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Docs grumpy? I must be also, cuz I never noticed. But you are right Steve: u r pretty cool….
Aug. already. We will be married 32 years on Wednesday, and just telling someone from the blog, that this doesn’t make me happy. Maybe a little sad. Could this be some stages of grief? Would love some suggestions before I ask for a divorce on Wed when he takes me to HIS favorite resturant. He’s a great guy. We just aren’t ”jellin” right now. He even yelled at me in the middle of the store , which I don’t think I deserved cuz i couldn’t hear what he said, asked, what? and the whole store heard how Idon’t listen to him anymore. Or could it be that I’m an addict, and he’s pretty darn near perfect?
Sorry. Just looking for help with answers. Love to you all. hugs, and again, thanks for sending us some coastal sea air. Appreciate it. Oh, went to a meeting this morning. Been staying away, and Thought, “That must be part of your problem.” Again, love to all…j
And if you have not attended one of Steves’ meetings, they are relaxed, fun, relaxed, easy to get to know people’s stories, relaxed….did I say relaxed? I went to my first one 2 weeks ago. Worth the drive, which I MAY make on Tuesday. Ya gotta try at least one….
Hi DQ, after 32 years, you should be giving US marital advice !!!!
I’ve only made it for 6 years (TWICE !!!)
If he’s just now startin to get on your nerves in the grocery store, count yourself lucky !!!! HaHa !!!
I’m only ribbin ya, but perhaps you may have a slight degree of wariness
concerning a year landmark, hence the thoughts of divorce at that time.
Just somethin to think about.
I went to my first 12 step meeting this afternoon—and yes I DID drive around it several times scoping out the terrain. I entered that big front door on tiptoes, ready to scurry back to the car at the first sign of…….
WHAT? Big hairy men with no teeth?
Cougars in scarlet spandex leggings,orange lipstick, and 6 inch stilettos?
Imagine my surprise when I find 8 regular decent people looking for a better life for themselves and the folks they’ve wronged.
I declined the coffee and donuts, as I was already full on humble pie.
So now I’m warmed up for Tues !!!
Slodancing is a double entendre~~ Live in slo county, and dancing……..
well I hope someday to dance without being stoned or wasted.
My mom taught me good manners and. .It’s just not ladylike when your tube top shimmys down to your tummy- unkown to you at the time. And it’s very bad form to throw up on the dance floor, or to forget who you were dancing with and to stagger off to the loo —-see, I have issues about dance.
Well I hope I made ya laugh a little, and that tomorrow will bring new insights for us all. Keep dancing
for us both
SLODancing Looking so forward to meeting you Tuesday at group. Had to laugh about your whole post. So everything me go through. First the meetings, God, I stood outside the door at the SLO meeting on Los Osos street, crying and trembling, to scared to go in. Rounded the corner as the meeting started and sat in the first seat. I admit, I did have Steve there saving it for me. Otherwise would never have made it through the door. I was so exhasted after the meeting I just left, no speaking to anyone. That is way past me now. I enjoy going and actually am looking forward to getting back into it with the fair drawing to a close.
DANCING, OMG did you really wear those tube tops too!!!! That is so funny. AND now they are back in style. Just commented the other day how those damn things never stay up, dancing or not. Must have been designed by a man. HA Let talk about that one.
DQ Please Please make the meeting Tuesday. Lets have a long talk before Wednesday. Maybe a stroll around the block after Mr Steveo’s cool meeting. Should be in a great mood after sharing and cookies. K???? Love ya, and believe it or not, this alkie has a little of lifes shitty, crappy experiences in my baggage I drag though life that might be of some help to someone someday. At least I hope thats why I keep them hanging around. Otherwise, ya never know, maybe you could help me empty some garbage. That would be great and I would be forever in your debt. So plan on seeing ya Tuesday DQ. Looking forward to it and also meeting up with you SLODancing.
AND YOU TOO JWS SWEETIE!!! Be there or be (fill in the blank)!!!!
Love to all. Rock on
Congrats D.Q.,
The Wife and I celebrated 31 yrs. in June and I think if I ever raised my voice to my wife in a public venue I’d be pick’in up personel parts off the floor. I’ve been well trained over the years ( If Moma aint happy aint nobody happy) a rule of thumb I live by. If my behavouir brings out the best in my Wife I’m succeding. I guess that would apply to all those around me to.
Yeah Strat, he was real sorry when we got to the car, specially when I wouldn’t give him the checkbook, and he had to use his hidden money. You have to know where to hurt them. Poor guy. He’s still apologizing this morning. Wonder if that’s cuz I slept on the couch last night? Haha Congrats on your 31 years. I was actually engaged, invites in the mail, when I walked into the “Picnic Basket” for a quick lunch before getting back to my job at the Dr’s office (yea, another laugh there.) I went, “what the hell am I doing marrying what’s his name?” He looked at me in the same way, he was in the middle of getting a divorce. 8 months later from the first look, I walked down the aisle to a man who really has treated me pretty decently. My only complaint is, he puts work ahead of me, but should I really complain about that? I know he’s missing our son like crazy also, and some of the anger is starting to come out. He stayed so calm in the beginning to help keep me together, and I realize that I need to do the same for him now. He only cried when we pulled the plug, and at the funeral. Everyday since then he’s been a rock, so like I said, what do I have to complain about. Selfish me… One funny thing is our marriage certificate application and his divorce finaliaztion papers came out in the paper on the same day, 3 days before our marriage. My mom was SO embaressed, but other than that, we just laughed. Sometimes our age difference gets in the way, but that’s okay to. Feels like he raised me, and did a decent job. Other than the drugs, but that was ALL ME.
slodancing, great posts. Can you imagine the money we’d make on the clothes that are coming back in style? I look at stuff in the store and think, “I had that outfit in 73. I’m sure it’s the same.” Of couse, the heels I used to wear all the time are no longer possible. haha, funny how things change, yet stay the same. Slo, I was at a wedding, reception outside, and that champange fountain was just so cute, and so convienent. I slightly remember throwing up in the flowerbed, or was it the pool, a drunk Dr. came over and said, “yep, she’s had to much to drink”, my husband picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, I grabbed a bridesmaid’s hat and covered my face, cuz I didn’t want anyone to know who that was being carried out. Gee, I wonder if it worked? Early days. The start of things to come.
And yes, I get nervous around christmas, bds, anniversarys, anything like that. You are probably right.
Well, we’re off to Costco to spend to much money. Talk to you later.
Rockin, I’ll sure try to get there on Tuesday. Love, j
Hi all…great blogs lately here! I’ve been staying out in Los Osos with my ex wife, helping her get through some health issues…yup, we have stayed best of friends even though we have not lived together for 15 years..ha ha…just another thing I feel very grateful for…
Sure hope to see many of you at our next group session: Tues, Aug. 4th, 5:30pm…..and I will TRY to have cookies to please you all.. ha ha ha…
Steve–out
Steve, you are both blessed to have each other. Best friends of 15 years are not easy to come by, life is not an easy road to wander down and that is a long time to have been on the path together. I just hope I will be able to have sobriety by my side as a best friend in 15 years. For that I will be truely grateful. But one day at a time right now at day 47. Otherwise it will all be too overwelming.
I met with my sponsor about step one. Easy one right? Ya know the more we talked the more shit started coming out. Theres a lot inside that alcohol kept deep. Insecurities, just lots of stuff I don’t really know I want to come out from its hiding place. But again, baby steps. At the meeting the second lady to share had just lost her Dad on Friday. Talk about deep pain, it brought it all back like it was yesterday. If I could drink to take it away I might consider it, but that brings more pain. I wished I could take it from her, then have it taken from me. But maybe thats another step I have yet to conquer. So with that, I am forgetting about myself and going to be with Mom. All I can do to make her moments special and the time I can cherish with her while doing it is magic. So I am going to create some today. Everyone have a great Sunday, do something good for you and it will overflow to someone else. Betcha!!!!!!
Sometimes it’s easier to be close to someone you don’t have to live with everyday. It’s alot like still living with your parents sometimes!!hahaha
Rockin- I lost my son,mom, dad, both in laws, a brother when I was younger, I found a friend who took his life…it will always give us a twinge. But it’s better to take that twinge, cry if you must, and find something good in their life that made the two of you happy. Life’s a circle, and we never know when we’ll be ”pulled” from the circle. So, you did the right thing by not drinking. And thinking about it doesn’t make us go backwards; in fact when we think about it and say NO, we’ve taken 3 steps forward. Sorry you were feeling sad the other day. You could always call me if you need to. Call the office and tell them it’s okay to give you my phone number. Drinking and drugs are like a big brick wall that we like to hide away from pain and fear. But that brick wall can be rammed and torn down… you are going to do okay. You already are. I’m sorry your mom is sick. But I pray to give a day or week of my life away if I could just talk or see my mom for one minute. See, we all deal with demons. And I know motherly love, and I know SHE knows you are there with her. God bless you sweetie.
I lost my mom when I was only 24 and she was 55. She was long-time pill popper, and I really didn’t think at the time she was abnormal from all our neighbors. In the 50’s life was so different—Geez, they’de have big parties where everyone chain smoked (remember those huge ceramic ashtrays like ” Table Art”? You could land a plane in those babys.) And nobody drank fufu drinks–it was scotch and water or vodka and oj for the ladies. You could barely see thru the smoke.
I sure took after dear old mom. When I would go with her to her many drs visits, they would actually hand the kids candy cigarettes and pretend pill bottles with all different colors of candy inside. So when my mom and dad were arguing about her pill use at this fancy hotel-he grabbed all her bottles and threw them against the wall, opening all over the hallway. They were so pretty !!! Red, green, blue and yellow, pink, orange. I thought there must be a pinata somewhere !!!!! I still remember the feeling of joy I had for that one moment in time. And I still think they’re pretty. Kinda like a venus flytrap.
Look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. I’ll be the one with the candy cigarette.
D.Q.
My heartfelt wishes on the triumph of having walked hand in hand (most of the time) having slept under the same roof (yes, the roof counts) having ended hundreds upon thousands of conversatations and phone calls with a fleeting ‘luv you’ that sounded as stale and habitual as it truly was and getting up again each day to take it for another whirl.
I’m not quite positive, but when I picture Anniversary 32 I’m not seeing sexy here. Quite the opposite, my vision…Two people reaching down to offer a arm pull out of the latest stumble into the complexities of surviving life as a team.
By 32, a new minty fresh toothpaste or musky cologne actually flies under the radar screen!
The bouqet of flowers are still freshly clipped, the scent may linger sweet,but they must be added to the existing list of things to care for, errands to run, appointments and grown up responsibitiles. Alas, the odds are poor that your heartsworns gift of lust will perish long before their time in a stangnet, slimy gilt ridden last pour down the disposal sink when no one else is home to witness the failure of love offered, received and forgotton.
The dinner out is fraught with dangers…the anxiety of forcing a public venue to be just perfect for both, and it will always, always be too expensive or just not feel quite the way it felt that time before. You know that time…when we didn’t need to talk about love…we just were.
Its so ironic, we long for the partner we began with, the perfect one that we truly knew…absolutley so fucking very little about at all!
We haven’t forgotten how to talk with our mates, quite the opposite, we have just had several thousand too many unnessary conversations over the decades. We got ourselves lost in the forest, not the pretty one where Robin Hood lives but the snarky dark one where Gollum hangs out with his shiny gold ring and obsessions.
Then we clean went and forgot about “the next level” of love and happiness. Gratitude on easy spin. Just an evening walk, no talk. We all work too hard all the time, both of us. We don’t have contests, we watch each others back…and don’t forget to rub them backs too! It’s not about gettin something later, by now ours backs always need a good muscle rub. We don’t keep track, when the lotion is gone it just gets refilled - by magic.
Gratitude on light. There will be problems this week, there always are. Wish it wasn’t so predictable. Thanks for going to work, thanks for fresh milk, someone must have paid the electric bill ’cause the lights work. Glad the kids look more like you than me, later they’ll second that.
Noticed a while back that women sure do need to talk alot, about pretty near everything. Over and over and round and round. Like a spin cycle on a cloths dryer tumbling around with various zippers and buttons banging out a harsh reminder or two.
Gratitude on the easy spin is for the men who actually make the effort to listen even when they honestly do not have near enough containers in their heads to hold one average “honey we need to talk about this’ conversation.
Go for a walk, only talk in one sentence per minute or two. Nothing gets fixed on short quiet walks but every now and again if your not watching too close, people might just hold hands, just easy like.
I’d work out a trade on ‘his resturant’ maybe It might have a circle back booth with a tablecloth so you could put up your feet with no one the wiser
Someonenew,
It is the Partner taken for granted.
It’s a society obsessed with Romance versus Relationship.
When romantic expectation meets relationship reality is when the hard lifting starts and most couples are ill prepared to actualy Work at the ralationship at hand I’m not saying this relates to you, just a general observation. If couples work as hard on their Relationship as they did on the fantasy of their Marriage ceremony, are nations 51% divorce rate would decline greatly.
Your post was beautiful in it’s prose but it got me thinking about my 31 years of marriage and it’s been the hardest job and the most rewarding venture I’ve ever undertaken. It’s one of the few things in my life that I can take pride in, don’t believe for one minute that it is all sweetness and light, far from it but it has givin me great rewards.
Strat
P.S. hope this didn’t sound like a lecture I just wanted to ramble.
