair. finally i could stay at home any longer.
same pattern started, but not as severe. it was my friend hairdresser who noticed the pattern, took me to my family dr and laid it out. he [ut me on valium, but doesn’t like to because he beleived it was the drs way in the 1950’s to keep their females ‘happy and content and nice to threir husbands’. alter speaking with my husband, and the 2 of them helped me stop them.
til the day i lost my son in his accident. and once again i lost my mind and the family dr returned me to xanax. i was seeing dr h at this time. and then i called him and told him that i lost my son in an accident and had gone back to my d.o.c. again, he told me to take the 2-3 hour drive to slo. and i think it was his day off, when i got to the office, i felt relief, because i really had wanted to stay off norcos. i told him that family dr had put me on xanax, and i believe he said that he;d like to take me off xanax and on valium. i trust dr h and changed, i didn’t feel so tired,more of my own mind. i think dr h knew i needed something to help me stay calm while i healed. so back on subox and valium, and i won’t lie, after 2 yrs, there are times it hurts
like the devil, then in aug this summer, i lost my brother at the age of 59. and what did family dr do? put me on, yea, xanax. i’m proud t say that i;m nearly off of it, an i don’t want to feel like a drug begger with dr h and ask for valium, and though my gallbladder surgery, then 3 weeks later surgery on my crushed wrist and hand, i’ve been offered vicoden, demerol, norco, oxy,and said no thanks, and have taken what the dr h gave me for my knees. i believe in change, and in doc, and in all of you.
thanks 4 listening to me. all i really wanted to say is xanax is a very evil benzo. love 2 all. dq
November 4th, 2009 at 11:10 am
thanks, kids, for the response.
steve, yes vistaril worked great for minor - emphasize minor - panic.
Doc/steve you know my biz - 99.9% disposable income.
fuck - is all i can say.
i know things will work out.
vistaril just isn’t cuttin’ the mustard right now,
and i want to say that i know xanax is probably the worst benzo to be fuckin’ around with, but it’s all i got. valium was what i used for months, and was probably the best choice for me. no long term experience with ativan. doc, believe me i don’t fuckin’ want to get high. been there done that. the major panic attacks - you know where your heart bounces off the fuckin roof when your lying in bed and you suddenly awake - that shit is what the benzo has stopped. when i first came to see you, you left me alone about my little chunk of valium and called steve off when he arrived on the scene. my problem, sincerely, is i don’t want to take anything i don’t have to - including (yes, you skeptics) a benzo, but sometimes you got to do what ya got to do. where am i going with all this shit - fuck i don’t know. it just feels good to get the shit off my chest, and to have some people understand where the fuck i’m coming from.
i’m 12 steppin’ my ass off right now, and this isn’t good for an a/a topic, so kids, thanks for any input. kiss…kiss..
November 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
In the words of the Imortal Elmer Fud “Be vveerryy vveerryy careful Bupster.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
bup-i don’t know if u misunderstood me, but i have major panic attacks also, but i started to REALLY like the xanaxs. what i had to do was learn what was a yrue panic attack, or something i just had to calm myself down by myself. yesterday, no xanax, but honestly, took1 about 3 hrs ago when husband came home, said he;d had enough of his partner, and was staying home for a month without telling him until he decided what else to get into. been through changing businesses with him once before, years ago, and dob;t want anymore changes at his time of our life. freaked out.just be careful with how many you take. lots of luck…
November 4th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
doc, what about ativan?
you’re the 2nd dr - out side the office to recommend it for me.
i’ll see my gp in about 10 days and will tell - truthfully - what you suggest, or not.
thx
November 4th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Hey Bupe, I’ll let doc tell you the real deal on Ativan, but we started using it more just because it is more “predictable”…Gets in, gets out, but not the “Porche” of Benzos like Xanax….seems a much “safer” medication for anxiety, if you will…..
Funny you mentioned how doc “called me off” the first time I met you…..I have “mellowed” a lot since those days..ha ha….
I came from a recovery background where if you used ANYTHING more than coffee, you were were NOT sober! I laugh at myself these days thinking back, ’cause I would walk into a room with a guy like you (who BTW WAS, and sounds like you still are doing very well) and I’d be sayin’ WTF, you can’t be chewin’ down Valium and sayin’ you’re recovered!! ha…trust me, my views have softened and changed since those days..I see certain patients that for sure need various medications to stay on track and they do very well, and yes, I consider them fully into recovery, such as yourself….Just have to be vigilant because I have watched benzos sneak up on people, and they get into trouble before they see it coming…..ALways great talkin’ with you here, Bupe, and like some of the other folks have mentioned, we’d LOVE to have you come to our SLOARC GROUP SESSIONS! Next one will be on MONDAY Nov. 16th at 5:30pm at the office….We usually have them every other Tuesday, but there are some scheduling conflicts this month….
Steve–out
November 4th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
And the inexperienced drug addict steps into the room in the middle of the conversation. As you all know my drug of choice is alcohol, not the rx stuff. So naturally when I’m handed the vicoden I don’t see a problem at all, but am told to have a “gatekeeper” hold it for me. I did the first time and made it through recovery with only three for pain. Just put me to sleep. But being the experimental type that I am the next time I was handed them I tried 5 within a short period of time before giving up on experiencing the “high” I thought might be there. Didn’t realize that pesky shot that Mr. Rick gives me is an opiate blocker so it probably ruined the fun. Anyway, I tossed em cuz if it don’t do shit, whats the point. Oh yes, was pain relief the reason for taking them…
Group was awesome the other night, even if I walked in looking like complete and total dog shit from stress and crying. Laughter was really good but being totally exhasted and all the shit of the last few days had really taken its toll. The night before I had called our good friend Steve with a proposition. I wouldn’t drink, just cruize down the ol highway and score a little non-addictive weed for some non-alcoholic relaxation IF I didn’t have to reset my sobriety date. Hey, get it in the last sentance, a new A-A program. HA, thats so good. I know Bup, what the fuck is this honesty shit. Pretty short answer, guesses what Mr. Steve said, and the answer is not yes, and it was the final answer. Seems to think I wouldn’t make a very good pot head. Another plan shot to shit. Right when it held so much positive merit in my own mind.
SO, Xanax, whatever the hell that is, was now sounding very promising for relaxation therapy. Before I finished reading down the blog I nearly jumped on the phone with a new master plan. I am saying that sorta sacastically, cuz I really do plan and overplan shit in my mind. If it would just stop the fucking tic when everything goes to shit to give up and stop fighting it. It gets so hard, then the self hate starts in big time, then the feeling like a fucking freak for how I’m feeling. By that time I’m crying and hate myself to the point so not caring anymore. Tired of hurting, as I said, tired of fighting it. Thats when being on the antabuse saves my ass, cuz I probably would have picked up a bottle. Xanax, would that used “properly” make that go away at that point in time. I don’t know shit about that stuff.
So rambled again. As for fighting, surrender, I know I’ll never win. I understand that today, but last night… Anyway kids, thanks for being there. Fresh chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. Yummmm Peace Out!!!!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:10 am
So wake up all you happy sober blogges!!! Come on, the mornings nearly gone. It will be noon before you know it. Make your plans for a meeting now. Seriously, Its nearly the weekend and thats when I need all the help I can get.
Slept on what I wrote last nght. Im an addict, would never take anything properly. Wow, who was I joking. Certaining not Dr. H, and NEVER Steve. HA
Have a great day, enjoy life!!!! Rockin
November 5th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Yeah, the ever all-knowing Steve!
Still impressed by his percipience (different from priapism) and how SURE he was when he decides someone’s lying.
Honesty…. interesting, I was encouraging someone to simply be honest with us, don’t bother trying to stop drinking, just work on the honesty.
Bupster… what Steve said about it sounds like you’re doing well stands, regardless of the opinions we’re throwing around here.
I was thinking. Usually if people are doing the perfect 100% sobriety thing, they are willing to try other non-benzo “anti-anxiety” meds. The seritonin re-uptake inhibitors are effecting and no chance of tickling the “intoxicating” areas of the brain, and a medicine Buspar is coming back into favor which works in an altogether different manner.
But like everything else on the planet, that all takes money and time and patience.
Had an odd experience yesterday when someone came in full tilt on getting well, then in mid-sentence decided to go back out and do the get-high dance some more. I almost took it personally but told them we’d still be here waiting if they changed their mind.
Dr H
November 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am
I have been thinking lately as to why I’m blogging these days and what my motivations are in doing so. I read about what you guys are putting yourselves through emotionally and physically and sometimes I just want to scream and say it doesn’t have to be that way for you, life can be so much easier if we just get out of its way some time. But I don’t know anything more than you do and I’m stumbling through my life just like you but I’m blessed in so many ways that it’s hard to count, my life’s experience has allowed me to go through the same trials you are going through but that’s my life and I have to learn that you guys need to go there and do those things just like I had to, that doesn’t make me better or more knowing than you. But it doesn’t sound that way if you read my last blogs recently, it’s just that for some strange reason I truly care about what happens to you guys. So if I’ve sounded condescending or preachy my apologies. Over and Out.
Strat
November 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
well, i’m definitely not out to do the ‘get high dance some more.
but i’m ready to feel even - yes, even is a good word for it,
even when my world seems to be - or is -
crashing down around me .
you both know my biz and the money involved in having a place like this.
the vistaril worked great for panic disorders
when nothing major was wrong.
well, kids, major is now a misnomer for my situation.
i have 100% confidence that this will pass.
i have my friends in group and especially here on the blog.
i know it seems like i’m asking for permission to use benzos,
but i’m not. i just want my friends to know where the hell i’m at.
man, look at me getting fucking mushy - what a pussy, huh.
no, just kidding. thank you for listening to me today.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Bup, I’m thinking I like you fucking mushy. That’s not being a pussy, that’s letting your sensitive female side shine and we girls all love that shit. Just don’t get busted and hit the shower if ya know what I mean. Seriously, I’m with you, I have opened up so much to everyone here I really do feel like we’re all friends pulling for each other. And I really think if someone gives an opinion trying to be helpful it’s cuz they care. Whether that opinion was solicited or not. Whether or not its right or wrong. Cuz opinions are like assholes, and we all know where that ones going.
So Bup, I keep beggin ya, come out to play at one of Steve’s groups. I love checking in on the blog and seeing you’ve posted some of your tidbits of life in Bup land.
And Strat, never a need for apologies. Same goes, you’re putting it out there, whats on your mind. It could be something completely different tomorrow, hell dude, if your like me it could be completely different the next minute. That’s not just a girly thing, changing your mind so don’t even go there guys.
Anyway, got tickets for Bon Jovi concert on presale today and I’m fuckin stoked. He’s HOT and the band rocks. They just keep getting better. Gotta get a dash board Jesus, little HP support if ya’all know what I mean. No disrespect intended.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Yup, keep up the great flow of conversation everyone! Hope to see some of you new folks that we keep trying to get here as well!! The next SLOARC GROUP will be on MONDAY, Nov 16th at 5:30pm….Just wanted to give everyone early notice of the day change…..I have some scheduling issues that week, thus the change.
Looking forward to a wonderful weekend!
Steve—out
November 6th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Wow, what a shitty week at work. God, I start my mornings out with antabuse and clarity, feeling great, listen to tunes on the way to work. No thought in my mind or desire in my heart for alcohol. Seems like most days this last week not only is the thought there, but the desire. Its not the physical craving, I want the escape, the relaxation. That pleasant buzz that makes all the anxiety of the day disappear. Anyone out there know what I’m taking about. Yeah, I thought so.
I am personally tired of the fact that I let other people’s actions control my thoughts and actions. I let their words get to me then I lose control of my resolve, my cool. Its wrong to let others have that power. But it is human nature, the best I can do is realize when its happening then take a time out. By the time Im in tears, cursing, I am out of control and the addict is.
Being sober doesn’t make life all of a sudden perfect. It never will be. But in control, sober, its clearer at least. Done for tonight friends. Just want to let everyone know I didn’t want to make the meeting tonight after work, couselor and a visit with Mom. Just wanted to go home to veg out. But I went and got so much out of it. And laughs too! Awesome start for the weekend. Enjoy life everyone, its a gift from the HP that should never be taken for granted.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Thanks for being at the meeting last night Rockin’……you and the meeting helped my day big time, as well!
As we all know it’s SO EASY to get home after work, or decide to stay in bed an extra 15 minutes INSTEAD of going to a meeting! A few years ago, I was 7 years clean and sober, things were going great, I was managing a good sized biz, and had slacked off my meetings to one a week, and even less some months…(we all have our minimums, I suppose, but for me, 2 a week is the very lowest I can go and still stay somewhat sane, and I usually try for 4…) My life was going great, but many years earlier, I had done the same thing and went back to drinking and drugging at 5 years sober…sooooo…..an old-timer came by my store one day and gave me a good lashing…He pissed me off so much (saying how I was gonna go out again if I didn’t get back to meetings, blah blah blah…)that I DID NOT go to a meeting for like two weeks, and then I came to my senses and got back on schedule, and these days I thank him for being honest with me and risking our friendship to SAVE MY ASS!! ha ha….
Hope we all have a great weekend!! Get out and enjoy it! Spend some time doing NOTHING!!! (and some time doing SOMETHING, like a meeting!)
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: MONDAY Nov. 16th , 5:30pm…..
To you, all my Sisters and Brothers out there in recovery, THANK YOU for another day of sobriety!
Steve—out
November 8th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
we r in mb for the cyucus car show yeterday. i was the one walking with a SHORT (finally) black cast, but walking like i’d been drinking. have a long cast on 4 -4 weeks and u loose your balance. high tide in cyucus yesterday, but great weather.
rockin- i see you recovering, but don’t think xanax is atrative. i luv u 2 much. i emember in he beginning of seeing dr h and like my 2nd month he asked me, any alcohol? yea, about 2 sips at the horse races. he changed my sobriety date, and i know i have told this story before, but i cried al the way home. it was after weeks of searching the internet that your addict WILL find something else. i’ve been very careful when i need to calm down, and my hubby carries or hides everything now. i know i can trust myself but not my addict. i don’t want my grandchildren to ever see nana take even an aspirin. i know they had to give me something waking up fom my broken arm and wrist surgery, but my drs np actually sat with me,explained that they had tried the non narcotics,but they had beaten me up so much that they had to use stronger stuff. but i haven’t asked for anything else. only takr what dr gives me 4 my knees which soon will b another surgery. stay sober rockin. u impress me as a great person…star away from the other crap and alway listen to dr and steve. as 4`the caffine steve- i’m domed. when i die the last thing they will try on me is a`diet pepsi drip!!
can drive now, and i’ll try to get to the next meeting. hey, i’m finally sleepng on my own again!
Miss ya all. hope to see you at thr coast farmer markets next year. we’re going ahead with the tomatoes (heirloom) enjoy the day, and your family. i was thinking about calling my son to come over 4 dinner tonight til my mind reminded me he’s gone. is that age or what???ove to all….
November 8th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Yea DQ, Xanax probably is not what an addict personality really needs. I don’t even know what the heck it is, just thought it might be something that when I’m having a freakin jagged crying fit KNOWING I have to have a drink it would mellow the moment out. The anxiety is so horrible right then, but what am I, a big ol wussy. The answer is YES!! I want an out like I used to have. But guess what, I’ve found that if I take some over the counter sleeping aid and get a good nites sleep, in the morning that feeling is gone these days. Crazy but I think I might be starting to grow up. What cha all think, maybe??? Please don’t hate me, but there is not a single damn thing wrong with those AA steps I am working through. I’ve just started on the fourth. Before it might have been scary, in fact I might have refused to look that closely inside myself to take the inventory. But what I see now is an opportunity for inner growth. There is nothing wrong with looking into your own soul. There’s some stuff in there thats screwed up, but there’s also some good stuff too. AND THERE’s definately some stuff to work on. It’s kinda an incredible journey.
Anyway, I won’t get too weird on ya’all. Maybe later…. In another blog. Just wait, I’ve got it in me. Kissy, Kissy and Ta Ta for Now. That’s strange enough for now.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:16 am
honey-how could i hate you, or anyone who is truly trying like you. yea, sometimes you may be to close to the danger edge, but lets be honest. if we have’nt been in this for 10 to 20 years, and they could even slip, then raise your hand if you have slipped or nearly slipped. myhand is up. the best thing is that we don’t lie most importantly to ourselves, then secondly to others. everyday til the day we take our last breath we will be working at this. that isn;t a hard thing to do. not if you r sincere and love your life.
if you don’t feel good, call dr h, steve or rick…u can even call me. call, call,call. reach out beforeu hit the edge.
i luv u rockin. give me a call. ttfn to all…dq
November 9th, 2009 at 7:16 am
hey dq, off the subject of addiction - well, maybe tomato addiction - do you find people gravitating to heirloom tomatoes because of the ‘heirloom’ title, or is it truly taste and quality?
November 9th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Bupester..ha ha…LOVE your “tomato” question! ha….
A personal invite for ya to come to our next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Monday, Nov. 16th, 5:30pm@the office! Would love to have you join us….
Start of another good week everyone…SOME of you are even lucky enough to have Wednesday as a holiday!
Stay well all…
Steve—-out
November 9th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Tomatoes, Sobriety, what the hell can be more important than whether its a vicious rumor or the truth on Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Has is quit the band or not?? This rocks my world inside out!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
bup- i’m a stuborn swede, and wouldn’t eat what hubby was growing. one BLT night for supper, all we had was purple tomatoes left. hate to be wrong, but was the BEST tomatoe i’d eaten. wont’ pay $4 a lb in the store for them, but well worth the different flavors. i’ll bring ya all some when they rippen next spring,,,,,,hope thoses were the ‘tomatos’ u were talking about!!!
definately the taste, quality, and how they have survived so many years…
November 10th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Yes D.Q., Bupester was asking a legit question….I just like the fact that we can talk about all kinds of stuff on here…Such a friendly community…
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Monday, Nov. 16th, 5:30pm at the office….
Steve–out
November 10th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Hey Rockin this may enlighten you http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/nov/06/joe-perry-steven-tyler-has-quit-aerosmith/ copy and paste this in your browser.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
next meeting next week/ i may be able to make it, i;m allowed to drive with a short cast, thank the good lord.
and as 4 the tomatoes, i no sell 2 friends–i give 2 friends, so u guys can test them all next season. last year we had 70 plants, next year over 120. and you might get a kick out of this, being the addicts that we are, but when our garden starts to grow and show. and being in the country, the sherrif helicopter or plane circles us everyday and flash, there goes the picture, i think next year i’m just going to call them, give our address, and offer them a tour, and tell them to drive out weekly if they want. cheaper on taxes…lol so many people grow their ‘crops’ between the vineyards….and get awat with it. us, an honest garden…who knows anymore….
November 10th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
QUESTION of the day..when u feel that u could b slipping, what do u do? me 4 example work wirh my flowes, walk, USED to swing (haha), and wheb i;m at mb, i;ll go to the beach, or drive around, just curious what u do?
November 10th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I go to a meeting or call another member of A/A real simple stuff.
Strat.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Strat!!!!!! Thank you so much for that link. Seriously everyone, I have the Aerosmith wings tatooed on my back. Their music is part of me, and anyone that looks at Mr. Tyler in that pic and doesn’t just say YUM! Okay, guys, hoping you don’t, but its okay if you do, and girls, not everyone has my taste in rock stars. God, I will need Aerecovery. HA, not a bad new word huh!!
So another week starts out with promise at work and goes to shit so quickly. Today, start at a meeting at 6:30, get there early to get the room set up and ready to greet. Leave that early to head out to the big boss meeting with a working lunch. Back to the office for 1 hour before running down to see Dr. H and Steve. God, some sanity finally in the day. Then to see my beautiful Mom, she was smiling tonight. Then, keeping with the spirit of things, off to an AA meeting. It was an awesome decision to go. Some heartful shares but still, lots of laughs. What a full day, what a full life. Now I’m putting it all in perspective, you know, its not all that bad, AND I’m still sober. This is the longest I have ever been sober since I took my first drink at 15 or 16 years old. Hard to believe in so many ways. So miracles do happen. SWEET!!!
November 10th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
sweet snd congratulaions rock!
and to see your swet mother. i know its hard on you, but believe me, haning gone through it twice myself, they need us, just like we needed them. and sometimes life gets inn the way and we can’t visit as often—BUT NEVER,EVER, let that get to you. promise me. because life is life, and we have ours that gets in the way. i remember my sweet dad, ans never did i think i’d agree with siblings to put him in a wonderful home. but, we had to. we were all working, myself part-time and babysitting my first grandgirl. she and i’d go visit, and this two year old played ball with great grandpoppy, as well as his neighbors’. amazes me that she remembers where the home is, names of the other people, and how for a couple of years how she asked why we couldn’t go see him anymore….and now she knows her daddy is with great gramma and g-poppy, and my brotherher uncle. life is like listening to a radio station. a song will come on that you love…the next one you never cared for. sometimes i amaze myself that i even still try and go to sr h (no offense doc), but i do know life can be brighter, lighter, more acceptable when you are not digging or dumping your purse for a single pill, just one to help the sickness until u can con another dr, ‘friend’,lie about how your purse was stolen, the bottle dumped down the drain, you are in tahoe and forgot to back your pills, and who did i think i could ski at my age with my bad back…i think getting my self respect back is one of the strongest things i’m proud of.
this is an amazing group that lets me yap, yap, yap…thank you for helping stay on the tracks of life…ttfn-dq
November 10th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
okay- need to read be-4 i post. my typing will be better when cast is off–yea!
November 11th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Went house shopping with wifey and realtor today, while looking in the bathroom,…yep right there where I knew they would be if I looked. Had to run from the bathroom and stay with realtor. No more exploring on my own.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
YEAH SCRUFFYCAT!!! SO glad to see you back on the blog! I SO RELATE to your situation! Been there, done that……It’s a HUGE leap forward in your recovery to have left that house without some poor little ol’ lady’s prescription in your pocket…I’m very very VERY proud of you, and YOU should be too! Keep up the good work….This is big time progress, Scruff!!!!!