No Strat, didn’t sound like a lecture. as a matter of fact, I’m chuckling at your’s and someonenew’s posts. I complain plenty, but he actually has more to complain about. We’ve always laughed about the ”age” difference, and how he raised me all these years, (which is the truth. Imagine getting married to a 19 year old when you are 29. Had to be hard on him in many ways.) But he’s always been there, and I’ve started more fights than he has. And I probably cause more problems than he does. But Strat, you are so right. It takes more work than divorced people know to keep a marriage together. Unless you’re getting your brains beat from your head, or being abused in anyway, then you should run as fast as you can. But every marriage has its ups and downs, sideways, off the track at times; but I truly believe in the saying “Kiss me Goodnight, every night.” Marriage isn’t always getting flowers on your BD or anniversary. Often, it’s putting his underwear, socks, tooth brush, hairdryer; everything he needs in the moring, on the bathroom counter so he doesn’t have to reach down to the bottom shelves, knowing how much it hurts him. It’s reminding him that it’s going to be monday, and you’ll take care of the poker food, if he only calls this friends. Reminding his its secretary day and sending the flowers for him. Not comparing who hurts the most, and taking his luggage to the car when you leave the coast, because he looks tired. It’s him hooking up the laptop at MB because he knows you’re a computer klutz. It’s him driving you to Dr. H’s to spend special time with you, and when you go in for your appointment, he sits outsides and calls clients. It’s limping in the house , sitting down, and him bringing you a diet pepsi, crushed ice, because he knows how much you hurt, and just want to sit and possibly go to sleep. It’s him cooking because he knows you’ve been thinking about your son to much that day, would rather not cook, and so he takes care of it. But i think my favorite one is when the two of you are in the middle of an arguement, and I’ll say, “Oh, time out, we’ll keep fighting in a minute, but I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT I HEARD TODAY!!!” Then the fight never starts again. Marriage is more giving than taking, more thinking about what you can do for them than what you’d like done for yourself. It’s about wanting to walk out one hundred times, but all those one hundred times, there’s no place you’d rather be. It’s talking about when ”our time comes”, and morbid yes, but hoping we go together, because we couldn’t stand the pain of living without the other one. So, he doesn’t need to tell me that his tidy whities are the cleanest he’s ever seen, because he knows I know. And when the garbage is full, I don’t ever have to ask him to take it out. And he’d never go anywhere without asking me first, nor would I. And the best is reaching out at night, and if he’s not in bed, it cuz he’s at the front window with a gun, because something woke him up and he’s protecting his family. And even though he’s hit 60, proud to say he still doesn’t need the blue pill, and all is well in that department. In fact, things get sexier the older you are. (Don’t gross out everyone) We all have good and bad days, and I’d take all of his bad days, than to be by myself for the fest of my life. Think about what someonenew and Strat wrote. Marriage is like being sober; no pain, no gain. Love to all. I’m still in Fresno, sorry rocking, cuz I would have LOVED To taken a walk with you. I think I’m coming Thrusday by myself til hubby gets there Frid night with daughter. I’ll let you know when I get there, and maybe we can hit a meeting, or do something. Would LOVE that. Would also love to hear about your fun at the fair. Everyone have a great time at the meetin tonight. And remember, if its’ your first one at SLOARC’S, GOOOOO! Great meeting, great people, great stories, great friends, and Steve’s pretty cool at the meetings. Like Rock would say, peace out. Like I say,, hugs and love to all. sorry to ramble. you guys really help me on sad days, and NO, i’m not bui….just loneyly…just thinking lots of my son…sentimental….okay, I’m out…drive safe tonight…
Thanks Strat
100% agree. Keeping my guy forever. We imagine a smaller house and foggy mornings and always an old gray dog. The children can come anytime, we’ll call for the ferry schedule.
THANK YOU ALL who attended the Sloarc group tonight! I enjoy the very loose format, and I hope you all feel comfortable as well…My apologies to some of the first time folks, for asking you to speak right off the bat…..I just get excited when new folks show up and I want to hear from you….Recovery is such a wild ride, and we need all the support we can get…I feel especially close to those of you that attend this group…
Keep it up!
Steve–out
Steve-thank you for putting together this wonderful group !! I instantly felt comfortable and, yes at last, these are all people that I can all relate to. If someone was walking down the street and glanced in the window, they would never guess what this group of seemingly unlike people had in common. Banker, rocker, surfer, college kid, preschool teacher,young mom, tattoo’s , tans , piercings, varicose veins. Different in every way, different drug of choice, yet one common enemy. I have so much to learn from those with longer sobriety, and now here is the perfect opportunity.
I have the highest respect for all of you. Thanks again.
Steve, I thank you also for being so committed to the SLOARC group. My only wish is that I lived closer. I was coming, or leaving this morning, and my husband woke me up to tell me goodbye, see me when he say me. But my daughter sang a different tune after he lest, and I shouldn’t let her lead me around the dancefloor like she does. At noon my hubby’s saying, you can still get there in plenty of time. THenshe puls the “Oh my God, this headache is so different, cry, cry, cry. YES, I know she’s pulling my leg, but I really wanted my son’s head checked better, but he was ‘fine’, just hungry, and the fear of loosing another child, my only one left. frightens me right back to the ”I’m back home Ali where I belong ‘ALI”, why did I leave you and all the wonderful pills.” I’d really be a failure then as a parent, to have had two children, and to loose them both. My heart beats faster than it should most of the time, I cry when I know I shouldn’t, I’m afraid I’ll die in surgery in a couple of weeks. I’m a mess, and I don’t know where this all came from. My husband is finally falling apart from the accident, and I don’t know what to do for him. My life is honestly falling apart right nowl
Love you all. Glad it was a great meeting, and Steve, I did have the best intentions of making it today. Thanks for making sure we have one to go to every 2 weeks. Gives us out of towners a better chance on making them.
Sorry to fall apart. Love and hugs to all. Hope everyone had a safe trip home after the meeting. love, dq j.
happy anniversary dq ! Hope you have a great day, and another landmark day of sobriety. (do they make virgin champagne ?)
I also wish you lived closer. You are such a dear heart, and would be a wonderful friend. But for now, know that all your friends here are thinking of you today.
I’m off to get ready for work, talk to ya later dq.
Dance
does anyone here on the blog have experience with,
or know of dr schecter in atascadero?
if so, any thoughts, good/bad/indifferent would be appreciated.
thx
Bupetser, the Vet is her hubby….Contact Doc or I through private email for more info…
Thanks again for all who attended last night’s Group…Hope to see Bupester at one of these!
Next Sloarc group Session: Tuesday, Aug. 18th, 5:30pm!
Steve–out
Bup. She was my Doc. for a short time when I first moved here and if I remember clearly she was holistic and thourogh in her approach. Not one to throw drugs at every problem and at the time I was not real happy about that. But talk to Steve and the Doc. for the real scoop.
Just touching bases… Not sure where to begin? Actually, this should be easy! Cause, this is my second time around. You see, I had this thing beat! You know the rest of the story. I still find myself driving around AA meetings.
Some of the relationship post hit home… can really relate. One thing for certain, the moment I add a substance to a healthy relationship, poison would be safer.
I do not want to ramble, so… Will keep this quick, enjoyed reading the post, thank you for your share!
In addition, the Tuesday meeting was beneficial, got more than expected.
Thank you Steve for facilitating, I will be at the next meeting.
Hi all. Today is my 30 day sober and it occured to me that I’m not sure why that is special except that I’m not required to call myself a new comer during meetings. I had an office visit by happenstance today and when leaving Steve presented me with a coupon. I thought it was a coupon, but Patty showed me that it was a lottery ticket. I thought it was because of my 30th day but it seems your just givin a lottery ticket sometimes. (Because they buy extra?) Are these used for people with gambling addictions? I was not sure how to turn in the ticket so Patty showed me how to scratch off the front. I remember these! I waited until later and with great anticipation revealed my lucky number…it was my actual bithday number! How could they have known? But alas, it was not meant to be. No other matches today. I did take a bit of time scratching off all the rest of the card and found many ways to invalidate a winning ticket so I’ll call it a good experiance and will consider myself a bit of a ‘player’ when I run across one in my future. Thank you Steve for the fine gift and Patty for teaching me the ropes. But I digress, any insight into the symbolic meaning behind 30 days anyone?
I am reading a memoir by David Carr, The Night of the Gun. I will leave it at the office my next visit. My ‘alcoholic’ is finding it as exciting as I find it disturbing.
My family is leaving for a road trip soon, no luxuries allowed, so I’ll be off the blog world for a bit.
Good dreams to all,
ms. new,
congrats on 30 days.
symbolism in aa?
you bet
1, 30, 60, 90……….30 yrs,
much less 1 hr at times
anything to hold onto besides a drink/pill/syringe….
again, good job
and thanks for sharing
Happy BD someonenew. One of the perks at Docs is sometimes you get a lotto ticket, or a lolipop, and the best is the good ole talking and great advice. And Patty and Rick and Kristie are the best up front. Dr. sure picks the people around him with care and thoughtfulness. Anyway someone- congratulations on your 30th day. Great job, and it is a job.
Interesting day, one moment… everything is under control, next… nothing makes sense. One day at a time? I think not! Moment by moment is more like it.
I made an AA meeting today, took everything I had to make it in the door, and survived. I am a relapse victim (not really a victim, except at my own hand). I picked up right where I left off, only worse (old story, yes… I know). It seems that getting back to sobriety, does not allow you the same benefits of picking up where I left off. Recovery is like starting all over; just the pitfall and warning signs are brighter.
I am a fan of opiates (ok, more like a devoted user. Previous user that is), the relapse started with one simple glass of wine.
I can tend to ramble, and this is nothing new. I am just taking advantage of this forum and doing the little things to make a difference.
The last time I had a good long term spree with sobriety was 16 years ago and I swear that after that nice policeman told me I could drive home in the back of his car and stay for 4 hours that was all it took. Got my taxi home, got my lawyer and decided that was way unplesant enough for me. Joined a nice gym, worked out 5 nights a week and only drank iced tea. I was 29 and all the body parts and brains were quick to rebound.
Quick math with my trusty solar calulater determines (nothing fancy here, math still makes me cry in my closet in the dark) that a minimum of 4,320 to 6,000 bottles of various flavors of wine have bathed my brain cells, liver and all other secret places between the two these past couple of decades.
Soccer mom I am and car plate says swim taxi but I can not leave the house without a penciled out list of stops to make, items to not forget at each stop. God save me if I make a mistake and turn left instead of right it can take blocks before I remember what I forgot!
If my brain were a puppy I found on the side of the road and brought home the humane society would have good cause relieve me of that poor neglected hound and rightly so. If my brain ever has a chance to hold 4 thoughts simultaneously for more than 4 seconds it shall take months / years of dedication to the vitamin, wheat grass, exercise, acupuncture and meditation gods and then a bit of good luck and my favorite dead grandfather rooting for good measure. Now he was a drinkin man! I digress again…
Welcome back Returned. If we ever meet I’ll try to save a wheat grass for you. Nasty things, like drinking a lawn but it makes you feel like your pouring something natural in and replacing some old used up funky motor oil.
I like people who ramble. Just try not to drive and ramble together. My Grandmother (still alive 99, didn’t drink) used to drive a white Rambler. I’ll buy a lottery scratcher ticket thing for the first person who says they drove a Rambler of any color. Ha!
Oh sobriety has left me with little to do in the evening after kissing all my guys goodnight so I torture you poor souls in blog land.
Enough, I banish myself from this kingdom and let its good folk have some sweet dreams…
I’ve tried grass before and I did inhale (making a funny). Wheat grass would be a new experience. My willingness to try something new has a proven track record.
Exercise and good nutrition is the only thing that I know of that will regenerate brain activity (I know this is not entirely accurate, but you get the idea).
Odd you mentioned old funky motor oil; sometimes I will take 2-3 steamming hot showers a day and still can’t feel clean. Perhaps it’s just a psyche thing of getting the crap out of my system.
I appreciate the welcome. Have a great day!
Also, I had a 1959 Rambler coupe… Two tone, turquoise and white. I purchased it to flip (fix up and sale). So, I don’t know if this qualifies?
Hi everyone: I finally got the high speed internet fixed in my house. The whole thing crapped out on me and I didn’t have the strength to fix it. I have been busy with the fair- my daughter is in FFA- and life in general. The nursing board has finally agreed to hear my reinstatement next month so keep your fingers crossed-it has been 3 years since I was able to work, seems like forever. More later
MK
MK-Hello and welcome home. Oh, FFA. Remember those days,and the worst were the chicken and roosters my daughter had to throw in for some reason. Our rooster was so MAD that he got kicked off of the School Farm. Funny really. So we brought both of them home, left the cow and lamb at the farm. The silly chicken laid one egg everyday except on Suday. Honest. She really read her Bible. Bless her heart, and the coyotes that figured how to get into her pen.
Hi Returned. Glad you did just that, returned. Look forward to getting to know you. I also like opitates, and also ramble. Made in heaven.
Our anniversary was great. Hubby closed down a small resturant that we go to, the owner sent over a bottle of champage, which I poured into my glass just to toast, smelled, didn’t drink, then had to drive Hubby home that night. It was a magical night, remembering why we got together, how hard we worked at times staying together, and the only thing he didn’t make come true in my life was a trip to Hawaii. I think I picked a winner. I know I did. He put up with my addictions for years. Not many partners would.
Thanks Dr. H for writing back. Nerves are on edge. MK, maybe we could talk since you were a recovery nurse, am I remembering right?
Speaking of remembering…I don’t anymore. I was never great, even way back when. My mom made sure I went to school with my pre school friends, I was 4, and always felt like I picked up all the information being taught the next year. So, is the not remembering well something I’ve had for life?, from the drugs?, or possibly not giving a shit about what some are saying? Help. Doc, Steve, what are your opinions?
Love the coast. In MB, and the fog is just floating by. WONDERFUL. Coming over here as much as possible before surgery.
Welcome back “returned!” Glad you decided to join us again….You are back on the right path.
Next Sloarc Group Session: Tuesday, Aug 18th, 5:30pm.
Steve–out
Returned, You said you were at SLO ARC Meeting Tuesday and so was I. We really didn’t introduce blog names so I am not placing the face. I am one that loves Steve’s get togethers (cookies) with the group just cuz it is not frikkin an AA meeting. Cross talk be damned, in fact I sometimes can’t help myself. Which you probably noticed, for some reason everyone knows who I am without the blog name intro.
Hey, We are all just there for each other, AND if ya talk or don’t want to talk who the hell cares. The fact that we dragged ourselves out of our comfort zone and we are there for whatever reason is so huge. Its all part of the journey of recovery. So… here is my bikers mentality, “Its all about the journey, not the destination.” However, our journey through recovery can suck, while the destination may never be fully reached. The destination is recovery, but, are we not always addicts, just one drink or pill away from a relapse into hell. Oh happy day. Lets sing Kumbiya and forget all that shit.
Anyway, I am getting ready for some surgery. My choice, for self improvement to make me feel better about me. Saved for a frikking year and thought about it that long so I say to hell with anyone that would criticize. BUT, Ive got Dr, Steve and my sponsor all over my ass about the presciption Vicoten being addictive for the pain. I have heard it will make me puck my guts out. The prescription antabiotic says it can cause halucinagations, depression, sucidal thoughts Yahoo, let the addiction begin, I can’t wait. Fuck, I would rather have Vodka as a prescription, but, pills are medically acceptable, right? Shit, give me a shot anyday. Resident alkie speakin here. So Im thinking bring on the pain and some sleeping pills. All Ive got is over the counter, but with some Ibepropen and sleep aid, I think I can get by. Pucking is not an option with stiches in the places Im gonna have them.
DramaQueen, missed ya. So glad your annivesary dinner was perfect. Glad you and your honey connected. Its hard living with anyone as an addict. We tend to be self centered. REALLY!?? Anyone ever notice that? I am finally calling myself what I am, an alcoholic and an addict. I have lots of problems, self esteem among them. Honestly, thats another trait I have found most of us addicts have. And using was normal to feel comfortable in group situations. Those of us that jobs that require us to be leaders, or in positions of authority, are excellent actors. Thats why I would break down at the end of the day and drink. God I was done. Thats my statement, done! Now let it all stop and oblivion start. Shit, I am having a break down right here for ya’all.
Haven’t started drinking, but Im just tired. Fair was fun. Motley Crue concert was the best. Surgery coming and Im scared shitless but telling no one but you my friends. Thats another thing, Friends, real or not?
Love everyone out there. Special shout out for my special girls gotcha back, JWS and DQ. AND RATDOG Where the hell are you crusty dude. BUP if ya dont show your face at a SLOARC meetin I wont believe you are real…. and i believe in magic
Hello one and all. I always find the blog interesting even though I don’t write very often.
As far as this marriage business goes, I have been married 15 years and it has been a long road. But she stood by me through all of the problems my addiction created.
I have been seeing doc and steve for eight months now, and outside of my current ack of employment life has never been better. But that weasel inside me still tries to get me using again. let’s face it, using drugs feels good. But abusing them ruins your life. And in my case I was spending a fortune on milk and cereal. I kept nodding off and spilling it on my couch! How messed up is that? Not to mention falling asleep standing up.
I almost put my head through a window on one of the last times I was overly medicated on methadone. But the worst part was counting the days until the next refill. It is amazing how long eighteen days can seem. Ha!
anyway, hang in there everyone. life is always better without drugs and alcohol. And your likelihood of being arrested will decrease exponentially with time.
Faimly and I in a town that goes my the name of Red Bluff. Redding was sold out so here we are and I broght my laptop after all. First night of our road trip and I’m still connected to my ‘Ali’ and the world. Wow things have changed.
Dear Returned, you are the winner! I will purchase that scratcher lotto ticket at the first 7/11 at Lake Shasta. A 1959 turqoise and white Rambler?
Yours must has been beautiful even if you flipped it quickly.
Sweet dreams for all from Red Bluff and for all M.D.s who do surgery.
hi anyone on here its really important i get ahold of Steve or the Dr. I am feel like i need to go to the hospital i need to get a hold of someone. DOES ANYONE HAVE STEVE’S CELL. WHAT ABOUT YOU ROCKINSTUFF
Not to worry folks…..I spoke with “Beautiful Disaster” last night….rough night, but things are better today..AND B.D. you did the right thing by reaching out, that’s what it’s all about….
Steve–out
Rockinstuff- good for you! I am excited to see the results. Ice, elevation, ibuprofin- if you need a narcotic for pain- you may need it- always have something in your stomach saltine crackers, toast, something starchy- will help with the nausea. Also don’t move around alot after taking the meds. Movement can exacerbate nausea. If you keep the swelling down the pain will be less. Good luck to you.
Drama Queen- I love the FFA it really is a great organization for teenagers. I was in 4-H raised sheep and cried my eyes out every year I sold one. I was sobbing at my daughters pig pen on the last day of the fair. I get as attached to the animals as she does- really embarrassed myself. If you want to talk to me ask steve for my home # I know your first name so call me if you want to. My first name is Mary
MK
Hey Rockin
I once heard someone discribe an Addict as an Ego Maniac with Low Self Esteem, made perfect sence to me.
By the way Steve and Doc. are very right on about the Vicodin at’s very habit forming and your addict would LOVE to have that instead of alcohol and with the trauma of surgery your mind will be screaming for it (had major back surgery a year ago) let your surgeon know your history and have him or her contact the Doc. and if it’s decided that the narcs are the way to go have your spouse control them and act as nurse so you don’t just decide that “that one more woudn’t hurt” . It was that one statement in my life that always got me trouble. Self medication is the addicts mission statement whether it’s alcohol or drugs.
Strat.
P.S. For what it’s worth I think you look just fine the way you are.
BD honey, we’re all thinking of you today and praying for the best. So glad you got in touch with Steve and doc when you did !!! You are going through so much right now, wish i could be by your side to help out.
Rockin—- good for you girl !! At our age anything that helps with the self esteem is worth every penny and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I myself get botox to smooth out the wrinkles, and it makes my confidence level much better. And i knew you at the mtg because you are just what i pictured. You exude FUN.
Drama Queen-glad you had a good anniversary. Did you read my post to you on that day.It’s funny that you talked about champagne.
Bup, strat, mk, someone,retuned, i’d like to get to know you all better.
please give me a holler sometime.
Retuned, is it retuned or returned? I’m confused.
Well its day #19. Doing pretty good-It’s awesome to not have my whole life revolving around that next pill. If it werent for sub, i’m pretty sure id be back on the merry go round by now. I’m going to my regular doc on tuesday, and i’m not sure if i want to come clean about my addiction problem or keep quiet. She isnt the dr that prescribed all the pain meds. what do you guys think.?
Well i hope you all have a wonderful sunday!!!!
Slodancing, Don’t know what you do at your regular doc appointments, if it’s not connected to addiction, there is no reason to inform them….BUT, if there is ANY reason they might be prescribing ANY drug that is abuseable, then you certainly need to let them know what’s up…There could also be drug interactions with Suboxone…
Glad things are going well for you….We all deserve a great life!
Steve–out
Just sharing a bit of experience (we all have them), my preferred substance is vicodin. A simple glass of wine initiated a full on relapse. Substance is a substance. AA says alcohol is powerful, baffling, and cunning (not sure, if I have the order of words correct), this applies to all substances.
Slodancing, I selected the name “Retuned” as in tune a piano, guitar, out or tune up your car. Why? No clue? A great screen name for me would have been “Nocluewhy”
thanks for the feedback retuned. i wondered about the effect of alcohol on a person with opiate addiction. my addict would just love to find another way of getting high. it’s a sneaky bastard alright ! and your alternate screen name is so true for 99% of us. whats that saying…the older i get the less i know? i should have “clueless” stamped on my forehead !!!
i’ve been writing on here more than usual as i’m trying to stay off my feet all weekend. been having lots of extreme foot and leg edema, and now am thinking its not just a side affect of sub. got my lab results back and found my cholestoral was sky high (can you say premium chocolate chip?)
who had time for being health conscious while being unconscious ???
DQ, i hope my champagne remark didn’t offend you. on your anniversary i was talking about if they made “virgin champagne”, and that may have come out the wrong way. I’m sorry if there was any misunderstanding.
have a great week everyone
Returned: I was addicted to vicodin and norco. I understand the living for the next pill comment. I found suboxone to be such a godsend- those horrible withdrawl symptoms= no energy, freezing in 80 degree weather, jumpy, can’t sleep- I tried a number of times to quit on my own. The longest I got was 11 days and I still felt like crap- it drove me insane- so back to the pharmacy- I bet you know the drill. Good for you taking charge of your life. I have been on suboxone now almost 3 years, I feel good and have NO cravings it is just part of my life ,it works so I see no need to stop taking it. Dr. Howalt and Steve are wonderful resources to have in your recovery. I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am without their help. Take care
MK
Slodancing- No offense to the champange remark. I found it to be funny and endearing.
Okay, second hardest blog I’ve ever written to you since I started seeing Dr.H. You all know that I lost my son in an accident to a drunk driver who didn’t see him stopped legally on the road in front of him.
In MB yesterday morn, drying my hair, when my phone rings. I never manage to get to it soon enough, and the message was to call my nefew-in-law. when i called, he had to inform me that my brother had passed away in his sleep that morning. i don’t remember much after that except feeling like i was loosing my mind again, and my husband putting me to bed while he packed up the house, garbage…we were on the road in about 20 minutes. My brother was older than myself. he was 59. sad, yes, i am. but theres’ a story to be told, and dont’ ever forget it when you think you can binge one more time.
my brother has been drinking since he was 15. it was easy in those days to sneak from the bar,weddings, and just like now, markets are all around that sell to minors. he was a farmer. in fact you might have bought cherries from in either in Cambria, Cyucus, MB. SLO, Atascadero, all the markets.before it became illeagle, he’d fill his ice chest up at 6 a.m. with beer and ice, put it in the back, and all day reach back, open the back window, and reach for his beer. easily, he was an alcoholic in his mid 20’s. he also had a friend who supplied him with cocaine every morning, but his ”friend” died 5 years ago. every beautiful chevy truck he bought would be dented in all over within a month of purchase, and it must have been someone who ran into him, because he doesn’t remember it running into anything. classic. he’d show up at any families home with knocked in heads, broken noses, and we’d have to go and find his truck, because he didn’t remember where it was. 3 years ago he pulled off the freeway, ran into someone, and this time, he hurt them. jail time. he called me everyday at 10, and i’d be here for him if i could. he was home for one more christmas. he was married for nearly 40 years. 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and one on the way next month. BECAUSE of all of his drinking, cocaine use, and jail time , his heart was hurt from all the year of abuse. He had surgery in Feb., a pace maker put in June because his heart was skipping, and he never felt good after that. They think from the position he was sleeping, curled up comfy on his side, hands under his cheeks, that he never felt it, and the pace maker just didn’t do it’s job.
DON”T EVER THINK THIS CAN”T HAPPEN TO US. This is a lesson to learn and to remember. I loved my brother, never could help him, and anytime I even think about trying it ONE MORE TIME, I’ll never forget the pain I’m feeling since the call yesterday. Don’t anyone of you make the same mistake either. I love you all…hugs
D…Q. nice talking with you tonight…Hope tomorrow is a better day…..
The blog is a safe place to let some emotions out. Wonderful to see some of you today at the office..Keep up the good work…
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug, 18th, 5:30pm
Steve–out
Thanks Steve for all the advice. I thought it would be a quiet night, but the school board meeting got cancelled since my husband and my sister are both on the board, due to respect for our family. All day I’ve been looking through family pictures (something I was supposed to have started on months ago after cleaning our parents home out) for pictures of my brother when we were much, much younger, and much more innocent. Then tonight, we were watching the talent show thats’ on, and my sister in law called and asked if I’d sing at the funeral Sat, and she was sorry, but they’d been ”fighting” over what should be sung. My niece reminded them that he always wanted me to sing ”Walk on through the Storm”, and I said I didn’t know if I could sing at one more family funeral. I’d let them know in the morning. Then, when God wants you to do something, and you aren’t sure you do, He kicks you in the butt. The last act on the show were the three children who sang to their mom while she was in a coma, and they sang what song?, yea, you know. So now Steve, my addict is really playing with me, asking me already, ”we’re gonna sing loaded, aren’t we? You aren’t getting through the week very well, so how can you do this without ”ali?”. I need all of your guys words, wisdom and help. I don’t honestly know if I can do this. You expect to loose your parents, I didn’t expect to loose my son, and siblings, well, it’s a toss up game, who goes first. There has been so much death in this family in the past couple of years, I don’t know why God thinks I’m so strong to handle it.
Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. I feel pretty bad sitting here in the valley, and not having much to say to encourage all of you through our addictions. My surgery for next week has been cancelled, because my husband and Dr. didn’t think it was a good idea. If anyone remembers, when I had my surgery to find the cause in Feb., my brother had been taken to the same hospital the night before with his heart attack, and they were doing surgery on him the night that I had surgery. I saw him before checking in, and he said, ”well, you’ll be coming out of recovery when they take me in. Look for me, and I’ll look for you.” I know in my heart that he’s with my parents, my son, the babies he never met because of miscarriages, and I KNOW in my heart he’s happy to have gone home to our Saviour, and he’ll never be tormented by drinking again, and making promises that he tried to keep, but never could.
Well, here I ramble, and no, I’m not bui. Just tired yet grateful of all the friends who have been over, who have called. I’m just tired, and now I need to practice this song. Maybe I can convince them to let me do it at visitation and at the Rosery. Or maybe record it. Don’t think that will work. I will ask my sister to back me up, as she has an amazing voice. Much more than I. Take care of everyone you guys. I miss you, and hopefully will be back to myself sooner than later. Love and hugs…j
Hey DQ. I’ll make a deal with ya. you go to the one on the 18th and I’ll go and then we can hook up. Deal??? Hopt so would really love to see ya. I need to start doing dome things way different and I bellieve that you were put in my path for more than to be just talking buddies. Okay?????? Let me know
I’m new to the whole blog thing, but I decided to just check it out and see what Steve and Dr. H were ALWAYS reminding me to do. It only took me a few months, but I finally remembered and went on here.
Drama Queen-
I’m really sorry to hear about your brother. I’ve never lost a family member just friends, I know it’s a really hard thing to deal with. I think it’s really great that you were asked to sing at the funeral. I’m grateful to be reminded that anyone can be taken out of this world, I have some strange idea that I’m invincible sometimes that makes me feel justified in my drug usage and drinking. “That will never happen to me” has been a big theme in my life. So it’s nice to remember that it CAN and WILL happen to me if I continue to throw away my sobriety like I have in the past.
So thanks
This week has been really hard for me. I’ve been craving constantly and it is really making me turn into a crazy lady. But I just keep going to meetings and not drinking in between. That’s all I can do. Sorry my post is so lame. hahaha
Good Morning…yeah, it is a bit TOO QUIET here the last couple days….
Hope everyone is just busy in a GOOD WAY!
NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug. 18th, 5:30pm….
Come join us…it’s VERY informal, I try to make it comfortable for all that attend…Of course sometimes ol’ Steve here blows it, and ask someone who is brand new to spill their guts…..Sorry about that once again….I get excited when new folks show up, and I’m also very glad that some of you have attended EVERY session so far…we need the stability for sure!
Have a great Friday everyone, and get to a 12-step meeting if you want to boost your clean time/sobriety to the next level!