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Monday, Nov. 16th, 5:30pm at the office…Hope all you folks can make it….
Steve–out
November 12th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
scruff-is that where they keep prescriptions? honestly, country peop;e don’t know all these things. at leasr not this country mouse…good going scruff…
November 12th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
sreve, i was going to go to the house on mon., make an appointment with u and doc for tues, and come to meeting that night, but was just told this morning that hubby has equipment show and i have 2 get the girls to school and pick them up. whens the next one?
November 12th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
DQ Gonna really miss you at the meeting bit time. Thought we could put a candle in a cookie and toast my 90 days with some fine tap water. Enjoy the chit chat with you afterwards as much as the meeting.
November 14th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Hello fellow bloggers. I’ve been reading the comments this month without commenting, so now I do. Very interesting dialogue regarding “benzo’s” and sobriety. Bupester, I think that it is awesome that you are trying to stay “even”. I to am working on staying even. I was diagnosed ten years ago with severe generalized anxiety disorder N.O.S. with panic attacks. I had been tried under psychiatrists care on most of the benzo’s mentioned previously in the discussion. I can honestly say that I had never abused the benzo’s, it treated my anxiety like subs treat my opiate stuff. I haven’t abused sub’s, tried taking an extra one a couple times over the past few years but didn’t feel any different, well maybe for like a minute. Anyways I have been self medicating my anxiety disorder through the use of medical marijuana. I am not a everyday or even weekly user. I use it when anxiety arouses which usually 1-3 times per month. I also attend meetings regularly 3-4 times per week. Any feedback from the group on the subject or anyone in a similar situation? Oh yeah ScruffyCat-good job on getting out and staying out of those damn medicine cabinets…
November 14th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
same here. i’m proud of your 90 days….
November 15th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Everyone remember……..SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tomorrow, Monday, Nov. 16, 5:30pm at the office…
Steve–out
November 15th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I have not been on the blog for a while. I just needed a break- I was frustrated. Now I read the last two months and I feel the need to comment. My DOC was norco- or any opiate.I have been clean for 3 years and 2 months here is what I do: I take my suboxone every morning,I don’t drink, even though it wasn’t my DOC- it lovers your inhibitions and clouds your judgement and here is the important part, its mind altering and addictive. I don’t use any controlled substances- benzos, pain pills none of it any scheduled drug is a no-no. I go to a womens group at Cottage once a week, an AA meeting once or twice a week, I have a sponsor and have made a good friend through this. I used to see a counselor when I was in early recovery. I have see Dr H every month and listen to him and Steve. I have learned to meditate and practice mindfulness, this really helps me to calm myself and not allow people to get to me in a negative way.
If my daughter called me a whore- this would not be ok with me. You are responsible for teaching people how to treat you. Is it OK with you? I doubt it.And going on a cruise with a narcotic RX and taking them all (or any)is not recovery folks- it is your addict getting the best of you. I just hate to see people kidding themselves and tend to cut to the point-otherwise people end up dead. Seriously folk dead. Its not easy but it shouldn’t be a daily horror either. Just my thoughts
November 16th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
One more point- It helps if you eliminate people from your life that you used to use with- or drunken spouses. They may say they are happy you are cleaned up but in my experience the stronger I got the more they tried to sabotoge my recovery. It was subtle at first then more and more aggressive. I had to leave in order to get well. I don’t regret it or miss that awful, awful life.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Fantastically Weird!
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The program teaches life and vocational skills, and ofers psychological counseling, if needed. To find out if your favorite web activities qualify as addictions, take the center’s online quiz.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Great meeting tonight. For all you out there that haven’t gone to any of the groups or haven’t been in awhile you really should try. They are always a little different and I always come away with something good. I get something from them that I don’t conect with in AA/NA meetings. Next one will be 2 weeks from tomorrow (tues) night. 530pm.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
MK- Like what you had to say and it is right on. I got on suboxin for cravings. After 30+ yrs. of opiate and acahol use. Had 2yrs. clean when I came in. Without the subs. and working a program I know I would be right back out there again. It takes the whole package for an addict like myself. No half steaping, and I know if I where to drink or even smoke weed it would break that barrier. I have to work just as hard at my recovery as I did for my addiction. That is I do something for my recovey on a daily basis. I do still have a couple of my old friends but I don’t spend the time with them that I once did. They have to respect my possition as will as I do there’s. I have learned when I can’t be around them or when it’s time to leave.
I will be comeing up with 3yrs. in Jan. Longest time I have been able to put together. Last time around I went back out after 2yrs. Thought I had it down and could use or drink socialy. What a joke! Took 4 yrs and some very extrem conciquces to relise that this is a life long thing for me, And it keeps getting better.
Subs help give me that edge that I need to keep from experenceing and they also help control my cravings.
Even after this much time I still get thoughts, and worst of all I have vary vived dreams of useing. Just two nights ago I had one of the worst dreams ever and if it wasn’t for the sub I took as soon as I woke up today could have turned out much different.
I work and live in a sober living house, so I deal with all this on a daily basis.
November 16th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Hey JB Great seeing you tonight at group. I agree with your comments about the group, even though I was really late, I just wanted to be there. From my perspective being the only addict not on subs since my doc is alcohol I find it very interesting how subs work for your recovery as opposed to the use of antabuse. And more recently for me going through the shots that I believe are sorta the alcys answer to your subs. How anyone could be judgemental about how we get cleaned up is beyond me. Placing yourself in judgement of another in my opinion is completely selfserving. Makes your shit smell sweeter.
Anyway, even if I was late and probably a bit disruptive, its always good. Have a good one.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
by the way, i’m jane, an addict, and doing the best i can…
November 17th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Hey DQ Sweet Stuff. I sure wanted a hug from you last nite at group. Don’t let nobody get you down. I’ve wasted way to much time and effort in my life worriyin about what the other person thinks of me. Ya know what, as long as I can look in the mirror and smile. Hey, its a great day. I really took one thing Doc and Steve told me one day into my heart. Someone had pissed me off at a meeting. Probably cuz they were so much better than me ( HA ) So I was getting myself all worked up into a bitch, and how just made me want to drink, I’ll show them. Then they told me something I am sure they have told a few others, but it really sank into my soul. Doc said “You should charge them rent, cuz they are taking up free real estate in your brain. You would never let someone live rent free would ya. And do you think they even remember the remark they made that had you living shit for the last week.” HELL NO!!!! So everytime someone expresses themselves, if its helpful I let it stay, if not I do my best to not let it take up space cuz utlimately, it only hurts me. And thats just plain sillyness, cuz really, I beat myself up enough myself to let anyone else take any swings at it.
Okay DQ, Love YA Girlfriend. Your a good lady and anyway your making it dear, as long as its in the solution, is A OKAY with me darling. Rock on with your bad self!!!!!!!!!!! AND SMILE
November 17th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Thanks to all that attended last night’s SLOARC group..Always great to see new folks show, and my thanks to those of you that come on a regular basis.
Next session will be Tuesday, Dec. 1st, 5:30pm at the office….
Steve–out
November 18th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Hello, Have not read any of the upper blog Just seeing the end from MK Saying frustrated Recovery is an awesome road that we all are traveling Hope we all make it to the same destination, but we all find different hiways to get there. Mine unfortunately has taken some bad detours. But I don’t think any hiway is without interstates that kinda mush together then your hopefully back on the hiway ya were on and want to stay on to get to your destination. Guess I am just so happy to still be following the map my sponsor and my heart is traveling, what the hell I an look in the mirror and am happy That said Happy camper puttin up the tent for the nite LOVE to all Peace out
November 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Was tired last nite, what I said above makes perfect sense to me still, but my goodness, if someone doesn’t have the kind of mind I do it probably all just sounds like a crazy person rambling !!! What the heck, I like to laugh at myself at least. Have a great day and play safe out there.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Ok I’m going to try this again- Jane I am by no means fine- I am a train wreck. I lost my nursing license- my nursing license for christ sake. I lost my ability to work and support myself over this disease. My husband killed himself and lay in our yard for 3 days before I found him- over this disease. He was an attorney and supported us nicely so my not working was no big deal. It is now. I live with my parents. My daughter is here also my son is away at college. I had my reinstatement hearing for my license September 22, 2009. I had to sit in front of the board and beg forgiveness. I was brilliant I had them crying but did not shed a tear! I should hear from them any day now- they said 30-45 days and it has been 57- but whos counting? Its not like my whole life depends on this. Also my brother killed himself over this disease he was 35. So ya I am really hard nosed about no controlled substances ever,ever ever. I have nightmare too all the time they terrify me.Now if I had some benzos I would take them all the time I’d be mellow mary 24/7 I have no control- really sad actually. I bought the box set of Dallas- don’t judge- I used to love that show I was happy in the 80’s. So I put it in my DVD player when I go to sleep- clearly I sleep alone- and if I wake up I see the Ewings and I know all is well. I know it sounds weird but that is what worked for me.
I want my life back and am willing to do whatever it takes- I absolutley can’t relapse or I lose everything again. I don’t think I would survive, this has taken everything I’ve got. So If I sound hard nose, thats why. Sorry if I offended anyone. I don’t walk around smiling I am miserable most the time. When I have something to smile about I do. I used to be a happy person, outgoing and bubbly. Drugs took that from me. Maybe I will be again, who knows.
MK
November 18th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I was just thinking about how judgemental I am in all things and how going to meetings has helped that alot. I cannot sit in a A/A meeting being a alcoholc/junkie who is taking a physicaly addictive drug so I can stay off a physicaly addictive drug. Not all addicts have the benefit of Suboxone and I’m blessed that I have the resourses to have a kind and gentler way at my disposal. Knowing that I find it rather hard to take somebodies inventory. But my alcoholic /addict mind would love to do just that, any judgment on my part is usely deflection, so I don’t have to look at myself to deeply. With that said I don’t see anybody on this blog being judgemental I see concern and caring for those bloggers who might have gotten close to the edge and I think that the comments that were made were so that others would not have to dance to close to that edge again. And thats my judgement on that.
Strat.
L.I.A.Y.N.
November 19th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
i have someone - a dr - wanting me to do 1mg xanax x 4 day.
this is to suppress my cravings for alcohol.
is he nuts?
i’ve come across many a quack before, but…..
alcohol cravings are a major - major - issue for me right now - again.
dr, anyone……?
November 19th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Two questions Bup.
1-How much experience does the Dr. have in with substance abuse treatment?
2- Can you trust yourself to not self medicate?
Cunning,Baffiling,Powerful
Strat.
November 19th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
bup- r u on suboxone? If not I have a friend who takes naltrexone for alcohol cravings, it works for her, just a thought. Are the cravings at a particular time of day. What I have done is kept a journal of when I was craving and found a pattern. Then I made a plan to keep from relapsing. I went to the gym or took a run with my dog. I needed something physical to tire me out and raised my endophins at the same time. Stay away from the xanax it is serious bad news for addicts, and alcoholics.