Steve–out
ALCHY>WELCOME<WELCOME!!! WOW, I guess we finally “Hammered” you enough to join in! You have made a MIRACULOUS transformation in your life Alchy, and I am so glad you decided to come share a bit of that with us here….Changing from an active drinking, drugging, alcoholic/addict, to a clean and sober person, is nothing short of a full blown miracle in my book! I remember the times in my life when I couldn’t go ONE HOUR without altering my state of mind..To go a full day, was unthinkable….Now I look back and am coming up on 10 years of not doing that stuff, and it’s very clear to me that it was all ONE DAY AT A TIME…It’s also evident to me that getting clean and sober was by FAR the biggest life changing event that I will ever experience until my death….also the most POSITIVE ONE! Ha ha….
Steve–out
You know Steve, (God, there are so many Steve’s I’ve noticed this week), I can’t imagine you ”back in the day.”
I had gone shopping the other day to find something to wear (this funeral is gonna be a circus), needed gas, and as I pulled onto the street, for once I found a red light to be lucky. There was a person, doing their best to survive, pushing his cart, and looking around my car that hadn’t had any attention this week, I started grabbing pepsi cans, bottles, and even had one I had just bought to open. Ya all know how I love my diet pepsi. So I rolled down my window, and asked him if he’d help me out by taking these things off of my hands. He was so grateful to receive something to recycle, and yeah, I know what they do with the money, but I can’t stand to see people barely surviving. I just made me realize that could have been my brother if he didn’t have a family that kept pulling him from his own personal gutter, and how lucky he no longer is tormented by bars, liqour stores, and even going to SaveMart. I’ll miss and love him all my life, but, God had different plans. Like I used to tell my children, when you were born, and I was checking you out, there wasn’t anyplace on your body that had an expiration date, so live today as if it’s your last. I hope my son was doing that.
Okay, WELCOME Alchy! Of course your gonna feel not yourself for awhile, but like I tell everyone, if it’s unbearable CALL THE DR., 24/7. 365. They may have ideas to help you be more comfortable. I’ve made my numerous calls, that someday I expect to hear ,”we no longer accept your number.” haha only kidding. And thank you for your words of comfort. I wrote the first blog letting everyone know, not for sympathy, but to share with everyone that, you never know when that drink will kill you. I know for a fact that he’d been going to our parent’s house which he inherited at 2 and 3 in the morning, because my daughter in law lives right across on one of our ranches, and since my son’s been gone,she sleeps light to protect those babies. He was hiding his addiction; but everyone knew.
Well, better start getting ready, it’s been a very long week. And I’m not sure I’m up to singing at my brother’s funeral; I barely make it through people i’m not that close with. But I have back up, and that helps.
START WRITING. Like Steve, I’m getting worried about ya all. I even watched the news to see if the central coast had been wiped out. haha.
Coming to MB for me time on Monday, so I’ll see you at the meeting on Tues. Sign me up. Maybe I’ll make some homemade something. Need to get away from all the phones.
Did have a cute moment last night, about 10. I’d of course had fallen asleep on the couch, the phone rings which makes me jump now, and it was my oldest grandgirl calling to see if she could come over and show me the shoes I’d bought her. I’ve always bought the kids good shoes in the fall and spring. Their mom had called yesterday and asked if I wanted to go shopping with them, and I told her to take them, and I just write her a check. Well, I didn’t know Sketchers were so bling-y! And the 3 year old had gone on line and picked hers out before going, and let me tell you, you could stand her at an accident scene at night and tell her to dance, and those lights would light the world up, just like they do.
Sorry I went on so long, but since no one’s writing, what the heck. lol…I really hope and pray with all my heart that you are all just terribly busy, and like Steve said, doing good. My heart is always with you, even miles away…see some of you on Tuesday, with goodies…
Last time, Steve, could you get me MK’s phone number? She said it would be okay, and even though surgery was cancelled for next week, they called and are setting up a different date in about 8 weeks. They don’t want me to go under right now with all thats going through my head. But, I really need to talk to mary, (and how do you know my name?) to tell me what to expect. It’s making me nervous already, again. Thanks. If you have time, just leave it on the cell. I hate bothering everyone.
Thanks for all the welcoming words everyone.
I’m glad this wasn’t like some secret thing that I shouldn’t be intruding on.
Steve- Thank you. Change is really hard especially when you’re stuck in denial about your addiction. So, I suppose I’m just lucky to be out of denial and into finding a solution I can finally live with contently. Also, I might be coming addicted to this site so thanks a lot for giving me a new addiction. At least this one is healthier than my past ones. hahaha
Drama Queen- I’m always too embarrassed to call anyone when I really need it. I know it’s important to be able to pick up the phone but I’m just not in that stage I suppose. Good luck with your singing ! It’s hard to get up and perform but this is definitely a good thing to do to honor your brothers memory. I’m sure he’d be very very proud of you. It’s funny how people try to hide their addictions when it’s obvious, I was always like that. I would hide bottles and pills in my room, but I couldn’t hide I was always screwed up. So everyone eventually caught on.
Today is going pretty good.
I get to secretary my sponsor’s AA meeting because she’s in Hawaii. Hopefully I don’t mess it all up.
Hey Bupe, I thought they had to have a year clean and sober before we showed them the “secret handshake”….ha ha ha….Just kidding ALCHY, you are a member of AA/NA when you SAY you are! The only requirement is a DESIRE to stop drinking/drugging. Glad you are here…..D.Q. it would be wonderful to see you next Tuesday..hope everything works out for you..
Steve–out
Formerly SCD. Spent quite awhile reading the big book trying to get a better understanding of my situtation. Amazingly, people figured that out years ago and have a plan and solution. 417 is the page on acceptance and IS the key to progress for me. That and honesty. Taking antabuse and working my own program which didn’t include meetings really didn’t work out. Gee, what a surprise, when I have had lengthy periods of sobriety I was involved in AA and looked at it as just something I did..not something that was a hassle.
Had a great sober time in the midwest visiting family.. Grandma is 91 and sharp as a tack. Hummm…..she has never drank or smoked in her life… Unfortunately I set myself up for the flight home. Stopped taking antabuse..thought a couple drinks at the airport wouldn’t hurt.. and coudn’t stop until today.
Sorry for my sob session. Hope it helps someone else thinking one drink or one day off sobriety is not going to hurt. Sorry to hear about your brother DQ. My uncle went to Vietnam and came back an addict and slowly died of alcohol. Pancreatitis and other complications. 63 years old and died last year. I went to his grave with my parents last week.
Thanks bup and Steve. Needed the laugh about the handshake…I was personally told it’s a special line dance…
just got home from a long , long day of viewing and a long rosary. going to get a diet pepsi, and do it all over again tomorrow.
alchy, don’t worry about calling the office. they are the kindest people as you already know, and are always caring and encouraging when you call. reach out and touch someone…you’ll be surprised,
have to go over my words so I don’t mess up tomorrow…glad to see everyone back on the blog. still sending ya all hugs and love…
I have been reading your website and the letters from patients posted there. There are many good things to read about and I am glad because my child has become your patient.
I am not interested in any personal information or breaking any doctor/patient privilege but I do wonder about whether this particular drug allows an addict to ever get off of it successfully. I did not see a single letter that mentioned that. I believe all the letters were from people who were continuing to use the drug for months and years (over 3 years in at least once case), or from people who had stopped using the drug, relapsed into the opiates they had used previously and then were back using Suboxone.
I would just like to know if anyone actually is able to be weaned off of this drug or if IT becomes the drug of a lifetime.
Thanks for any information you can provide about your experience with Suboxone. I have been doing my own reading and it seems that the manufacturer of the drug is in no hurry to get people off it. My child does not have large financial resources.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Howalt Replies:
Thank you for your inquiry!
The bad news:
Statistics suggest that if an opiate addict is stable on “replacement therapy” which is what buprenorphine (Suboxone) is, and then carefully wean slowly down off the replacement medication with medical/physician assistance until they get off….
90% relapse!
It’s not the drugs’ fault really, it seems something has biochemically broken inside the addict and they do not feel reasonable off of external opiate replacement.
The good news:
Opiate addicts taking Suboxone do not even a little bit appear high or impaired, and addicts frequently say things like they feel “normal” when taking the medication.
In my opinion the whole “isn’t it just trading one drug for another” question doesn’t make sense. On one hand addicts are high, impaired, unmotivated, and engaged in unhealthy and illegal activities, while on the other hand they are taking a small does of a prescription medicine, they are not high or impaired, the feel reasonable and they are getting jobs and going to school, repairing relationships, and putting their life back together.
Yes it is unfortunate that the medication and treatment isn’t free, and that is a real issue, but from my viewpoint it is so clearly the lesser of two evils that if one CAN do Suboxone replacement, it’s a wonderful deal.
I invite you to ask your question on the blog, there is a link from the website, and you can get the opinion of others as well who have “been there” and are involved in recovery and taking Suboxone.
I’ll take all identifying info out of your question and post your question and answer on the blog so you can read what other patients think.
Dear Parent, It might sound like you could get on the short end of the stick of this conversation, but please don’t take it this way.
The people who write on the blog, are and were desperate to get off of their drug of choice. Not only were we loaded while the world that we didn’t remember circle by, but it was nearly impossible to 1-remember conversations from the day before, 2- we drove high, 3- went to many lenghts to get our DOC (drug of choice), 4-and often had little or no money that would have made a very nice egg nest for us now. Are we weak, unable to control ourselves? No. If you’ve been reading about drug/alcohol abuse, you will see that it’s an “Illness”, a disease, and how do you treat a disease? With medication. If your Dr. said you had diabetes, would you continue to eat high sugary foods, starchy foods, or would you control you diet? And if that didn’t work , your Dr. would put you on medication. I believe this is no difference. I can tell you where I was a week from last Tuesday, who I was with, what we did, what I said; and that is something I couldn’t have done while taking my opiates. And I DEARLY wanted off the opiates for years. I just wasn’t strong enough to endure the pain of the withdrawls, and the feelings after I had withdrawn.
It gives back you life. It gives you back yourself. It gives you back to family and friends.
I understand your delima, but if you don’t understand the way the disease controls the mind and body, then please don’t judge. Yes, we’re trading one thing for another. We’re trading a bad life for a good life.
Today I’m going to my brothers funeral, because for most of his life, he couldn’t control his addiction to alcohol unless he was in jail, and I’m sure he got ahold of alcohol there. Alcohol kills in many ways. It could be from an accident, from the person getting ill. My brother drank so much it affected his heart. And now he’s gone at an early age. I had talked to him about visiting Dr.H, and he was getting on board, but it was to late.
Good luck with finding your answers. I’m just glad that we have ways to decide to help ourselves, and drs like Dr. H who take time to help. Just be
HAPPY that your son will live a well and good life, off of drugs or alcohol. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Enjoy your clean son. He’s working hard to stay sober. It’s easier said than done, even with a pill, and as Dr.H says, if you go off the pill, unfortunately, relapse will probably soon follow. The way they come up with new drugs, this may be the “old way” in a few years, 10 years; who cares. I’m just glad it’s here now. It may not be free, and it may be a bit expensive, but buying drugs on the street are even more expensive, lead you to stealing or worse. But taking this drug MAKES you free. I’m free now. And I must start getting ready to go to my brothers funeral, who didn’t make it. Sad. Like I said; Please be happy for your son…
To parent of Child,
I’m an addict whos life has been forever changed by Suboxone wither my mind was prediposed to opiate addiction or if my drug use created my brains propensity to have to have an opiate infusion to feel “Normal” I guess is beside the point. Suboxone allows me to feel normal while I pursue a path of Recovery that will allow me to gain the tools to live in a sober world using adult tools so I do not resort to drug use. Ask your “child” what it’s like to feel normal and not have to contend with constant cravings. To me it’s a blessing. Will I ever be off this drug probably not at my age and drug history, remember Addiction is a disease and should be treated as such it’s not a matter of will power if it were I would have been clean years ago. Is Suboxone physicaly habit forming ? Yes ,but it allows me to rid myself of addictive behaviors that crippled my life over the years. Be thankful. your Child is he or she is at right now and let the future tale care of it’s self.
“417″ Please do, come back on here, and let us know how things are going with you…..Daily blogging for all of us would be beneficial to sobriety…
Hope everyone’s weekend is going well so far….I’m off to my “blue collar” job for a couple days..ha ha…
NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug, 18th, 5:30pm!
Please come…..
Steve–out
Well, not a lot to add to the subox discussion. Doing as well as can be expected. Doing a lot of big book reading and talking to people on the phone list. Something I have never done and need to change. Amazingly they seem happy to hear from me and very encouraging. Shouldn’t be surprised…they all have all been there before.
Just feel like a failure. Hard blow to the ego, but maybe that’s what’s required. My life until the last few years was nothing but upwards, MBA, international business, money and romance. Alcohol has taken most of that and left me stunned. Simple solution, stop drinking. Difficult in practice.
417- don’t be hard on yourself. i watch my little grandchild walk, and even though she’s pretty good at it, she stumbles, shrugs her shoulders, and gets up and starts again. same with addiction. it’s when we don’t want to get up and try anymore is when we’re in trouble. everyone falls. hopefully, we’ll all get back up. you aren’t a failure. and the things you lost in your life, well, they’ll come back when you’re better, and maybe everything you lost will be even greater. don’t say you’re a failure anymore. you are trying so hard, and that’s winner in my eyes. not a failure. hope you have a restful night tonight.
think i’m heading for bed. it’s been a long week, and even 2 longer days. my heart needs to start healing, and i know pills won’t help it. i know i need to help myself this time. talk to you all tomorrow…
(417- don’t you remember the saying that nothing in life comes free or easy except for screwing up and dying? stupid joke, but i’m not myself)
Thanks for the “addictive behavior” vs. “meetings” analogy Bupster. I still don’t have a clear fast easy obvious way to blow that comment out of the water. Yours is pretty good.
true statement doc h, very true. but bup does come up with the best.
getting ready to head to a meeting. crazy mess inside my head. it has been exactly one week, to the clock, that my life changed. again. oh, it’s not pity or sympathy i’m wanting; just confussion i’m feeling. i’m not the little sister anymore that adored her older brother. i’m a mom to 1/2 the children i birthed. don’t our lives change constanly daily, but maybe not to the extent that hits us so hard as if someone whacked us in the head with a hammer? but a handful of norcos sounded like a great treat last night to go with my diet pepsi. no, i didn’t. i’d rather feel the emptiness, and deal with it like a ”normal” person. i realized it had just been a long hard week, and went to sleep instead. so, with crazy thoughts in my head, i know i must go, no, RUN, to a meeting. getting to close to the cliff and thinking you won’t slip is a bad, bad thing to believe.
everyone have a great day. i’m looking forward to the weather there next week. be good…
Hi everyone-wow this week went by so fast. been reading good NA/AA books and going to meetings, trying different ones thruout the county. I feel like i’ve been woken up from a five year sleep. the personal growth that has been happening inside my head these past few weeks is nothing short of a miracle. it’s like the big guy upstairs bitch-slapped me upside the head and shouted WAKE UP !!!! my former “life” was lived in black and white tunnel vision. now i’m in glorious technicolor . and anything is possible. I had so many ah hah moments this week. Shy little me actually walked into meetings, and actually shared, and actually felt my heart opening up during all the sharing by others. now i understand the reason for meetings, and i understand how important they are for sobriety. tonight i’m going to a beach meeting-should be fun.
can’t wait to see y’all on tues-hope you’re gonna be there DQ. enjoy sunday everyone.
Hi slodancing. Planning on leaving tomorrow for good ole MB, but I’ve learned never to plan on anything anymore.
CONGRATS on seeing your life in color again. Remember when someone used to get a color TV (you are probably to young), and the family would rush to their house to watch the test pattern in ”VIVID, LIVING COLOR!” And how fancy were those tv’s, a huge piece of furniture. And yes, you had to get up and turn the volumn up and down, change channels, and now we complain when someone’s (Humm, wonder who?) diet pepsi spills on her lap, leaving the ”clicker” wet and sticky, and I’m calling DISH to get one rushed out here. SEVERAL times. I’m a little clutzy. Always have, so can’t blame that on my past. hahaha
So, for now, my plans are seeing the Doc on Tues afternoon, and making the meeting on Tuesday. I loved the first one so much, can’t wait to attend another. You all take care….
hi dq-as crazy as our lives can be, and sometimes they are really really crazy, i could not picture this blog without our dear dq on it. your comittment to this site is the glue that holds this thing together. i was trying and trying to picture who you remind me of- and finally it came to me–you are like prarie home companion. good ole garrison keiler and lake wobegone days. he knows how to turn everyday events into interesting pieces of news that everyone can relate to. so many times i find myself nodding my head or laughing over something you said. you should take your show on the road. or even better the virtual road-have you ever gone onto facebook or twitter? you would love it !!!
there are endless threads to join,games to play with other people, schoolmates to find, favorites of many choices-it truly opens up the entire world at our finger tips. i’m on it whenever possible, but i need to by a mouse for my laptop to play the “farm” game everyone is playing these days. yes, i do remember the old black and white tv’s and how exciting it was to get color finally.and i wish i was younger than you i’m 58, and somedays i feel 65, and other days 25. i’m not too old to come get you if ya dont show up on tues. hahahaha see ya!!
Oh my gosh, you aren’t older than me. we’re in the same ”range.” thats all.
i’m on facebook, and even saw doc and steve’s pics, but as for getting my picture on there, i don’t know how. i can turn the computer on and off, get to certain places, and print my pictures for crapbooking night.
i’m an old soul. think i’ve been here before. not to say that this time around i haven’t had my times drunk dancing on tables, and let me let you know, it needs to be a round table with 4 legs, or it’ll fall over. the old days of wine and norcos.
husband and i truly could split today. his back went out in the garden this morning, he came in the house to tell me and to take his pain pills, and i got up to help him bring things in the house. he had only two boxes of tomatoes;easy to carry. he kept yelling at me that he’d drive the truck 8 ft. around to get it, and i COULDN”t BELIEVE WHAT CAME OUT OF HIS FILTHY MOUTH. sometimes i know this man, and other times, i don’t. he was lucky I wasn’t packing…a gun, not a suitcase. hasn’t been the best of days. but they mayjust get worse. i’ll be there tuesday, dont’ worry. talk to ya later.
I’ve learned over my ‘older’ years, that I too learn more that when listening, that I keep my mouth closed, and most of important, stop thinking about what I want to say next. Was always one of my bad habits, which isn’t totally broken, but getting much better. Of course, I often forget to ask a question that was on my mind, but I can always ask later. Glad you had a good meeting today 417.
Didn’t make it to MB today like I thought. For some reasons, my damn emotions jumped on me hard this morning, and I actually crawled into bed about 2 p.m. and slept til my husband got home. I don’t sleep in the day unless I’m really sick, or way back in the day when I was pregnant. Go figure…hoping my son and brother are having a good long walk and talk…
Me can take no more.
Missed the meeting, but not on purpose. Went to MB, laid down for a mnute and soon it was almost 6 p,m. I think i needed the rest. My dad used to tell me, if you fall asleep, u needed it for the rest bank. Sorry I missed, but really had gret intentions. Love you all…hope the meeting was awesome, even if I wasn’t there! Love and hugs…
The rest of the truth is my heart was sad, and I didn’t want to bring that to these great crazy meetings. At least on the blog I can hide, and you can’t see the sadness. Would never want to do that to any of you.
Steve, THANK YOU for the great talk. Since I’m taking this medicine for the pain, and i’m not abusing it, I’m giving myself a sobriety datel Might not be legal, but, pooh, it makes me feel better. Thanks for letting me talk and take up most of your time.
D.Q. the SLOARC group is EXACTLY the right place to open up about sadness if that’s what needs to be done…Probably the safest place around, to do that…We missed you, and people asked about our D.Q….So glad you were able to get some sleep though…That’s very important…Next group will be Tues. Sept. 1st 5:30pm…..
A huge THANKS to those of you that attended last night…Very enjoyable on my part, and I hope you all took a little serenity home with you as well!
A special thanks to those who attended for the first time! Hope you found us interesting….I try not to push too many “contraversial buttons” with you, but sometimes I just CAN’T HELP MYSELF! Ha ha ha..
Have a great day everyone…
Steve–out
No, really. I try to stay happy, and you saw me sad, and I LOVE the SLOARC group, and just wanted it to stay positive. But thanks for all of your support yesterday. I left the office just wrung out, and was SO surprised that this week would be so hard.
Hope everyone is doing well, and I have the next meeting written down already.
Okay, I just don’t see Steve pushing people’s buttons, or up against the wall as they say, and being contraversial. I can’t even imagine you Steve, when you used. You look so normal! hahaha And I forgot to ask on the blog before this, even though I’m on the meds you guys have THANKFULLY put me on, can I have some kind of sobriety date? It kills me, because, yes it does bother me, terribly, because you hit it on the head yesterday, I feel like a ”fake.” But I’m not overdoing, Im just trying to stay out of pain, and now doing LOTS of research on this surgery. I don’t know how you saw that Steve, cuz it blew my mind, especially after I left the office. It’s life, “is this stamped on my forehead or something?” Talk to ya later.
This is the prayer my little 3 year old says before dinner. It’s on the show Wonder Pets on Noggin.
WONDER PETS, WONDER PETS
WE’RE ON OUR WAY
TO HELP YOU ALL, TO SAVE THE DAY,
WE’RE NOT TO BIG, AND WE’RE NOT TO TOUGH,
BUT WHEN WE GET TOGETHER, WE’VE GOT THE RIGHT STUFF!!!
YEA SLOARC WONDER PETS!!!!!!, AMEN.
she heard it on tv, and this is the prayer she says all the time. not only do i think its cute, of course, but it reminds me of dr h’s patients. ”when we get together, we’ve got the right stuff.
D.Q. You CERTAINLY can have a sobriety date! We talked last night about what sobriety really is….I tried to explain to folks that the most important part of sobriety is “INTENT”…..If you eat 40 tomatoes with the INTENT that they will get you high, you should probably change your sobriety date! (also, if that’s what you did, after they didn’t get you high, you would FOR SURE, go find something that DID!! HAha..) So back to your situation; you are using some pain meds to make your life bearable on a daily basis…As far as I can see, you ARE NOT abusing them, and only taking them as needed…Is that active addiction? Not in my book…When you get through the surgeries and whatever else needs to be done, THEN we will work on getting you back to what most folks would call a “drug free life”…..UNTIL THEN, you are fully vested member of our recovering community, and of the SLOARC family!! Have a great evening all…I’m off to the 5:30pm Alano Club meeting, if anyone would like to join me, come on over!!! Ha ha…
Steve–out
Thanks for the meeting last night Steve. Wow, a full house! Like the informal atmosphere for a change of pace.
I don’t consider myself a germaphobe but after tonight’s meeting I had to wonder how great an idea it is to end the meeting holding hands with two people, one who had been coughing into his hand the whole meeting. Didn’t really think about it before but with all the flu going around it seems pretty dumb. I guess I either skip it by going to the bathroom right before or carrying hand sanitizer in the car for immediate cleansing. Anybody think that’s actually more gemaphobe or common sense?
Hell, in the Japanese subways you see people wearing masks so as not to spread germs to others, here we seem to think I’m sick, I’m not changing my behavior, so good luck to you.
417- And when you go to Japanese, they give you those great WARM wash cloths. You aren’t germaphobic–you just don’t like getting sick. I’m the same way. Have baby wipes in my car and purse all the time. Of course, I have 2 small grandgirls.
Thank you Steve. Like we talked the other day, no, I’m not abusing what you guys are giving me, I don’t even crave them, and I’m still in pain, just a more bearable pain. Like, I can get up and go to the bathroom without crying. So, THANK YOU for letting me have a sobriety date. I’ve felt so fake being off of the subox, even though I’ve come to you guys for the help. So, what’s my date? You know how I cried when Doc took away my sobriety date in the beginning cuz I took ONE SIP of a wine margarita, and I honestly cried all the way home. I think I got two lolipops that day, and 4 lottery tickets, even though I didn’t get any on Tuesday. haha But the way things are going, I’m sure my luck would have been bad. You’ve made me feel like a part of the group again. Thanks.
417- i was so afraid to go to the SLOARC meetings, and when I went to my first , and unfortunataly last so far, but I loved the atmosphere and the love that flowed. Glad you went. You’re doing great.
I’m sorry I missed the SLOARC meeting on tuesday.
I had no way up there so I went to my normal AA meeting instead.
Hopefully, I can attend the next one.
I’m having a really hard time today.
I know I don’t want to go back to the hell I made for myself by using and drinking but the odds are stacked against me and it makes me really worried.
I got to look like an idiot crying at the bus stop today but I’d rather cry and feel all these ridiculous emotions than drink them down as I always have.
My eldest sister is coming around and starting to not hate me as much so I have a lot to be thankful for having a supportive family most of the time.
I hope everyone is having a better day than me.
hahaha
I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Getting sober is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and there are many days when I feel like throwing in the towel. When things seem like they are never going to get better, hold on no matter what. Tomorrow is a new day and a chance to start over. Your sister warming up to you is a gift of sobriety. If you continue to wait it out, there will be many more to come. Don’t ever give up. If you are ever feeling sad, use your AA phone list or call some of the group members at SLOARC. No matter how lame that sounds, I have saved myself a number of times by reaching out. The odds are stacked against all of us. Together, we can fight against those odds. Don’t ever forget that you NEVER have to do this alone.
There is a young people’s meeting, tonight @ Melody, Downtown SLO, on Garden ST, up the stairs next to Bel Frites. It starts @ 6:00 pm, and afterwards, we hang out @ Guiseppie’s. Would love to see some of you there!
Thanks for your post. I really needed someone to just give me some positive thinking because I get really pessimistic at times. I don’t want to go back out because all the gifts of sobriety I’m receiving is 100 times better than any drunk or high I had. Don’t get me wrong, some times when I was drinking or using were wonderful but I’m over that period of my life and ready to move on to something way better.
I need to always remember I’m not in this sobriety deal alone. Thank you all for being here for me.
alchy, my brother was an alcoholic for most of his wonderful life. i think it’s one of the HARDEST things to stop, but so well worth the benefits in the long run. i had a hard day today just thinking about him…i didn’t think i’d be mourning and grieving so much…i think it’s like Steve told me the other day…i still haven’t gotten over my son’s death yet, them, whamo. but you listen here. my brother tried, but not very hard to stop. because i adored my brother, and in my eyes, he could do anything he wanted to do. he just didn’t want to stop. he thought he could have his cake and eat it to. i might have been upset with him for a week when he was in an accident and hurt someone, but being an addict myself, i know the pitfalls we must face. so alchy, if you were my brother, i’d be proud if you cried, i’d be proud of you TRYING, and flip the people who don’t understand. i’m glad you say you have a supportive family, and let me tell you, my sister has been mad at my brother for years…so much that she didn’t cry when she found out he died, she didn’t cry at the funeral or cemetary, and honestly, i pity her. i support you alchy, and will stand by you everyday. you help me by not becoming a statistic like my brother, and i’ll pray for you everyday. your sister will come around, and until she does, don’t worry about it. sounds like she has some problems herself. God bless….
one more little thing i was thinking about after my appointment the other day. i told steve that what they have me on doesn’t make me feel high, or low, or cravings for it, and that’s all true. then it dawned on me, that i hadn’t felt the ”high” for years, i just didn’t want to get sick getting off of it. if i took 20 norcos before a party, i still didn’t get that ”good ole feeling.” don’t know why, knew i was tired of it. anyone else go through those feelings before stopping? Oh, and i get a sobriety date. I’m taking aug. 9th, the day the music died for my brother…
I know that drugs and alcohol stop working for a lot of people before they quit. Many people say…and I have to agree…that we are chasing that first drunk or that first high for the rest of our lives. Toward the end of my use, I still got high, but it took a lot more, and did not last very long. Many people I know say that it stopped working entirely. Many people only use, in the end, to maintain, or not get sick, just as you said. I know that I had to take an excessive amount to get high. Most of my days were about maintaining the ability to function. Drugs and alcohol become our life source, sad, but true. I am so grateful that we don’t have to live like that anymore. That goes for everyone here. You NEVER have to live that way again.
The “good ole feeling” stopped a long time ago. Very rarely did a few drinks with friends feel like a good time. Sitting alone with a bottle of vodka is not a good time. The only thing worse was the pain of withdrawl. But that only had to happen for a few days, continuing drinking was perpetual hell. “Free of bondage” is a wonderful thing.
Just wondering, cuz it went through my ears yesterday like a lighting bug! Wondered if it was just me, or others, and if it is others, as I’m hearing it is, why keep it up and not get help sooner?
417- haven’t met you yet, but thanks for responding.