MK
November 19th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
bup- my standard reply; talk to dr. h and steve.
November 19th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Wowie Zowie Bupster!
Xanax 4mg four times a day!
My instincts say say away from the xanax period. Lotsa other things that are much less likely to get you into trouble, and seriously, xanax is on the very bottom of my list of solutions.
That’s not to say I don’t have a couple folks on it (alright all you OTHER bloggers, NO, I’m NOT going to prescribe it for you!)
It is a sub-standard wet blanket solution, and as I said before, it’s really so close to a pill form of alcohol it’s spooky.
“Xanibars” $2 a mg on the street, and although I haven’t had the pleasure of ever taking them I understand if you line up 100 random PEOPLE and give them xanax, like 70% say “yeah, that’s cool stuff, can I have some more?”
So……
As I see it benzos are benzos, and they do NOT have any significant pharmacological differences other than speed of onset and half-life. IMHO addicts do best on meds they can’t “feel”, and that leaves xanax out.
So…..
When an addict “doesn’t like” a benzo like ativan or valium or klonapin, but likes xanax… IMHO the addict is going for the “feeling” of the drug and isn’t satisfied with the overall way it addresses the “problem” of “anxiety”.
Sobriety is an uncomfortable place for addicts and alcoholics, and drugs help that feeling of discomfort. Many an addict off their “drug of choice” has explained to me they use substance X because it helps their “anxiety”. They get perturbed when I suggest they would also do OxyContin or drink to “help their anxiety”.
Alcohol craving…. are you sure you’re not dealing with the simple and understandable desire to return to active addiction? It would all start to make more sense to me if I look at your problem that way.
Fish swim, birds fly, addicts/alcoholics use drugs and drink, and the universe is happy.
All addicts discover good “reasons” to use drugs.
Honestly I’m on your team Bupster. Doesn’t this sound like the stuff I would say at office visits? It’s hard for me to “read” you through typing, so maybe I’m way out in left field.
Back to my life…
Dr H
November 19th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Cast is off today. off to bed because i’m mentally and physically tired and hurt. won’t need a ”benzo” because my achy wrist, hand, arm, heart and soul will put me out right away. goodnight all, i’m out,dq
November 20th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I drank again. 90 plus days shot to shit. I don’t think I can do it agan
November 20th, 2009 at 11:18 am
rocking, i’ll be in mb thanksgiving weekend. i’m coming on friday. my sister and i didn’t want to be away from each other after the first holiday since we lost our brother. maybe i’ll be buried next year, maybe her. we’re grieving still, and need each others support. we are all we have left of our “families” that we grew up with. we’ll meet somewhere for COFFEE. we’ll talk. til then, let me tell you why you can do it again;
1. you and i are addicts.
2. addicts tend to screw up. alot
3. doesn’t mean addicts can’t have decent lives.
4. go on a diet and sometimes it takes lbs of times to get it right.
5. “sometimes”, even though i love you much, you walk to close to the line. be mad at me for that, but i don’t want to go to your funeral. i would, but don’t want to. okay?
6. maybe the crap on the blog got to you
7. did you call dr.h, or steve, sponser or go to a meeting?
they have a hotline. that is what a hot line is for.
8. i like you. i care for you. you are an awesome person, and you don’t need to drink to be anything more than you are. you have to love YOURSELF first to get through this.
9. That’s why you can start again. and again til ya get it.
10. and 90 days shot to shit? Isn’t that the longest you have gone, or am i mistaken?
call me here in fresno if you need to. tell steve, kris, dr.h., patty, rick, anyone i have given my permission to let them know that they can give you my number.
so, today is number 1, right? hugs to you…
see ya all, this is why KIND words work. let dr. h and steve tell it like it is to the patients. they are the trained pros. one word taken worng by someone out on the blog, and you just don’t know how it will affect them. i know the last one got to me pretty much last week, ask steve. tell them steve. you have my permission. he got my crying letters, and what the hecks, and what did i do? i’m doing my best. if this blog is only for people who are doing great and don’t need help, then lets change it now. i thought it was to help, and to keep everyone knowing there’s a place to cry, have a fit, let their feelings out. just my opinion.
dq-out
November 20th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
we may even be leaving this afternoon to celebrate no cast. i’ll let you know rocking.
November 20th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
No Rockin they are not shot to shit they are a foundation stone that you are going to build your next sobriety on unless you decide to throw a pity party for yourself,plain and simple, Rockin just pick yourself up and move forward.
Strat
November 20th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
The folks here are right Rockinstuff.
So you just pick yourself up and start plodding forward again, Simple, and not dramatic plan.
Lotsa people drink and relapse and do or don’t find their way back to sobriety, “chronic relapsing disease.
So figure out where you went wrong at 90 days and avoid that trap because now you’ve seen it.
Or you can buddy up with your addict and get into a whole woe is me mode and go on drinking and see how that works out.
You have to want sobriety in a desperate way and be willing to not run away when the sober world gets difficult. Nothing the sober world can throw at you is as difficult as the problems you have when you’re drinking.
Are you ready to take your Antabuse again and start over?
Dr H
November 20th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Except you Rockinstuff!
I think this is a really important place you can come and be honest and start to re-enter the land of sobriety.
We’re here for you 24 hours and please continue to stay in touch with us here!
There are lots of folks on your team here and ready to help.
You have zero to do with any problems here and if we can help you get back on track that’s what the blog is about.
Dr H
November 21st, 2009 at 10:32 am
in the spirit of taking the high road here goes- Jane- I am truly sorry if my blog entries in any way offended you. This was not my intention- or maybe it was- I’m not sure. I find myself angry at what this disease does to people and cut to the point- this is not always well recieved. Again I apologize to Dr H for upsetting him (again). Steve keeps asking me to blog- perhaps you can ask him to stop doing this- This is who I am and I make no apologies for that.
MK
November 21st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Boy, I have been nervous getting on today, predicting a letter from Dr. H. I’m shaking.
No apologies needed MK. What I don’t understand, is we’ve never met face to face. And, i’m probably wrong, but it seemed as if you lashed first everytime. If not, I’m sorry. I should have taken the road less traveled. I wrote a letter to respond, and to honor Dr.H and to try and be a better person, and not to see him go banana’s again, i did not submit it. It was not nice. We seem to ride on different sides of the road. No big deal…that is what makes us all unique. While we all are addicts, that doesn’t make us all in the same mold. We don’t look alike, think alike, or live alike. I’m angry at this disease also, but i will not let it beat me up. I’m a huggie person, try to say please and thank you, and, well, lets leave it at that.
To Dr. H- I apologize. You have given me more help than anyone in the past two years. I don’t want bickering with MK to ruin our patient, dr, relationship. I’ll stay off the blog if that’s the answer. It’s been a great place to blow off steam that would have perhaps pushed me to a place I’d not want to be. I guess the worst got to me. I just didn’t rockin to be hurt. and she was. and i helped, and i’m sorry rockin.
MK= as far as Steve asking you to blog, and for you to ask me to ask him to stop doing this…if its something you desire…like i’ve always have said, call Dr.H or Steve. I will not own that.
I do make apologies for loosing control and upsetting the apple cart to all who blog on SLOARC. I do think you are a wonderful group of people, and if anyone hasn’t gotten on, it’s a great place to get a wealth of information, friendship, and sometimes some laughs. And I’ll let my stomach jump all over today, have some good cries, because as much as i’ve been hurt in my whole life, the last thing i ever want to do is to hurt anyone. Again, my sincere aplogies to EVERYONE.
Happy holidays to all…dq (and no Dr., I don’t have MK’s e-mail, sorry.)
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:51 am
Rockin- I was sad to hear about your relapse, not disappointed! Come on now that is what we do. There are a small number of people that are able to come into the program and never go back out. But I’ve been around awhile and belive me it is a very small % of those that are able to do just that.
The main thing is just to pick yourself up and go at it again. Look at what might have brought you to that point. After my first relapse it took for ever to get any time again. I was back and fourth many times.
I find that most of us begain the process of relapse way before we actualy pick up and once we start on that path it’s just a matter of time before we actualy drink or use. You can’t beat yourself up over it, learn from it and just keep coming back.
One of my problems was I always thought I had it together enough that I could be around it without it affecting me. Like going to concerts where everyone is drinking, and going around old friends that still used. I miss going out and doing the concert thing, but I came to understand that I have to be very careful in doing so and have to pick wisely on the situations that I place myself in. I’m one of those people that just don’t care for this stright life, and I enjoy being altered in any way posable, it doesn’t matter weather it be pills, drinking, or right on to my drug of chose.
It doesn’t matter how I start it out iv’e learned tha
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Wow don’t know what just happen but I hit the wrong key and my blog got sent of before I was done.
As I was saying it doesn’t matter how I start out Iv’e learned it always takes me to the same place and ends up bad for me. I’m an addict! plan and simple. For me to have any normal life I have to work at this recovery thing daily, and it is by no means easy for me.
So please, jump back in we are all here to help and you would be truly missed if you where to give up now. For some of us it just take a little longer but it is never to late to turn all that around.
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
JB- I think the gremlins on the blog site got to you. They play around with all of us time to time.
Rockin- JB is right. There are many addicts. Some are strict with their recovery (which I suppose is where we are all supposed to be), others have a harder time. Makes you no worse- only who you are. You start, and try again, and I think that is a brave, couragous thing to do. Just start again. God made us all special- and you are no different. We just need to find the key that keeps rockin’s addict quiet. or in its own room. love ya, and write to let us know how you are. If you haven’t talked to Dr.H or Steve, DO SO!!
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
One of the most important aspects of recovery is honesty. Straight talk open honest communication. Caring about a fellow addict/alcoholic can mean some pretty tough talk-blowing smoke up their ass isn’t caring. If something is said that makes you upset-try to figure out why- don’t kill the messenger-
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
so I guess I am now banned from the blog
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
MK- let this be the last. i felt ”weird” and embarressed about blogging after, our,????? fist fight? haha and I was going to stay off, because it killed me thinking people thought I was a person not able to hold my emotions. Which at times, I don’t! But its over. No one’s banned you from the blog. The playground is large, we ALL have our own ideas, and I have a hunch that if we talked face to face, (imagine this) that we’d actually be friends. Let your heart be light. You and I have both been kicked enough during our lives, I imagine, and it’s time to stop kicking each other. Hopefully your friend, dq
(Right now, we need to pray for Rockingstuff, who I’m feeling really needs ALL of us.)
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Well I for one MK hope your not banned from the blog an honest straight forward recovery process is for me the only way I can face my addictions. A no B/S approach works for me but I can speak only for myself. I lied to myself far to long and far to often resutling in a life that was less than stellar and if it wasn’t for some divine intervention in the form of Dr.H and A/A I shutter to think where I’d be. So Tough Love works as long as there’s a capital “L”in the Love part of it.