JWS- Haven’t met you, but you know I love you to pieces.
and to alchy- we need to change that name, unless your attached to it and love it. It defines who you were; not who you are becoming just give it some thought. have a GREAT DAY TODAY. if you want to call and talk, the office has my permission to give my cell # to anyone, and you do remind me of my brother. God Bless you, and I pray He carries you today, so you may build up your strength. I’m breaking here, and letting you know my name is jane. just plain jane. I think you are going to have an awesome day. you’re just in the beginning, an the beginning can be great, or it sucks. Here’s to a great day. For everyone. A little quiet agaih on the blog. look at our numbers, and we are almost finished with Aug. Must be back to school, gettig kids back to school. i bet we have lots to say in sept.
mk- is it still okay to get your number? thanks
rocking- are you rocking, or having your surgery? kisses to you and stay well.
where is ratdog?
Let me just be very polite. WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE????? oH, WAS THAT TO BLUNT? MY BAD….BUT I CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU…
Sorry, i’ve lost so much in sucha short time, i really, honestly, truly, promise you, that I could loose any more at this time. it would be my breaking point. just loosing sleep is getting to be to much..night
Alchy- wanted to make sure you have an awesome day today.
417=thanks for answering my question, because when it came to my mind yesterday, it thought, “Ah ha!” This is one way to KNOW when you really want to quit. It’s like going to the opera, enjoying it, and one day, you don’t, but don’t know how to get out of it. (I do enjoy the opera however). I just remembered yesterday how many pills I took because I did’nt want to be ill. I wasn’t as funny anymore, i didn’t laugh and enjoy myself anymore, i was depressed,and thought the MORE i took, i’d go back to my happy self again. didn’t work. sad that i still took norcos for years cuz i didn’t know about Dr. H, I’d only met no personality Dr. G who gave me darvocets for 10 days and I’d be detoxed, and never in my life did I feel crappier. He got me down to 1/2 a darvocet on the last day. WOW. that did loads of good. And I was worse to my family trying to stay sober from this dr. than I did when i took the pills. i remember on a follow up and i told him i didn’t feel well, and he said, ”drink some alcohol. i hear it works.” well yeah, i found out years later that we was recovering dr who took opiates and drank. good intentions, but telling me to drink? Iwas just out of sorts. finally found a new dr., got back on my pills, and didn”t look back for a few years. sad. just so sad. not for us. we do it to ourselves. sad that there are dr’s out there that don’t know what the hell they are talking about. so, a shout out to DR.H who cares, you look in his eyes and you know he knows, he puts up with our nonsense, he knows when we’ve been good or bad for goodness sake, and has cool candy and lotto tickets (even though I didn’t get mine last time), and to Steve and Rick who know what’s going on. God bless ya all. August 21st should be Dr.H and staff day. SOOO, Happy Dr. H and staff day, even though my mom died on Aug 21 in 95. But, time heals, i’m good with it.
Okay. I need to go pack. I came home early from the coast, because my heart and soul hurt, and hubby said, drive home, and I’ll drive you on friday. love to all with hugs……
HAPPY DR H AND STAFF DAY!!!. Our pill bottle caps are off to you…and may they remain that way…
Sometimes quiet days are good, sometimes not. Quiet for me. Got a lot of work done and went for a noon meeting and afternoon bike ride. Making a healthy dinner, drinking a diet pepsi (unadulterated), and preparing for an early night. Should have rented a movie. Big decision, early meeting tomorrow or beach meeting at night. I caught the end of the weather report where it said we might have rain tomorrow or was I delusional?
i feel like i’m floating above everyone, making everyone unhappy and causing throuble,and wondering, why am i floating around if i don’t help anyone. i feel life saying ‘fuck it all’ except i’m trying not to cuss anymore. what a joke. what can i do to help anyone, good or bad? i just exist… aw, ignore me. … i’m mind is just all messed up….like me. the good ole question ‘why did you put me here god…all i do is mess up.”
no pity, just curious…..
Drama Queen-
Thank you for wishing me good days. I wish I got on the blog and saw them earlier. I hope you are having great days as well. As for my name, I am an alcoholic and I don’t think it’s a bad thing as long as I’m in recovery. Alcoholics and addicts can be such creative amazing people when they aren’t using and actually use their talents. I don’t know, maybe I’m just used to having to say my name then “and I’m an alcoholic” in AA meetings or something so it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I’m so sorry about your brother still, I’m happy you have not used over it though. That is by far a huge accomplishment you should be proud of. I don’t know if I could be as strong as you. I’m going to try my best to not become another statistic and you should too
Today was unfortunately a really bad day. No matter what I did I couldn’t get the craving to drink or use away. I went to three meetings and they didn’t seem to help. I’m actually very surprised I haven’t messed up my sobriety today. Maybe it’s the weather, but I’m particularly down today. I wish I could call my sponsor but she’s in Hawaii and has no phone reception. So I decided to blog it away instead of using/drinking it away.
Alchy, GREAT MOVE on your part to get on the blog!! I STILL have cravings sometimes too; I just don’t ACT on them, and they DO go away…Don’t forget HALT….Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired……ESPECIALLY with alcohol, EATING can kill a craving quickly! SO GLAD you are being proactive in your sobriety….Keep up the good work…..Have you tried calling your sponsor?? I had great cell reception last Summer when I was in Hawaii…….Check it out…It could be your “Alcoholic” that says, you can’t get ahold of her…..but if not, I have a list of several women you can call who would love to help you while your sponsor is away….You know the number!! HA ha….541-0632
Have a great Sunday everyone…
Steve–out
Morning All,
Yes Alchy, the stigma of Alchholism and Addiction, we have a consumer society the demands that we ingest every conceivable substance known to man and then when we find out that we are not equiped with an off switch we are somehow considered damaged goods because we cannot ingest like “normal” people. Don’t get me wrong I take full responsiblity for my actions in this dance but it seems to me that society as a whole does not question why we have consumer goods like Alchohol. That if you truly consider it’s merit’s it realy doesn’t have any, but it remains a staple of our civilization just because it’s been around so long.
O.K. so much for that tirade I got on that kick the other day at a book study meeting while reading chapter 3 where the subject of Alchoholics attempting to drink like normal people is discussed. In my case thats a false argumment because I never in my wildest dreams ever attempted to drink like a normal person.I drank to get drunk period and I used to high period. My Addict told me stories to make it seem other wise but thats the bottom line.
Strat.
PS Alchy you can call me Steve’s got my Number (Boy does he L.O.L.)
I had a craving the other day to use, and it was hard to handle. BUT it eventually passed. You are taking all of the right steps by going to meetings and talking about it on the blog. Try praying about it and make sure you pay attention to HALT. (hokey as it sounds, it works!) Like I hear so many say, one day there will be a moment when there is nothing between you and a drink or a drug, except your belief in a higher power. That is why it’s so important to have one…and in the meantime…you can fill up your toolbox as much as possible. When it comes down to it remember this : Don’t drink or use NO MATTER WHAT! Some people like to add the word “FUCKING” in between “MATTER” and “WHAT” for emphasis, but either one will do. Stay strong, and remember that you never have to do this alone.
JWS, you r just so darn cute. y not say, no ”flipping” matter what? lol
alchy, sorry you are having some bad days. i think of it as missing our good ole best friend. and they went out of town, or out with someone else, lost their phone, and we miss them. but trust me, THEY AREN’T THINKING ABOUT YOU, OR ME, OR ANYONE ELSE. selfish bastard (can I say that?) this has been a hard time, missing my son, my brother and my NORCO’S!!!!! so, i just accept the depression, and know it’ll go away. can’t stay around forever. so, just ride it out. go to the beach and sit on the sand. watch the powerful water, and imagine that you are becoming that powerful water, and no one will mess with you anymore. then you’ll met GOOD friends, kind friends, caring friends. one’s who say, ”how are U alchy, can I help U get through today? unselfish friends. have a good day. anything I can do for you today to make you feel better?
hugs to all. still floating, still depressed.
Hi all, In my experience I’ve noticed that the cravings themselves are physicaly very short lived it’s the obsesive thinking about the cravings that got me in trouble. They stayed long after the physical sensations went away, I found that getting into a place where you can interact with others and get outside yourself helped alot or simply sitting down and making a quick list of gratitudes. It realy is the simple things that help the most.
I think the physical cravings are different for alcoholics. After a few (4-6) days of detox my body is not craving alcohol. At least it seems that way to me. I understand it is different for other drugs. No, for me it is the obsession, romancing that drink and thinking, maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. I’ll only drink tonight, I’ll only have a couple, and on and on. Like you said Stratman, that is the time to stop the thought from continuing, get outside myself. My old sponsor always told me to think the drink through to the “honest finish”. First, it will not ever be as fun as it used to be, second, it will inevitably lead to a hangover, which will lead to more booze, which will lead to a horrible next few days. And that’s the absolute best outcome; it may, and odds are it will be, much worse. Good time to tell my addict, “nice try, but not today”.
417 like saying you’ll start your diet tomorrow? i will admit, that is one lucky thing, if an addict can be lucky, is the subox takes the cravings away, and by the time you’ve gone and made your first appointment, you have already made up your mind that you don’t want this life anymore, and we’re ”lucky” that that we get to take a subox, no cravings, no holding onto the golden porcelin throne, you just start living again. oh, not all that easy, don’t get me wrong, and if you don’t keep seeing doc and going to meetings, you’ll be in trouble pretty fast. but much easier to get back to your life. just my opinion…hope you have a good week 417, and if you get down… call, call and call someone, or blog, blog blog til something makes sense. oh, and meetings to help. you’re gonna make it…tell your addict to piss off…give you a week off…or give you back your life….its yours, and you own it…
OK everyone….here we go into another week! LOTS of great blogging lately…I love it when we are able to help each other out on here! Keep up the good work! NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues. Sept. 1, 5:30pm..Did everyone MAKE THE CALL from the phone list like we talked about?????? Don’t force me to cancel recess for our next class….ha ha ha…just kiddin’ of course….That group belongs to YOU GUYS! Very enjoyable.
Steve—out
Thanks everyone for the support.
I’m feeling a bit better.
Steve- I did try calling my sponsor and I never got through, but fear not she’s back and we’re meeting up tomorrow to do some more step work.
You will probably get a call from me eventually when I can’t reach her. I just kept calling other people from my AA group.
Hi alchy. How sweet you are to be concerned about others when you’re having a hard time. Take time for yourself, we’ll always be here ready to listen and talk back. Glad your sponsor is back. See, things are looking better already. Take care, and let us know how you are doing tomorrow. God bless you…
help, having bad anxiety today, meds barely helping , im calling doc.
just got some good advice from steve.. thanks i’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Not sure what has come over me, but I just cant get my mind to stop worrying. I’m goin in circles, waiting for something to happen , or not to happen. weird. been making regular meetings, and sort of looking for a new sponsor. I need to find someone with smilar experiences. Cant sleep
the bed has become an enemy latley, just looking at it makes me upset.
Fighting the urge to start making “the calls”. find out who has what and how much?.. but for now ill stick to the plan and try to hang on till tomorrow…see doc and steve, and listen to what they suggest.
scruff,
i had similar issues - downed them with benzos.
opiates, booze & benzos….fuck, the memories.
once i got off norcos & booze, i couldn’t sleep without my valium.
anxiety, sleeplessness…..
all trumped w/ more and more pills.
listen to doc & steve - they do have a solution.
mine was vistaril.
helped, helped a lot.
i was sleeping well and taming the anxiety (enough) w/ it.
i don’t know your situation, but if your going down that road……
just a suggestion.
scruff- hang in their baby! you did the right thing calling the doc and steve. bug them all night if you need to, BUT DO NOT CALL YOUR “”OLD FRIENDS”". understand the feeling of wanting to feel normal again, but promise, the best is yet to come. you won’t regret it.
PERFECT! Thanks bloggers for helping our friend “Scruffy” out! This is EXACTLY the kind of support WE ALL (including me!) need….Scruffy, I am SO PROUD of you for taking some POSITIVE actions yesterday….USING the tools we keep talking about is the ONLY WAY they work….and thanks for agreeing to come in and see Doc and I today!
Stay on the road to recovery everyone, even though it has hair-pin turns, and rough spots at times, the end result is worth it…For myself, everytime I went back to my drug of choice when I didn’t “Feel right”, I would wake up the next day, and guess what??? Yup, the problem I used over was STILL THERE, PLUS I had to deal with all the fallout from using again….It becomes the “snowball” effect…bigger and bigger, and bigger, until one day it got to the point where I COULDN’T drink and use enough to make the guilt and shame go away…I knew I was pretty much screwed at that point, but if forced me to make a decision…I decided to try sobriety and so far it has worked one day at a time for 3,515 days….I figure if I do SOMETHING for my sobriety today, I have a good chance of adding another morning where I don’t have to wake up in terror, and try to piece together the events of the previous day…MANY times I would “come to” in the morning, and the first thing I would do (after a few pills, and a nice dose of vodka) is go out and look at my car to see if there was any damage or blood on it…..More than once, my fears came true, and I still to this day, do not know what I ran into, or who…….Living amends is the only way I have to deal with that….Life is so good today….As you ALL know, staying drunk and/or loaded is a FULL TIME JOB!!! It takes a tremendous amount energy to keep yourself in a “comfortably numb” (Thanks Pink Floyd) state…..
Luv ya all,
Steve—out
Hope today is a better day Scruffy. I know those days and when I made it to the next one it was nearly always better. When I didn’t, and decided to drink, the next day was always worse. All the anxiety, fears, and now add guilt and a hangover to the mix. You’re doing the right thing in reaching out, something I still struggle with. You’ve helped me by showing me that’s what I need to do when I get in the same situation.
Scruffy - I’ve had plenty of those days where you just want to say “screw it” and go back to old habits. But it won’t help, you’ll feel worse and have to start living sober all over again. It’s just not worth it. I’m proud of you for getting it through it the right way. That is a huge accomplishment you should be proud of. As for sleeping issues I’m in the same boat, I’ve been looking for a sleeping aide that I can’t get addicted to that works for me. It’s a slow process but Doc set me up with another great doctor who is taking the time to find the right prescription for me. Maybe the sleeping issue will go away for you but if not Doc can find something to help you out.
Today is was better than the past few days I’ve been having.
I am going to be a sharing secretary for a young people’s meeting in Arroyo Grande with my best friend. It’s just what I needed actually. So I’m happy about that.