Strat
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:41 am
Thanks to all for staying on the blog…..We all have different opinions on subjects and that’s what makes life interesting..We all have one thing in common, which is our addict/alcoholic.. I have talked with all of you at the office at some point; you are all unique and totally different individuals, but your addict sides are all EXACTLY the same as each other and the same as mine. Addiction is actually very predictable, but I remember when I relapsed at 5 years of sobriety, I was baffled! “Wow, what the heck happened??” Looking back of course, it was VERY CLEAR what happened, sobriety slipped down a few notches on my priority list….
Take care all, and remember: Next SLOARC group session: Tuesday, Dec. 1st, 5:30pm at the office….
Steve–out
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Greetings folks..I too enjoyed the last group meeting. It was my first time. I am eternally grateful that doc and Steve are there. This program has given me back my life. I do remember this feeling. I am high as a kite right now on life….thats right high on life. That was me ten years ago before I ever used one single pain killer. I don’t even remember taking this kind of drug from a dentist or any doctor before that. I do remember a time when I worked in a small town in ventura county. I worked at a chevrolet dealer. Removing a transmission. a small earthquake shook the trans jack and the transmission fell. Well, I tried to catch it. I’ll bet you know what happened. Before it hit the ground, it severely cut my left thumb. My boss took me to the medical center to get my thumb stitched and I still remember the look on the doctors face after he wrote me a script for vicodin es….7.5/750. I threw it in the trash…..He quickly recovered it and said it would help with pain…I told him I felt no pain…I was young, strong both physically and mentally. I had a high threshold for pain.. the doctor had such a quizical look…. I did’nt give it a second thought…..By the way I interviewed for the second time on friday for the job I wanted and I got it…..any way next time I submit I want to tell about some time back when I used to fly….no really I had an FAA private pilots license untill I had a seizure……well next story about how this is relevant to this new life…..everyone have a great thanksgiving…
November 24th, 2009 at 9:02 am
welcome randall,
not to be a buzz-kill, but sounds like you may be on the ‘pink cloud’.
just remember -
keep your gear down and flaps at 10
bupester - over
November 24th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Keeping your gear down in case you have to make a quick landing is for sure good advice Bubester…..The other side of it goes like this though: When I was 1 year clean and sober, the old timers said, “enjoy your pink cloud while you can son, ’cause it won’t last!” Then they told me the same thing at 2 years, and someone told me it again recently. (I’m coming up on my 10 year mark in a month or so..God willing!) I guess my point is, yes, I have bad days still once in awhile, like I’m sure we all do, but for the most part I’m still on my pink cloud. Thinking back it’s different than it was at first, but still that same good energy.
Here’s wishing a little pink cloud for all of you! :>)
Next SLOARC Group Session: Tuesday, Dec. 1st 5:30pm at the office…
Steve–out
November 24th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Randall- Long time no hear from u. I think Bup and Steve have had different experiences,same outcome, so, different responses. But all with great care and concern. My put in the think tank as, if you feel great in the pink clouds, or a more strict regimine, or just plainly having both feet firmly on the ground, do what works for you. Remember all of us r addicts, but all our addicts play us different. Much like a poker game! Just watch your addicts “tells”, and you’ll be great. Again, glad to see your name on the blog.
Hummm. To take benzos or not to benzo. This is the question. I, like Da-SD Junglist suffer SEVERE anxiety. Looking back in my life, I was always somewhat of a loner until I got older. I would make lunch plans with friends, played on a bowling team that depended for me to be there, and the night before, the fear would start to rise from my stomach, to my heart to my brain, and after throwing up, I’d think of a reason to get out of it, (sick children, sick me…) As my children grew older and needed me at school events, I knew I had to leave home to help them. It was hard, and even though it I left home, the anxiety was still there. My dr. started me on antivan, klonpin, then xanax. I asked about valium…he was totally against it. I just wanted to be even. I hadn’t even fallen in love with my opiate docs yet. But i did fall in love with xanax, and it’s an evil drug used improperly. I’ve gotten down to a safe limit, but would LOVE to get on something that Dr.H thinks is better. And remember. Without ‘’something” in the benzos, I don’t leave the house. So, I understand severe anxiety. It’s debilitating, and often takes wonderful people’s life upside down, and it’s a shame. Scruffy- good job just looking. Cat’s have nine lives. We have one, and if something happens, we’re often lucky to have a few more. You did a good thing. Okay, I have had a long and good productive day. Think I’ll call it a sucessful day, and get some good rest. Hope you all do also. TTFN
November 25th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Just to let you know, I’ve de-throwned myself from a queen to a simple princess. should have called it toilet cleaning princess, but, gee, that might give you guys an idea what i do. like clean our home, cuz no one else will!!so drama queen is princess stinkerbell, and i’ll try to be less “drama.” thanks Dr.H and Steve for the words of wisdom. Appreciate it much, and always wish I lived closer and wasn’t an out of towner. Although my husband is thinking of new business to start, and told me about what’d he’d been thinking how to work this one for the past year. Knew there was something brewing up there, and it would put us in the SLO area often. Lots of crops over there also. Praying it works out. TTFN Leaves are calling me,”rake me, rake me!!”
November 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
dr/steve/anyone in the know,
1 (one) mg 4 times daily.
no alcohol cravings.
i have concern over benzo use,
but 0 (zero) desire for alcohol.
opinion - please.
November 25th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Hi Bupe, Steve here…
I certainly can not condone the use of benzos for addicts/alcoholics…I’ve just watched too many folks go back to their old ways because of them…I played around a bit myself years ago, and found that benzos gave me the same feeling that alcohol did…and then at some point my alkie talked me into drinking again. It wasn’t really much of a leap…Having said that, I never had the kind of anxiety that I see others deal with….and I’m sure there are folks out there (maybe you, Bupe) who do just fine, and live a normal life which includes Benzos….
A couple of things about your situation, still cause me concern…One is your line above that says just that: “I have concern over benzo use.” If you were ok with using them, and I mean ok, down to your very soul, you would not have a concern….Just like people who drink normally, NEVER, EVER, have the thought, that they should cut down their use…It just NEVER occurrs to them…Why should it…they are not alkies or addicts…
The other point that I’ve discussed with you before, is the fact that you stopped benzos at one point and were doing fine with Vistaril….and then I’m thinking your “addict” convinced you that they weren’t doin’ the trick anymore at some point….I don’t know, I’m just throwing out some of my thoughts…No judgement or anything like that..Once again, from what I know about you, life is going well….
Addiction is just SO cunning….I’ve watched as one of our patients, who came in addicted to Vicodin, got clean, did great for a few months, and then started drinking a glass of wine now and then…His addict “let” things go just fine for a while, and then one day after a couple glasses of wine, it suddenly seemed like an OK IDEA, to take just a couple Vicodin….I don’t think I have to tell you the rest of that story…Luckily, this person made it back to us, and is doing great today….
I always like hearing what’s on your mind Bupe, so let me know..If you could explain your “concern over benzo” line, it would probably clarify things for both of us…
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, next SLOARC group session will be Tuesday, Dec. 1st, 5:30pm at the office…Come on over Bupe…would love to have you, and I think you would enjoy our little crowd…
Steve–out
November 26th, 2009 at 12:00 am
I remember when I was starting to go to Dr.H, doing GREAT on subox, counting my days that I was sober. Then, sitting in the Dr.s H pressence, he said, no norcos? as he reads off of my chart, and me being so trusting? and wanting this to work, I had writen down that I had ONE sip of a wine margarita at the fair horse races. BIG CHECK, CHANGE SOBRIETY DATE. But I’m doing well, I don’t drink, don’t take away my sobriety date. It was a longggg ride home that day, and then i thought back to my very early days of marriage. We have a group that we went to school went, were good friends, and we practically raised our children together. The couples did everything together. The leader of the pack made us fuzzy navels one day at a swimming get to gether at her home. Now remember, this was in the early 80’s. I was the only one not getting pregnant, they had all popped out two or three, and we were so close that they took it upon themselves to make me an a appointment at their ob, and when I went to my appointment, there they all sat in the waiting room, and even came into the exam room. Cozy. Well, they told us there was nothing wrong with us. I worked for my husbands business, which didn’t take all day, cleaned the house everyday. The pantry was alphabatized even. So one night waiting for hubby to come in and eat a dinner that had gone bad, I cried and fixed myself a FN. It was late, It was only one. Then soon I noticed that although it was still one, it started earlier in the day, like 3, then more than one….two….three….four, and a nice nap. I got scared, I don’t know why. I saw a pattern happening, and didn’t think I should go that way. So, out went the booze, and the orange juice was good for breakfast. NOW, when we got together, there were two of us that would drink each other over the table, under the table, and one night, I don’t remember, but she and i both ended up in the bottom of the pool. UMMMMM, good times. Then God blessed me with the 3 words, you are pregnant. Didn’t drink, wasn’t into norcos yet. Then after the baby came, we’d get blitzed, and baby needed attention during the wavey night, and as hubby slept all day, I would puke, feed the baby, change his precious diapers, and puck. Didn’t like that pattern either. So I looked at what was happening. I truly don’t LIKE the taste of alcohol. So, why was I drinking it? So lucky me, I was able to STOP. But let me tell you the truth. I might not have liked that taste, but I liked the feeling I got, and I knew that if I didn’t just stop, I’d be in trouble. Wish I had that same ‘’smartness” when it came to the pills. So, for years I’d drink one social drink and then diet pepsi. Now, it’s diet pepsi only.