Thank you everyone for listening to me whine and complain the past few days, but thank you even more for helping me through it all.
I hope everyone is having a great day.
Hello you all. Never bloged before and im looking forward to talking about my recovery.I have been on Soboxone now for 4 months. Yes, the quality of living my life has gotten so much better. For the last 9 years my body has been dependent on pain meds. They worked at first.Then after a year or so not as well. So im sure you know what happened next. I increased the dose. I ended up on methadone with a norco back. It took me a good 3 years to make up my mind to quit taking narks.I had to decide between living with pain, or staying on meds. It was really had for me caz I have back issues. But, glory be to God,I made the right choice. I noticed a week or so after I started the Soboxone, that at least 75% of my pain was gone. That was only the beginning. I almost feel human. I’m very thankful for Soboxone. Thanks for taking me in Dr. Holwalt, and Steve. I know you’ll help me.
alchy-I’ve told you we don’t consideriate whining an complaning. it’s cleansing. if we all felt that way, no one would blog.
i trust Doc with my life. so, any problems, call him. period. this is what he does. he’s a good man, with a good staff. CALL, CALL, CALL. they won’t let you down.
have had the flu for 3 days, and it’s the ‘’shits”. hate the flu.
Drama Queen - Thanks for the advice. I should start calling them if I’m struggling. I know they’d help me out just like how everyone on here does. I woke up sick this morning, I hope I don’t have the flu too. I hope you feel better soon.
Green Eyed Lady - Welcome to the blog It has helped me out immensely being able to write about my problems and have people respond with good advice and encouragement. I’m glad you are feeling better with the Soboxone.
Hello, Green Eyed Lady
I too had back pain issues and even after surgery I had self generated pain so my Addict could continue to use. Today with the Docs help A/A,Yoga I’m almost pain free in my back and between my ears. So welcome and keep coming back.
Strat.
GEL(Green eyed Lady) WELCOME!!!!! Great to have you here…..Like has been said above, I too use the blog on a regular basis…Another good tool for sobriety…..
Have a good evening all..I’m off to an AA meeting for myself….
HOT TODAY HERE IN SLO!!!
Steve–out
2nd time out of bed, an alchy, I HOPE YOU DON”T HAVE THE FLU EITHER.
My husband is making homemade icecream, and my stomach is already rejecting it . He’s just trying, bless his.
welcom GEL. Glad you hoped on board, and that you enjoy the ride. Only people going through it understand what you are going to. again, welcome.
hi everyone- i just totally deleted my whole post, so i’ll try to remember.
hi to green eyed-i could relate to your story with the pain and all, and have found that suboxone has taken care of most of my pain. i used to take all my morning pain meds, crawl to the hottest shower ever, take more ultram, robaxin, norco, lyrica, and i still hurt. like wise stratman said, “self-generated pain so the addict could still use.” that strat, and bupester come up with some intelligent, honest shit.
and if you want honesty, come to a meeting at the office on tues. we are a group of people that really really know what miracles have happened while under doc and steve’s care. any question you may have, someone there has been through it, believe me. hope to see you.
and drama queen, please please come–i want to meet you very much !!!
and believe it-it was very hot here today. 102 in slo. had to stick my head in the freezer ( no a/c at work)
hope that scruffy, alchy, 417, rockinstuff, and everyone in our bloggin family, has a great friday.
you guys don’t even know how much you help :}
I have a question about the Suboxone..bare with me I am not the one who has a drug problem, well yes, guess I can say I do I suffer as much as my better 1/2 anyhow..just checking into this program which seems to be working great for many of you..way to go. My question is..okay..if I read right..the suboxone basically blocks the “pain” for/from the withdrawns,helps stops the craving. What if you are say in a bad car accident and need pain medicide. Or if the person needs to have surgery who is on any of these types of “withdraw” helpers. Please excuse me if I am not wording this right and I hope someone knows what I mean. I know the program my better 1/2 is on now. (personally I think the place sucks) but when he’s had to have any kind of “s urgery which thank god it was minor, just a few teeth pulled and some shots in his neck for both normally they would give a person some sort of local for the pain but he went without because we didn’t want to worry about the drugs not mixing will with well..whatever..anyhow..sorry to ramble..can anyone help me understand a little more about this Suboxone and the other drug that this place uses to help you all.
I also want to say..I may not know how an addict feels..but believe me..I’ve been living with one for gosh 25 years and I know..not matter what some say and I hate to put it like this..you all are wonderful people and it just sucks that there isn’t something out there to just make it all go away. I hate that the “normal” people just think people who are addicts do it for the fun of it..sure..might of started out like that..but you sure didn’t mean pick to have this disease. Good luck to you all..you all are always in my thoughts and prayers..yep..evenif I don’t know ya! sorry again..for the rambling! and for any typo’s
August 1st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Hey JWS I think I fixed your post right?
Steve is away and will be back next week.
SLOARC GROUP is HAPPENING August 4th, 5:30 PM at the office. Remember, grumpy old doc doesn’t attend these so they are fun, just cool dude Steve!
Dr H
August 1st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Docs grumpy? I must be also, cuz I never noticed. But you are right Steve: u r pretty cool….
Aug. already. We will be married 32 years on Wednesday, and just telling someone from the blog, that this doesn’t make me happy. Maybe a little sad. Could this be some stages of grief? Would love some suggestions before I ask for a divorce on Wed when he takes me to HIS favorite resturant. He’s a great guy. We just aren’t ”jellin” right now. He even yelled at me in the middle of the store , which I don’t think I deserved cuz i couldn’t hear what he said, asked, what? and the whole store heard how Idon’t listen to him anymore. Or could it be that I’m an addict, and he’s pretty darn near perfect?
Sorry. Just looking for help with answers. Love to you all. hugs, and again, thanks for sending us some coastal sea air. Appreciate it. Oh, went to a meeting this morning. Been staying away, and Thought, “That must be part of your problem.” Again, love to all…j
August 1st, 2009 at 9:53 pm
And if you have not attended one of Steves’ meetings, they are relaxed, fun, relaxed, easy to get to know people’s stories, relaxed….did I say relaxed? I went to my first one 2 weeks ago. Worth the drive, which I MAY make on Tuesday. Ya gotta try at least one….
August 1st, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hi DQ, after 32 years, you should be giving US marital advice !!!!
I’ve only made it for 6 years (TWICE !!!)
If he’s just now startin to get on your nerves in the grocery store, count yourself lucky !!!! HaHa !!!
I’m only ribbin ya, but perhaps you may have a slight degree of wariness
concerning a year landmark, hence the thoughts of divorce at that time.
Just somethin to think about.
I went to my first 12 step meeting this afternoon—and yes I DID drive around it several times scoping out the terrain. I entered that big front door on tiptoes, ready to scurry back to the car at the first sign of…….
WHAT? Big hairy men with no teeth?
Cougars in scarlet spandex leggings,orange lipstick, and 6 inch stilettos?
Imagine my surprise when I find 8 regular decent people looking for a better life for themselves and the folks they’ve wronged.
I declined the coffee and donuts, as I was already full on humble pie.
So now I’m warmed up for Tues !!!
Slodancing is a double entendre~~ Live in slo county, and dancing……..
well I hope someday to dance without being stoned or wasted.
My mom taught me good manners and. .It’s just not ladylike when your tube top shimmys down to your tummy- unkown to you at the time. And it’s very bad form to throw up on the dance floor, or to forget who you were dancing with and to stagger off to the loo —-see, I have issues about dance.
Well I hope I made ya laugh a little, and that tomorrow will bring new insights for us all. Keep dancing
for us both
August 2nd, 2009 at 7:16 am
SLODancing Looking so forward to meeting you Tuesday at group. Had to laugh about your whole post. So everything me go through. First the meetings, God, I stood outside the door at the SLO meeting on Los Osos street, crying and trembling, to scared to go in. Rounded the corner as the meeting started and sat in the first seat. I admit, I did have Steve there saving it for me. Otherwise would never have made it through the door. I was so exhasted after the meeting I just left, no speaking to anyone. That is way past me now. I enjoy going and actually am looking forward to getting back into it with the fair drawing to a close.
DANCING, OMG did you really wear those tube tops too!!!! That is so funny. AND now they are back in style. Just commented the other day how those damn things never stay up, dancing or not. Must have been designed by a man. HA Let talk about that one.
DQ Please Please make the meeting Tuesday. Lets have a long talk before Wednesday. Maybe a stroll around the block after Mr Steveo’s cool meeting. Should be in a great mood after sharing and cookies. K???? Love ya, and believe it or not, this alkie has a little of lifes shitty, crappy experiences in my baggage I drag though life that might be of some help to someone someday. At least I hope thats why I keep them hanging around. Otherwise, ya never know, maybe you could help me empty some garbage. That would be great and I would be forever in your debt. So plan on seeing ya Tuesday DQ. Looking forward to it and also meeting up with you SLODancing.
AND YOU TOO JWS SWEETIE!!! Be there or be (fill in the blank)!!!!
Love to all. Rock on
August 2nd, 2009 at 9:46 am
Congrats D.Q.,
The Wife and I celebrated 31 yrs. in June and I think if I ever raised my voice to my wife in a public venue I’d be pick’in up personel parts off the floor. I’ve been well trained over the years ( If Moma aint happy aint nobody happy) a rule of thumb I live by. If my behavouir brings out the best in my Wife I’m succeding. I guess that would apply to all those around me to.
Strat.
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:32 am
Yeah Strat, he was real sorry when we got to the car, specially when I wouldn’t give him the checkbook, and he had to use his hidden money. You have to know where to hurt them. Poor guy. He’s still apologizing this morning. Wonder if that’s cuz I slept on the couch last night? Haha Congrats on your 31 years. I was actually engaged, invites in the mail, when I walked into the “Picnic Basket” for a quick lunch before getting back to my job at the Dr’s office (yea, another laugh there.) I went, “what the hell am I doing marrying what’s his name?” He looked at me in the same way, he was in the middle of getting a divorce. 8 months later from the first look, I walked down the aisle to a man who really has treated me pretty decently. My only complaint is, he puts work ahead of me, but should I really complain about that? I know he’s missing our son like crazy also, and some of the anger is starting to come out. He stayed so calm in the beginning to help keep me together, and I realize that I need to do the same for him now. He only cried when we pulled the plug, and at the funeral. Everyday since then he’s been a rock, so like I said, what do I have to complain about. Selfish me… One funny thing is our marriage certificate application and his divorce finaliaztion papers came out in the paper on the same day, 3 days before our marriage. My mom was SO embaressed, but other than that, we just laughed. Sometimes our age difference gets in the way, but that’s okay to. Feels like he raised me, and did a decent job. Other than the drugs, but that was ALL ME.
slodancing, great posts. Can you imagine the money we’d make on the clothes that are coming back in style? I look at stuff in the store and think, “I had that outfit in 73. I’m sure it’s the same.” Of couse, the heels I used to wear all the time are no longer possible. haha, funny how things change, yet stay the same. Slo, I was at a wedding, reception outside, and that champange fountain was just so cute, and so convienent. I slightly remember throwing up in the flowerbed, or was it the pool, a drunk Dr. came over and said, “yep, she’s had to much to drink”, my husband picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, I grabbed a bridesmaid’s hat and covered my face, cuz I didn’t want anyone to know who that was being carried out. Gee, I wonder if it worked? Early days. The start of things to come.
And yes, I get nervous around christmas, bds, anniversarys, anything like that. You are probably right.
Well, we’re off to Costco to spend to much money. Talk to you later.
Rockin, I’ll sure try to get there on Tuesday. Love, j
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:39 am
You’re a good man Charlie Brown
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:55 am
Hi all…great blogs lately here! I’ve been staying out in Los Osos with my ex wife, helping her get through some health issues…yup, we have stayed best of friends even though we have not lived together for 15 years..ha ha…just another thing I feel very grateful for…
Sure hope to see many of you at our next group session: Tues, Aug. 4th, 5:30pm…..and I will TRY to have cookies to please you all.. ha ha ha…
Steve–out
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Steve, you are both blessed to have each other. Best friends of 15 years are not easy to come by, life is not an easy road to wander down and that is a long time to have been on the path together. I just hope I will be able to have sobriety by my side as a best friend in 15 years. For that I will be truely grateful. But one day at a time right now at day 47. Otherwise it will all be too overwelming.
I met with my sponsor about step one. Easy one right? Ya know the more we talked the more shit started coming out. Theres a lot inside that alcohol kept deep. Insecurities, just lots of stuff I don’t really know I want to come out from its hiding place. But again, baby steps. At the meeting the second lady to share had just lost her Dad on Friday. Talk about deep pain, it brought it all back like it was yesterday. If I could drink to take it away I might consider it, but that brings more pain. I wished I could take it from her, then have it taken from me. But maybe thats another step I have yet to conquer. So with that, I am forgetting about myself and going to be with Mom. All I can do to make her moments special and the time I can cherish with her while doing it is magic. So I am going to create some today. Everyone have a great Sunday, do something good for you and it will overflow to someone else. Betcha!!!!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Sometimes it’s easier to be close to someone you don’t have to live with everyday. It’s alot like still living with your parents sometimes!!hahaha
Rockin- I lost my son,mom, dad, both in laws, a brother when I was younger, I found a friend who took his life…it will always give us a twinge. But it’s better to take that twinge, cry if you must, and find something good in their life that made the two of you happy. Life’s a circle, and we never know when we’ll be ”pulled” from the circle. So, you did the right thing by not drinking. And thinking about it doesn’t make us go backwards; in fact when we think about it and say NO, we’ve taken 3 steps forward. Sorry you were feeling sad the other day. You could always call me if you need to. Call the office and tell them it’s okay to give you my phone number. Drinking and drugs are like a big brick wall that we like to hide away from pain and fear. But that brick wall can be rammed and torn down… you are going to do okay. You already are. I’m sorry your mom is sick. But I pray to give a day or week of my life away if I could just talk or see my mom for one minute. See, we all deal with demons. And I know motherly love, and I know SHE knows you are there with her. God bless you sweetie.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Next Sloarc Group Session: TOMORROW! Tuesday, Aug. 4th, 5:30pm…
Hope to see many of you there….