See, you just don’t know what will grab ahold to you. So, we need to tread very carefully around anything that is addictive. I DO take xanax; i’ve not lied about that. But i’m much better with my dosage (Dr. here has me taking 1 mlg 4 times a day) ended up in the hospital with a seizure. I was feeling pretty good, stopped cold, and didn’t know you’d have a seizure. and he still keeps me on it. I ask him if there is anything that would work the same, but he likes me taking xanax’s. And my panic is SOOOOO severe that I’ll start to feel it come on, not take anything, and within 3-4 days i’m sitting in my hubby’s recliner not talking, not moving, eating…5=6 days, the blanket goes over my head. take a xanax, and i start to live again. about 7 years ago, i have a horrible back (many ailments), and trusting the drs. they wanted me to go to this dr, who no longer has his license, to be put to sleep and shots in the lower back. go home for 3 days and get up on the 4th. Took a shower, didn’t think i looked right, went to get dressed, and at the time i wore a six pants, and i couldn’t get one leg in. got on the scale and had gained 30 lbs withing those three days. called the dr…happens once in so many times. within a month I was wearing brothers overalls. no weight came off, i wasn’t eating anything, and soon i had diareah for a week, then throwing up for a week, and even going to my dr., no one ever took any blood. one night in bed, my husband reached over and touched me, and said i felt like a dead body that had been pulled from water. of course he didn’t tell me that till a long time later. the next day he came home from work in the morn., put my shoes on, carried me to the car, with my protesting,”it’s the flu.” he made no appointments, and our dr wasn’t there. we saw the next best one, or as I think of her the best one now. she told me i’d be in the hospital for a week, i probably had the flu that was going around. my sister works at this hospital, i got a great room, blood was taken, and she was there in a flash. she sat down and told me that i was in complete renal failure, probably due to the shot that the dr gave me (Probably pierced my kidney), and she had no idea why i was alive except for plain onery determanation. i had to go to another hospital where they specialized in this, got to that hospital around midnight, met my angel dr. and he said he was sure this was what happened, and he would get me well, God willing, because we had to give God at least 1 percent. I was in the hospital for 2 months, on dialisis??? and finally my kidney’s started to turn around. God willing. I was cured. Miriacle? Good dr. and good God. But that is why I am high risk, plus the rhuematic fever, and some other things. My son was about 16 at the time, and he’d drive to the hospital, and they would say, don’t be afraid of the machines. they are keeping her alive, and at that point, my survival rate was low. long story for what i wanted to tell you. one day the na came in to change my bed, give me a bath, and she was so sweet. I turned my back onto her, got in the fetal position, and just cried. they put me on suicide watch. finally the dr. taking care of me called the family dr., and he said, have you been giving her xanax? She’s severly panic and won’t look at people, leave her home, drive a car. so the ”other ”dr came in, gave me a small doseage of xanax so not to work my kidneys, and within an hour i was starting to talk, apologizing, living in the world again. guess what i’m trying to say is, i’ve been pretty sick most of my life. don’t feel i’ll hit 60, and that isn’t a pity party. but i want these years, however many i have left trying to do the Best thing i can for a change. not gulping pills. being true to myself, and only i know the answer to that, and of course dr. h’s pee cup! just be good and true to yourself. ttfn…
November 26th, 2009 at 7:58 am
steve,
my concerns:
benzos are habit forming
how habit forming
how destructive to your physical side
how difficult to stop
vistaril made it to the point of simple gad at 2 am
add in a large biz that’s on the brink - things change.
November 26th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Hey Bupe.
Suboxone is habit forming and you don’t question those and in todays internet age I’m sure you checked up on Xanax, so like steve says why the doubts and concerns? Even during my using days I’d steer clear of Xanax, just my two cents which you didn’t ask for, just be carefull please.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Has anyone heard from Rockin?
Strat.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Strat, I think Steve said Tuesday she was doing okay. But, the way he said ok didn’t make my heart leap? Sorry Steve(LL) I asked Steve to call her and give her my number, but no calls so far. I think she’s sitting back, getting back on track. My hope. She’s determined. I only pray this wasn’t the one that pushed her husband over the edge. I know she’s mentioned that before. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and hope your wife has a good one also.
Bupe-I’m not understanding. Are you looking to go on xanax for alcohol? Or are you just Swedish like me and can’t get it out of your head. Bupe- Yes, I take xanax now, and if DrH. changed me to something else, I do it in a heartbeat. I don’t take much xanax now. But when I started, they were nice companions. There are weeks, truly I mean weeks I don’t remember because of the xanax, and the addict saying, ”if one is good, two, is better, three is sweeter, four, i’m not dead, five, six, seven,eight, lets see where that starts me. Oh, not enough….more and more. When we went on a short cruise to Mexico, and God I hate this story, I was running out of a just filled script. A 3 day cruise. And I’m looking all over Mexico for xanax, because even though you can get it there, they are very careful to a first time person. Then I finished my cruise happily. And I remember maybe 1/2 of it. Or the time in Tahoe, having dinner at a 5 star resturant, feel asleep, and plop, head went into dinner. Actually hubby caught me before completely falling, and I somewhat came too. And I argued with him that it didn’t happen.
It’s a bad drug. And if you use it, you have to have discipline. I’ve learned mine through many mistakes. So, again, why are you thinking so much about xanax. I really want to understand, and I feel like something’s passing over my head. Bupe= have a Happy Thanksgiving…
Rockin- Are you okay? No harm done. Please call me, we will talk. You are precious and brave, especially to tell on yourself. I’ve done it myself, and it’s a very brave thing to do. I love you, and pray that you have a Happy Thanksgiving as well…I’m worried…love ya
And everyone at SLOARC- Happy Thanksgiving…
November 26th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Bupe, re-read your post again. darling- they are VERY addicting, and you get hooked FAST…
November 26th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Rockin- I was planning to drive to MB tomorrrow, and stay for the weekend. But I’ll be driving, and I’ll do it, but for some reason I’m exhausted. My nurse sister said it’s because we lost our brother in Aug., then 2 surgeries withing 3 weeks, in casts for 8 weeks, and then she really reminded me that the ortho told me to not to do anything last week, which I did in the yard, vacumned, took down fall decorations…..ect. I let hubby cook, drive, ect. So I was thinking about telling hubby tomorrow morning when he heads out that I was staying home. BUT, if you answer me, for YOU C, I’ll drive over and see you for the day. I’ll be fine. I’ll come back in the evening, and hubby doesn’t even need to know I was there. I really want to talk to you. Call if you can, blog if possible. Dr.H and Steve, just let me know she’s okay. We make friends, and after we have met them, it’s sealed. Right 5150? Or, I’ll come for the day to see 5150. You have my number. I need to reconnect with my blog friends. Strat-meet you and your wife for a diet pepsi in Cambria? Holidays are still hard. Miss my son still. Blessings to all…
November 26th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Thanks for the support folks and al your comments are welcome.It’s thanksgiving today and my son left about three hours ago and here I sit all alone. I got a call from the care coach the other day. It was an interesting conversation. I readily let her know I was not happy with the cost of meds. There was no comment. …They are not a manufacturer that wants to help that way…..Just my opinion….she was asking if the holidays would possibly provide a path for relapse. My resolve is still strong enough to resist this even though my son left his almost full bottle of pain killers in his bathroon medicine cabinet. well I have my defense sitting here next to the computer, just in case…..getting high is not the concern, but getting sick is. I don’t want to ever feel that way again……I have renewed several relationships since teatment. I found, through facebook, a lovely woman I dated from New York in 1998….she was so happy…now she wants to see me….wants me to go to New York,,,,hmmm……..What the hell is a pink cloud….I would’t call it that…..Pink is the color of the liquid methadone that Aegis medical uses for their hopelessly addicted people….that means everybody that goes there uses it….for me that was like jumping from the frying pan and into the fire,,,,,,lets try not to use that color….my cloud is pure white….I can see the grey coulds forming in the distance which could produce one hell of a storm….but when I look the other way, I see all the beautiful things, my new Job, my family, My home, my life…..venturing into the storm ….and I could lose all that…..so lets all be positive…not be a cynic…look for the best in people, not the addict and we will all be alright, bring everyone up, not down…….everyone have a great thamksgiving, Ill write again soon
November 26th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I guess your cloud can be any color you want it to be. I do read about the pink cloud often, and honestly, I’d have to ask Steve or Dr.H how it got that name. I know it’s just an intense happy feeling from being off the drugs. Some expierence it for a short time, others much longer. Randal, you sound pretty happy! Very optimistic. I like when you write that you see grey cloudsh in one direction, they are probably just and figure its just storm forming in the distance. Yet you are stong and happy enough to turn the other way and see wonderful things in your future. Stick to the positive things. Who knows the answer anyway. Like the song goes, “I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still some how…it’s clouds illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all….”
Don’t worry about the clouds. Enjoy your life. If you’ve work at being sober, you deserve a happy life. Heck, we all do. Call that lady friend. NY is a great place to visit. Doesn’t mean you have to live there, right? Good to hear you doing so well.
Strat- rockin called me today. she’s sounding well. not 100 % but doing well.
She’s strong, yet shaking. She’s scared to get on the blog, wondering how people would feel, and I told her she’s got more people on the blog who care about her, an to get on. She’s a little tired, but we all get like that from time to time. I think she’s back on her way to us. I was tickeled to hear from her, that’s all I can say about that. I’ve been so worried about her. She’ll be back on, no doubt, and probably sooner that later. Rockin- I’m proud of you for picking yourself back up. SOOOOO proud.
Hope you all had a happy thanksgiving. we have so much to be thankful for. I’m tired, and off to rest. I’m thankful for friends like you all. TTFN…
November 27th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Lot’s of new and very long blogs since I was here so may have to take a little time to read them and go through. But wanted write something and it looks as though there is alot of talk about the benzo thing so I’ll put my 2cents worth in even though no one ask.
Red Flag for any addict/alcoholic even thinking it would be ok. I know there are those out there that do use them but I’ve been around long enough to see what they can do. I yes I was one of those people to.
Now there are a variety of them out there some longer acting those others. But the facts don’t lie.
Benzos are addicting, they are difficult to withdraw from and as with alcohol you can die from withdrawals. Most heroin overdose is because they mixed either alcohol or benzos with it. You would be hard pressed to find someone dieing from heroin overdose without finding they had other substance added to it.
I’ve taken most every drug known to man kind, and benzo’s are the drug that have taken me on some very strange places. More times than not I go into blackouts from them and then there is no telling what I may do.
Steve has seen me on them back in the day and I know he could tell you.
I’ve also ended up in jail and prison behind them more than once. Trouble is I love them! Especially klonopin. But this addict knows that there is just no way I could do them and keep it under control.
I’ve been able to carry on for long period of times on alcohol and other drugs without problems but as soon as I put benzo’s in the mix it never took long before I would be taken down.
In my opinion they are both very physically and mentally addicting. I realize I could just be a special case here but truthfully you would not convince me of that because I have seen what it has done to others also.
I had to recondition myself and learn to live with my anxiety attacks in a different way. Now after being off of them for an about three years I’m doing much better and dealing with that.
As they say my hats off to you if you can take something like this and not have it eventually causing a problem, but I would think twice about getting on them if it’s not really needed. And if one where to that way I would hope it would be with close suppervison from your doctor and that they would be taken for a short time.
So there you have just my opinion of course, and my experience. I’m not one of those that believe that one should not take something that could help them, but please do so with caution.
November 27th, 2009 at 6:37 am
JB, Good advice. I’ve had some horrid things in my life, and dr. here gave me , the honest truth, xanax, antivan, klonipin. Wowie zowie, where was I? Honestly, you’ll be higher on one xanax that drinking for an hour. I know my dr. wanted to help me accept my son’s death, but that wasn’t the best way.
Look, there are better drugs to take than xanax. It’s highly addictive, and it happens before you close the cap on the bottle. Yes, I still take xanax. But the RX this dr gave me used to last twenty days. Now it lasts three months. I ADJUSTED my own amount.
IF you haven’t taken it before, don’t. Not unless you are dying, and of course can’t accept it. And like JB said, use it with caution. EXTREME caution.
Good letter JB
November 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Looks like most of us made it through the Holiday! Now until the new year, is a slippery time for lots of us….Bunches of folks using drugs and drinking….some with no negative consequences, and some with the ” I don’t even care if I go to jail” attitude! Ha ha…That was me, at the end of my using days…The last time I was arrested, I was actually RELIEVED, ’cause I knew I was killing myself, and jail was the last safe option….Is that messed up or what??? Ha ha…
Randall Smith, good goin’ buddy!! You are enjoying sobriety to it’s fullest, and you are starting to see the “Promises” that AA/NA talk about, come true! I’m happy you found a job, and can put your positive energy to good use…
Bupester, I hope we can continue to explore the Benzo issue with you…It’s an important subject, and I deal with it everyday..The more I can learn from people like you and your experiences; the more I will be able to help people…
Looks kind of rainy here in SLO,,,that would be cool…
Next SLOARC Group Session: Tuesday, Dec. 1st, 5:30pm at the office….All are welcome…
Steve–out
November 27th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
To those out there in sloarc land: I”m sorry that some of you feel that my blog entries caused the relapse of another, or cause some to feel picked on or I believe the term was “kicked” around. I humbly disagree with both. I feel for the woman who relapsed it saddens me to think of her or anyone who is trying to recover and is having a hard time. I find it hard to read all the blogs talking about drugs-thats a trigger for me. My addict starts to get excited with all the benzos and pain pill talk. It just dosen’t work for me.
November 27th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Hey M.K. good to see you back
The day that any of us have the power to cause anothers relapse is the day that we are sitting on there chest and putting that persons drug of choice directly in their mouths.
I am responsible for only one persons emotions and those are my own. Whats the old saying about keeping our side of the street clean?
Strat
November 27th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Back at ya Strat- that has always been my way of thinking- but we are all unique. One of the many challenges of recovery is learning to deal with anxiety. For me learning to cope with it without rx’s was difficult. It really goes back to the fake it till you make it philosophy. I know it seems harsh- but in my experience it was a matter of just trudging through knowing it wasn’t going to last forever- like being in labor- and eventually I came out the other side- its not a big huge moment- it develops slowly over time. Those big drama filled scenes go away with more time in sobriety. I find my life becomes more serene-life hasn’t changed- it is still the same heartbreaking, stress-filled daily grind- its my ability to cope with it that has improved the more time I log in sobriety. I find myself open to new experiences and less fearful of change. And for that, I am thankful duing this weekend where we gather with family and friends to remember our gifts. Enjoy the holidays
MK
November 27th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Strat- Good, great saying. No one sits on us and puts pills down our throats, or pour booze down and into our mouths. How, true, how true, how true. Amen.
Steve-Thanks for your words of praise to the group. How true it is, that this is the season that is so hard on people. Commercials of jolly holly people at beautiful parties, drinking, laughing, and you think to yourself, will I ever enjoy holiday parties again? That’s when I have to get into my mode of, collecting food for the homeless, collecting blankets for the mission (already started) for cold nights when we are blessed to be inside, visiting Children Valley hospital with gifts we have collected for sick children…that’s what I’ve learned what the holidays are about. Hubby and I have long since stopped giving each other big gifts. Today I picked out some Stetson from Wal Mart for his BD next week. And the first of November I came home with a CD i wanted, wrapped it up, put it by his bedside the night before my BD, and he came walking into the kitchen with it saying, “I don’t know if you’ll enjoy this, but I thought you might?” Funny what 32 years of marriage does. But of course I’ve enjoyed picking things out for the new set of our little bittles (grandgirls), and things for my daughter. But back to watching all the happy movies (which I love, but they don’t turn out for me,haha) and again , back to the commercials, it’s hard to get a handle on your addiction, and feeling like you’re doing Christmas wrong or something. But we all do it different, and its always right. Let’s all remember that. Let’s just make our happiness.
MK-You sound not happy. Guess what. I’m not either. But MK, we just have to smile and do our best. YOU and i didn’t make anyone relapse. It happened. Period. If you did, then I’m just as much to blame. I talked to her yesterday, and she was doing well. Rockin- I’m not going to tell everything just some things that aren’t ”personal.” She’s tired. She’s running a 60 mins. extra for every hour in the day. But listen sweetie, SHE’S OK. And if not, she’ll call Steve or Dr. H. She promised me. And now MK, you and I will talk the truth. I will admit that it seems like, I don’t know why, but you get me first for something. Then I react, and we might as well be at the Fresno Fair Horseraces betting on which horse will make us the most money. MK darling, I was hoping we were good. I don’t live in a glass house, and I don’t think you do either. I think we ”disagreed” because I have been in a bad place the past 6 months, and you also haven’t sounded your cheerful self. You expressed your opinion. I expressed mine. Lets leave it there, and work on friendship. You didn’t kick anyone around. I hope I didn’t either. So MK sweetie, here’s the deal. Call the office or ask Steve for my personal e-mail address AND my phone number. When you disagree, call me personally, and we’ll keep it off the blog. And hopefully darling, you’ll trust me, give me your phone number, and soon we’ll be calling each other to say what a good or shitty day we had. Ok. Just one more question. What do you mean when you say it doesn’t work for you. I hope, I pray you don’t mean the blog. You are a highly educated woman, and when you write, it touches SO MANY PEOPLE. I envy you for that. I’m also glad that there is someone on the blog like you who can explain it in my language. Graduated from HS, went no further. We all have triggers. When I hear on the news about a car accident, and someone was killed,sometimes I want to rush home, get into the safe, take some of my hubbies norcos, and even though I don’t care for alcohol, have a fancy drink and drink down the norcos. But usually I get quiet, or a bit witch-y, and do my best to calm down.
SOOOO, MK, my name is Princess Stinkerbelle, and Steve, please give MK my e-mail address. We’ll keep the good, bad, ugly and happy to ourselves, off the blog. MK- I’m sorry. And, that’s all I can do. Hope you had a good turkey yesterday.
Rockin-Haven’t heard from you. I might call you late tonight. Hubby’s in Pismo, and I stayed in the valley. My had was SO swollen yesterday morning from doing my sisters Thanksgiving dishes (LOL, and its the truth. She’s an RN, and on Wednesday she chewed me out for trying to do to much. “Didn’t your ortho to act like you had a maid all week?” “Yea, but I don’t have a maid all week. I’m the maid.” Then yesterday she put me at the sink after dinner, and told me to scrub everydish clean before it went into the dishwasher. They have lived there a year and it’s still very new. Hubby came home to load the trailer, one grandgirl stayed to play with her cousins which was nice, and she went and took a longggggggg nap with her better half. 3 hours later my husband came back over and said, “time for you to go home.” Yesterday morn. he knew right away i would not be able to drive over. But it was a funny story. TTFN
November 28th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Gremlins or Steve got my blog. in case it was gremlins, i’ll try again.
It’s been a great weekend. It’s cold here, but I hear it is there also. Maybe it’s the holiday, but it’s so quiet. So like I said before, I’m taking out my magic looking glass, and I see Strat, walking his dogs. I see Bup, Randal, Steve (he doesn’t seem to have had his coffee yet), there’s Dr.H hiding, but his hair gave him away. MK is getting ready to blog, and Rockin wants to, but is frightenend. No need to be frightened. When I look in the looking glass, I can see JWS way back there, and lots of new people wondering if its worth it to start to blog with us. For me, it’s been a lifesaviour. Give us at least one time, one try. Have a happy weekend, and ya all stay safe. ttfn
(I have to wrap up my looking glass and put it away for next time.) take care
November 28th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Must have been Gremlins Princess, ol’ Steve here didn’t mess with anything today…The Gremlins get my posts now and then too, so I guess they are an equal opportunity group! Ha ha..
Steve–out
November 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
We need to catch them nasty gremlins…..arrrrr
November 28th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Okay, Hello All I have been to a very bad place but am back and ready to kick some ass. Let me try to be short and sweet, if I can, explaining my trip into relapse land.
It was suggested by a counselor, since I blew off in anger at work, that perhaps my “mood” medication, effexor, might not be working for me. She felt paxil would be a better “fix” for me. I know nothing about these things so I asked for and was prescribed paxil. I went off effexor cold turkey and onto the paxil. I immediately started feeling anxious, stomach in knots, hopeless, unable to control my emotions. It sounds weird but my brain was sorta clicking, a kind of headachy feeling. Appetite was gone. Its hard to describe but I felt like I was shaking inside. Stress kept getting worse at work, friends laid off, volunteer groups demanding more of time I didn’t have. Then I set myself up, I went off the antabuse. I was making many more bad decisions, losing control. It was crazy.
Husband and I had been looking forward to a short cruise. Then I broke, I drank, a lot. Totally busted the nite before leaving on the cruise.
Needless to say he didn’t want to go, but we did. It was miserable. I kept trying to describe how crazy, different, wrong I felt. He didn’t understand but we were starting to make some kind of peace with each other by the last 2 days on the cruise. Then we got home.
I am going to just be honest here. Got in to talk to Doc and Steve the next day. I was open with them about the relapse, going off the antabuse and tried my best to describe how I was “feeling” with the change in meds. I used the word hyper, and that was discounted as “that is just the way you are”. Which, giving some credit, is very true, to a point. I left promising Steve to take the antabuse as soon as I got home. So I didn’t go home, I didn’t want to lie to Steve. So I drank and drove. Went to see Mom, shopped, got a massage, drinking the whole way. Notice eating is nowhere in there, no appetite. When I finally called from the road Husband could tell I was wasted. He was worried sick I would kill someone, including myself driving. Got home, major bad fucked up scene.
The next day I tried again to tell my husband how hopeless and desperate I felt. He got on the internet and started extensive research on effexor and paxile. Holy Shit. Seriously, I challenge you to take a look fellow bloggers. Effexor - you CAN NOT GO OFF THIS DRUG WITHOUT WITHDRAWALS. It is so very well documented that I can not discount this as fact. Many can not get off it they get such bad w/d symtoms. I then remembered my pharmacy told me never to go off it unless I was under a doctors care. THEN, the paxile. There are so many people that have had severe problems, such as anxiety, hopelessness I described. There are lawsuits. Again these facts can not be discounted due the shear numbers of accounts that have been reported. I guess for some it might work great, but not me.
So, a double whamy of fun stuff from going off and on these prescription mood drugs. Called Doc next day, said I’m off the paxil, I want back on the effexor. At least stop the immediate symtoms of w/d, if thats what it was. I totally understand his comments that I can not base my sobriety on trying to find the “perfect mood drug”. We alcoholics/addicts can place blame so quickly on the whys we drank/used again. People, places, situations can all be what we say is the catalyst. God help we look deep into ourselves cuz it can be really scary. But what I was feeling inside dear Bloggers was so real. I was really messed up. True!!!!
I am back on the effexor dosage I was on before now and feel GREAT. All the horrible feelings I described are gone. I feel normal again, mellow, back to eating my yummy sweets. Now I need to take some personal inventory of what I CAN change in my life to decrease stress and concentrate more time on MY recovery. I feel like I can not only make 30, 60, 90 days, but I want a one year birthday. New sobriety date: November 25th. I want to thank everyone for caring, I was so scared to come back. But I have shared and opened myself completely to all of you, more so than to anyone else I know besides my husband. Thats because I feel we are all a family in a sense, a family in recovery. Please, I am not asking for pity, I don’t want it. I am asking for maybe a little understanding. I personally challenge you to do some research on the crap I described if you think I am full of shit. I just hope maybe, somehow, something I say will help someone, or at least make someone think of how others lives may be being affected, unbeknownst to any of us before we jump to conclusions. It is so very easy to do. That said, its okay not to sugarcoat, its okay to be real. We all have our personal crosses to bear, and only ourselves to live with.
I want sobriety, I want life. I believe all of you do too. Lets try to do our best to help each other on our journey. Let work together to make sure we ALL get there. You have all helped me so much just being there. Thanks again to everyone from my heart. Always speak the truth, honesty is the base of our recovery.
Hope to see some of you at Group on Tuesday! Luv, Cindy aka Rockin
November 28th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Quick post script - I am absolutely not blaming anyone for what I experienced above. NO ONE !!!! I believe everything that was done was in a sincere attempt to try to help me. Everyone is different and therefore can react differently to prescribed meds. I was just decribing my personal reactions and journey.
November 28th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Welcome Back Rockin
Strat
November 29th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Rockin- Brave of you to come home. And to tell us what happened. Welcome back.
I don’t think there is anything I can say to you that you haven’t said to yourself. I bet you’ve beaten yourself up, again, all by yourself. So, let’s not go there. Often the boat gets into stormy seas, and addicts are thrown over. Some are wearing their life jackets, which I believe is your antabuse, tools learned through AA, ect. Unfortunatly, others never make it back in the boat. Because perhaps they don’t want to admit they are alcoholics, or haven’t prepared themselves enough through using their tools that they carry around, without studying them, or even reading them. PRAISE GOD ROCKIN, THAT YOU HAD YOUR LIFE JACKET ON! Thank God.
Paxil- I am a person who reacts to many drugs in ugly ways. When I go into surgery, I have THREE red bands on my wrists from allergies. Benedryl…harmless to most, correct? I get upset, keep things bottled up inside, and wham, I’m breaking out in hives the size of dinner plates. Honest to Pete. So, Dr. says, give her a benedryl. Soon, about 20 minutes later, I’m feeling the effects of the medication. Not sleepy. In fact I’m wired up, and I don’t like this feeling. I yell at my family, “Grab a leg, a foot, an arm, and pull!! No, really, PULL. I feel nuts. I”m acting nuts? So take me to the hosppital. No wait, I’ll run there myself.” And I’m highly allergic to wasps, who love my yard in the summer. This summer I setting up the kiddy pool for the grandgirls, went to turn on the water. On the way to the faucet, my oldest grandgirl says, “Careful nana. There are wasps over there, by the faucet.” okay, didn’t think much of it. We have wasp spray cans ALL over the yard. Think my oldest gg sprayed some at the wasp. I walk to the faucet, and never had the chance to turn it on. 3 or 4 wasp flew out of their nest, made, and they were gonna take it out on me. I’m getting stung all over. The wasp spray can is empty, (HUMMM, bet I know what happened) Yelled at them both to get into the house and close the door. The 3 year old is crying, running around at watchin nana say words she never heard from me, rolling on the ground, screaming. She runs in the house and I hear her say, “I tall 411. I get help. I tall 411 and dit an ambuance nana. don’t worry, you won’t die. Sissy and I are ON IT”. (had to laugh at that later.) So, here’s what I’m trying to say. People can be, and are often, allergic to medications. I knew someone who had cancer at 40, was going through treatments, and she was put on Paxil.. One night this level headed lovely lady started screaming ate everyone. Her dishes were smashed all over her floor. Crystal, glasses, smashed. Walls were full of holes from a baseball bat. Hubby locked kids in a room and called police. Off to jail she went. What was her defence? The paxil released her into a blond hulk. Taken off paxil, she was great. She had called her dr. for a couple weeks tellng him how she felt. He said it was just getting used to the new medication. I believe she said “F==k y-u.
But you can only say from your own experience if a certain medication did you harm. Rockin, I think you can safely say you had a bad reacion to this medication. I would certainly mention it to any ortho,ob, dentist, just for your safety.
Look Rockin-You and I talked the otherday, and let me say I APPRECATED hearing from you. Best Thanksgiving I’ve had in years, just hearing your sweet voice. But, we talked a bit, and I still stand on my little soapbox. You want that year sober SO MUCH, that sometimes I think you set yourself up to fall. Now, before you yell, let me tell you why. And remember how much I care and love you. You are an addict, just like myself. BUT, you have a high, moving job, that pulls you in so many different places. You need your job darling. I admire all the charity work you do, but right now you need to take care of YOU. You don’t always have to say yes. It’s okay to say, “I’m not feeling well for awhile, but when I get better, I’d love to get back on board and help. But right now, my health comes first.” And honey, you are taking care of your mom, while working. Big job. Lots of time on your part. No one will fault you for taking care of YOU. Period. Take some stress off of your shoulders. PLEASE.
Follow Dr. H’s advice. Talk to Steve. He’s a great listener with wisdom and he is patient to help you. Don’t stray to far from SLOARC. Meetings. Sponser. I love to talk to you!!! Call me…I’ll call you…I’ll meet you in MB and we’ll walk on the beach after you call in sick for the day.
.
Your husband. He loves you, or he’d have packed your or his bags years ago. Under all the husband stuff, is a man who loves you very much. But just like you are tired of this, so is he. Give it time. Love usually prevails.
Most of all, concentrate on yourself. You deserve it. From what I know about you, I believe you to be a kind, loving person who actually gives a damn about people. You have more energy than a puppy looking for his master’s new leather shoes. You could dig a swimmig pool in half a day. You don’t need alcohol. You are lovely, and deserve to live a sober life. I have faith in you. Do you? Yes you do. I pray for you everyday. Sweetie, you are to
much full of love and life to let go now. Thank you again for sharing your story.. I bet many will benefit from your brave truthfullness.
Have a good sober day. Go to Steve’s meeting on Tuesday. Great , discssions. And again, thanks for callin the otherday. I made my day to hear your voice, and to know you were doing beter’ . God Bless you, stinkerbelle
November 29th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thanks Stinkerbelle. God bless you also. I am going to spend this Sunday getting all the books in order for one of my volunteer Treasurers positions on a charity board and make a clean hand off. I am so afraid of disappointing someone I have great respect for, but I have to put recovery first. Both my husband and I have discussed that this last position I took has pushed my time limitations over the edge since the dynamics of my job have changed so drasticly. I will keep the other three board positions, yes all treasurers positions, and be able to handle those, my job, my home life, my Mom and listing it last, but putting it first, my recovery. I really believe I never did put recovery into the mix, I never thought of it as a real aspect of my life I had to take time for. I realize my huge error and am going to change that in my life.
Going with my husband to have lunch with my lovely Mom today also. He is such a special man. I am blessed to have him in my life supporting me like he does. He gave up drinking completely to help my recovery. Such a normie, doesn’t understand what the big deal with alcohol is anyway. God, give me some of that! HA
Again, my love to you Stinkerbelle. Thanks for listening the other day. It also made my Thanksgiving a very special day. Peace out!!!
November 29th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Well, you have a happy sober day with your family. If you start to feel weight on your shoulders, let another charity go. Your sobriety is the most important thing right now. I don’t think you made a “Huge error” in anything that you did. I just believe that you have a huge heart and that you just can’t say NO! And that’s not a bad thing, but right now Rockin, you need to come first. Rockin needs to be first. Remember that everyday. Doesn’t mean you can’t do your things. Just don’t get logged with SO many things that you get overhelmed, and then the alcohol looks good. It’s not good for you. Opiates aren’t good for me! And I love to hear that you are putting your hubby and mom first for lunch. I told you he was a special man, but like with my hubby, I had to learn not to push it, because one to many times of picking my dinner out of my hair, he almost stopped. Then I had to earn his trust back, and it’s still not all there. Last week I was SO tired, and could barely keep awake. We were in town and he asked if I had gotten “loaded.” Nope, was out of medication, and the pain was wearing me out. I even offered to get drug testing kit and take it for him. So, he still watches, but he’s learning that I’m not the person I was. When I hurt so bad and cant walk, he needs to learn that I get tired and need to stop. But you have jumped a HUGE hurdle, and I’m proud of you. And like I said, you were very brave to ”rat” yourself out.
God Bless you and your family, and give your mom a hug from me. I miss my mom, and reach out to everyone’s parents, until it’s my time, and I know my family will be waiting there for me.
EVERYONE ENJOY THE GREAT WEATHER!!!!!!TTFN
November 29th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Okay I went to a meeting tonight and faced up to my sponsor. Through all of this I never called her. I like to please and knew I had let her down. I didn’t expect a hug and I did not get one. I introduced myself as having less than 30 days sobriety, and at her urging went up and got a newcomers chip. Thats when I got a hug. She was absolutely right. Everything may have been a trigger but I had the choice not to drink. She reminded me that others have been through a hell of a lot worse than me and not drank. She was tough, and completely honest. I respect her for that. AND SHE WAS RIGHT! No matter how crazy I was, and I was crazy without a doubt, no one forced the bottle to my mouth and pushed the liquid down my throat. My judgement was impared but I still had a choice. And I made the wrong one.
Strat, you are right. The 90 days I had are not shit, they are my new foundation. I know I can do it again, I know what I need to work on. Meetings, sponsor, steps, big book, service. And I’m not talking about my endless community service that I have suffocated myself in. I need to work on my recovery every day. It needs to be number one on my priority list. Yes, there is my husband, my Mom, my work. But all of those will suffer if I don’t work on my recovery.
I am sorry I made excuses for myself, I don’t deserve pity and I fucked up. Plain and simple. I am an alcoholic. What is inside me is what is going to be the key to not drinking. Not antabuse, not shots, not the perfect mood meds. No, its got to me from inside me. Don’t freak, I am not going off the antabuse as I believe my sponsor wants me to do. I still want that security blanket. I’m a little like “Linus” that way. But one day when I grow up I will be able to shed that blanket and not look back.
Thanks bloggers for putting up with me and my ramblings. Have a great week in sobriety. Luv to All, and to all a big ol hug.
See ya’all Tuesday at Steve’s sanity session????? Rockin
November 29th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Sounds like you picked a good sponsor Rockin.
Strat
November 30th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Strat- You are right. Rockin seems to have her feet back on the ground.
Rockin- Good for you. Not everything we do for ourselves to make us well is easy to do. But you put one foot out, followed by the next, and again, and walked into that meeting full of honesty and not bullshit. I’m proud of you. As far as for the antabuse- don’t let anyone talk you into it or out of it. That is your choice to make. Your choice to make and for you to own it. Period. Rockin, I’m proud of your choice to get a newcomers chip. But do me just one favor. We are all ”proud and attached” to our sobriety date. With good cause. The only thing I’ve noticed with you, is when you get close to 30, 60, 90 days, it’s like you get nervous, and your addict helps you mess it up. Don’t look at the calandar for awhile. I’m asking you, and please answer honestly. Does that start to throw you all over the place?
So happy to hear from you, and I can tell by your writing that you ain’t shitting around this time. Love to you. Night to all.
November 30th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Hey everyone, please go to the “December blog” to post……
Steve–out