Steve–out
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I lost my mom when I was only 24 and she was 55. She was long-time pill popper, and I really didn’t think at the time she was abnormal from all our neighbors. In the 50’s life was so different—Geez, they’de have big parties where everyone chain smoked (remember those huge ceramic ashtrays like ” Table Art”? You could land a plane in those babys.) And nobody drank fufu drinks–it was scotch and water or vodka and oj for the ladies. You could barely see thru the smoke.
I sure took after dear old mom. When I would go with her to her many drs visits, they would actually hand the kids candy cigarettes and pretend pill bottles with all different colors of candy inside. So when my mom and dad were arguing about her pill use at this fancy hotel-he grabbed all her bottles and threw them against the wall, opening all over the hallway. They were so pretty !!! Red, green, blue and yellow, pink, orange. I thought there must be a pinata somewhere !!!!! I still remember the feeling of joy I had for that one moment in time. And I still think they’re pretty. Kinda like a venus flytrap.
Look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. I’ll be the one with the candy cigarette.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:18 pm
D.Q.
My heartfelt wishes on the triumph of having walked hand in hand (most of the time) having slept under the same roof (yes, the roof counts) having ended hundreds upon thousands of conversatations and phone calls with a fleeting ‘luv you’ that sounded as stale and habitual as it truly was and getting up again each day to take it for another whirl.
I’m not quite positive, but when I picture Anniversary 32 I’m not seeing sexy here. Quite the opposite, my vision…Two people reaching down to offer a arm pull out of the latest stumble into the complexities of surviving life as a team.
By 32, a new minty fresh toothpaste or musky cologne actually flies under the radar screen!
The bouqet of flowers are still freshly clipped, the scent may linger sweet,but they must be added to the existing list of things to care for, errands to run, appointments and grown up responsibitiles. Alas, the odds are poor that your heartsworns gift of lust will perish long before their time in a stangnet, slimy gilt ridden last pour down the disposal sink when no one else is home to witness the failure of love offered, received and forgotton.
The dinner out is fraught with dangers…the anxiety of forcing a public venue to be just perfect for both, and it will always, always be too expensive or just not feel quite the way it felt that time before. You know that time…when we didn’t need to talk about love…we just were.
Its so ironic, we long for the partner we began with, the perfect one that we truly knew…absolutley so fucking very little about at all!
We haven’t forgotten how to talk with our mates, quite the opposite, we have just had several thousand too many unnessary conversations over the decades. We got ourselves lost in the forest, not the pretty one where Robin Hood lives but the snarky dark one where Gollum hangs out with his shiny gold ring and obsessions.
Then we clean went and forgot about “the next level” of love and happiness. Gratitude on easy spin. Just an evening walk, no talk. We all work too hard all the time, both of us. We don’t have contests, we watch each others back…and don’t forget to rub them backs too! It’s not about gettin something later, by now ours backs always need a good muscle rub. We don’t keep track, when the lotion is gone it just gets refilled - by magic.
Gratitude on light. There will be problems this week, there always are. Wish it wasn’t so predictable. Thanks for going to work, thanks for fresh milk, someone must have paid the electric bill ’cause the lights work. Glad the kids look more like you than me, later they’ll second that.
Noticed a while back that women sure do need to talk alot, about pretty near everything. Over and over and round and round. Like a spin cycle on a cloths dryer tumbling around with various zippers and buttons banging out a harsh reminder or two.
Gratitude on the easy spin is for the men who actually make the effort to listen even when they honestly do not have near enough containers in their heads to hold one average “honey we need to talk about this’ conversation.
Go for a walk, only talk in one sentence per minute or two. Nothing gets fixed on short quiet walks but every now and again if your not watching too close, people might just hold hands, just easy like.
I’d work out a trade on ‘his resturant’ maybe It might have a circle back booth with a tablecloth so you could put up your feet with no one the wiser
August 4th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Last reminder…………………Sloarc Group Session: TONIGHT, Tuesday, 5:30pm….
Have a safe day all….
Steve–out
August 4th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Someonenew,
It is the Partner taken for granted.
It’s a society obsessed with Romance versus Relationship.
When romantic expectation meets relationship reality is when the hard lifting starts and most couples are ill prepared to actualy Work at the ralationship at hand I’m not saying this relates to you, just a general observation. If couples work as hard on their Relationship as they did on the fantasy of their Marriage ceremony, are nations 51% divorce rate would decline greatly.
Your post was beautiful in it’s prose but it got me thinking about my 31 years of marriage and it’s been the hardest job and the most rewarding venture I’ve ever undertaken. It’s one of the few things in my life that I can take pride in, don’t believe for one minute that it is all sweetness and light, far from it but it has givin me great rewards.
Strat
P.S. hope this didn’t sound like a lecture I just wanted to ramble.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Hope to see you all tonight!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
No Strat, didn’t sound like a lecture. as a matter of fact, I’m chuckling at your’s and someonenew’s posts. I complain plenty, but he actually has more to complain about. We’ve always laughed about the ”age” difference, and how he raised me all these years, (which is the truth. Imagine getting married to a 19 year old when you are 29. Had to be hard on him in many ways.) But he’s always been there, and I’ve started more fights than he has. And I probably cause more problems than he does. But Strat, you are so right. It takes more work than divorced people know to keep a marriage together. Unless you’re getting your brains beat from your head, or being abused in anyway, then you should run as fast as you can. But every marriage has its ups and downs, sideways, off the track at times; but I truly believe in the saying “Kiss me Goodnight, every night.” Marriage isn’t always getting flowers on your BD or anniversary. Often, it’s putting his underwear, socks, tooth brush, hairdryer; everything he needs in the moring, on the bathroom counter so he doesn’t have to reach down to the bottom shelves, knowing how much it hurts him. It’s reminding him that it’s going to be monday, and you’ll take care of the poker food, if he only calls this friends. Reminding his its secretary day and sending the flowers for him. Not comparing who hurts the most, and taking his luggage to the car when you leave the coast, because he looks tired. It’s him hooking up the laptop at MB because he knows you’re a computer klutz. It’s him driving you to Dr. H’s to spend special time with you, and when you go in for your appointment, he sits outsides and calls clients. It’s limping in the house , sitting down, and him bringing you a diet pepsi, crushed ice, because he knows how much you hurt, and just want to sit and possibly go to sleep. It’s him cooking because he knows you’ve been thinking about your son to much that day, would rather not cook, and so he takes care of it. But i think my favorite one is when the two of you are in the middle of an arguement, and I’ll say, “Oh, time out, we’ll keep fighting in a minute, but I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT I HEARD TODAY!!!” Then the fight never starts again. Marriage is more giving than taking, more thinking about what you can do for them than what you’d like done for yourself. It’s about wanting to walk out one hundred times, but all those one hundred times, there’s no place you’d rather be. It’s talking about when ”our time comes”, and morbid yes, but hoping we go together, because we couldn’t stand the pain of living without the other one. So, he doesn’t need to tell me that his tidy whities are the cleanest he’s ever seen, because he knows I know. And when the garbage is full, I don’t ever have to ask him to take it out. And he’d never go anywhere without asking me first, nor would I. And the best is reaching out at night, and if he’s not in bed, it cuz he’s at the front window with a gun, because something woke him up and he’s protecting his family. And even though he’s hit 60, proud to say he still doesn’t need the blue pill, and all is well in that department. In fact, things get sexier the older you are. (Don’t gross out everyone) We all have good and bad days, and I’d take all of his bad days, than to be by myself for the fest of my life. Think about what someonenew and Strat wrote. Marriage is like being sober; no pain, no gain. Love to all. I’m still in Fresno, sorry rocking, cuz I would have LOVED To taken a walk with you. I think I’m coming Thrusday by myself til hubby gets there Frid night with daughter. I’ll let you know when I get there, and maybe we can hit a meeting, or do something. Would LOVE that. Would also love to hear about your fun at the fair. Everyone have a great time at the meetin tonight. And remember, if its’ your first one at SLOARC’S, GOOOOO! Great meeting, great people, great stories, great friends, and Steve’s pretty cool at the meetings. Like Rock would say, peace out. Like I say,, hugs and love to all. sorry to ramble. you guys really help me on sad days, and NO, i’m not bui….just loneyly…just thinking lots of my son…sentimental….okay, I’m out…drive safe tonight…
August 4th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
JWS-would love to meet you. have the office give you my email address and my cellphone…if you’d like…you to rocking.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Thanks Strat
100% agree. Keeping my guy forever. We imagine a smaller house and foggy mornings and always an old gray dog. The children can come anytime, we’ll call for the ferry schedule.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
THANK YOU ALL who attended the Sloarc group tonight! I enjoy the very loose format, and I hope you all feel comfortable as well…My apologies to some of the first time folks, for asking you to speak right off the bat…..I just get excited when new folks show up and I want to hear from you….Recovery is such a wild ride, and we need all the support we can get…I feel especially close to those of you that attend this group…
Keep it up!
Steve–out
August 4th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Steve-thank you for putting together this wonderful group !! I instantly felt comfortable and, yes at last, these are all people that I can all relate to. If someone was walking down the street and glanced in the window, they would never guess what this group of seemingly unlike people had in common. Banker, rocker, surfer, college kid, preschool teacher,young mom, tattoo’s , tans , piercings, varicose veins. Different in every way, different drug of choice, yet one common enemy. I have so much to learn from those with longer sobriety, and now here is the perfect opportunity.
I have the highest respect for all of you. Thanks again.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Steve, I thank you also for being so committed to the SLOARC group. My only wish is that I lived closer. I was coming, or leaving this morning, and my husband woke me up to tell me goodbye, see me when he say me. But my daughter sang a different tune after he lest, and I shouldn’t let her lead me around the dancefloor like she does. At noon my hubby’s saying, you can still get there in plenty of time. THenshe puls the “Oh my God, this headache is so different, cry, cry, cry. YES, I know she’s pulling my leg, but I really wanted my son’s head checked better, but he was ‘fine’, just hungry, and the fear of loosing another child, my only one left. frightens me right back to the ”I’m back home Ali where I belong ‘ALI”, why did I leave you and all the wonderful pills.” I’d really be a failure then as a parent, to have had two children, and to loose them both. My heart beats faster than it should most of the time, I cry when I know I shouldn’t, I’m afraid I’ll die in surgery in a couple of weeks. I’m a mess, and I don’t know where this all came from. My husband is finally falling apart from the accident, and I don’t know what to do for him. My life is honestly falling apart right nowl
Love you all. Glad it was a great meeting, and Steve, I did have the best intentions of making it today. Thanks for making sure we have one to go to every 2 weeks. Gives us out of towners a better chance on making them.
Sorry to fall apart. Love and hugs to all. Hope everyone had a safe trip home after the meeting. love, dq j.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
My 32 aniversary is in about 5 minutes. Think I’ll go wish my hubby a happy anniversary…
August 5th, 2009 at 6:12 am
wow, time is flying by. it’s almost Christmasl Have a great day everyone.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:02 am
happy anniversary dq ! Hope you have a great day, and another landmark day of sobriety. (do they make virgin champagne ?)
I also wish you lived closer. You are such a dear heart, and would be a wonderful friend. But for now, know that all your friends here are thinking of you today.
I’m off to get ready for work, talk to ya later dq.
Dance
August 5th, 2009 at 8:51 am
does anyone here on the blog have experience with,
or know of dr schecter in atascadero?
if so, any thoughts, good/bad/indifferent would be appreciated.
thx
August 5th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Bup. The Vet. or the O.D.?
August 5th, 2009 at 9:53 am
OPPS should have ask the Vet. Or the D. O. ?
August 5th, 2009 at 10:44 am
schecter d.o.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Bupetser, the Vet is her hubby….Contact Doc or I through private email for more info…
Thanks again for all who attended last night’s Group…Hope to see Bupester at one of these!
Next Sloarc group Session: Tuesday, Aug. 18th, 5:30pm!
Steve–out
August 5th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Bup. She was my Doc. for a short time when I first moved here and if I remember clearly she was holistic and thourogh in her approach. Not one to throw drugs at every problem and at the time I was not real happy about that. But talk to Steve and the Doc. for the real scoop.
Strat.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
THX
August 5th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Bup- live to far away, so I can’t help you with that question. Luck on finding out. Google her.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Could it be Dr. Patricia, DO, Atascadero? Don’t know why your looking, just helping cuz I have time right now…
August 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Quiet again? What’s up? Hope everyone is well…
August 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Just touching bases… Not sure where to begin? Actually, this should be easy! Cause, this is my second time around. You see, I had this thing beat! You know the rest of the story. I still find myself driving around AA meetings.
Some of the relationship post hit home… can really relate. One thing for certain, the moment I add a substance to a healthy relationship, poison would be safer.
I do not want to ramble, so… Will keep this quick, enjoyed reading the post, thank you for your share!
In addition, the Tuesday meeting was beneficial, got more than expected.
Thank you Steve for facilitating, I will be at the next meeting.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Hi all. Today is my 30 day sober and it occured to me that I’m not sure why that is special except that I’m not required to call myself a new comer during meetings. I had an office visit by happenstance today and when leaving Steve presented me with a coupon. I thought it was a coupon, but Patty showed me that it was a lottery ticket. I thought it was because of my 30th day but it seems your just givin a lottery ticket sometimes. (Because they buy extra?) Are these used for people with gambling addictions? I was not sure how to turn in the ticket so Patty showed me how to scratch off the front. I remember these! I waited until later and with great anticipation revealed my lucky number…it was my actual bithday number! How could they have known? But alas, it was not meant to be. No other matches today. I did take a bit of time scratching off all the rest of the card and found many ways to invalidate a winning ticket so I’ll call it a good experiance and will consider myself a bit of a ‘player’ when I run across one in my future. Thank you Steve for the fine gift and Patty for teaching me the ropes. But I digress, any insight into the symbolic meaning behind 30 days anyone?
I am reading a memoir by David Carr, The Night of the Gun. I will leave it at the office my next visit. My ‘alcoholic’ is finding it as exciting as I find it disturbing.
My family is leaving for a road trip soon, no luxuries allowed, so I’ll be off the blog world for a bit.
Good dreams to all,
August 7th, 2009 at 8:34 am
ms. new,
congrats on 30 days.
symbolism in aa?
you bet
1, 30, 60, 90……….30 yrs,
much less 1 hr at times
anything to hold onto besides a drink/pill/syringe….
again, good job
and thanks for sharing
August 7th, 2009 at 8:36 am
oh, by the way dr schecter is great
August 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Who is Dr. shecter?
Happy BD someonenew. One of the perks at Docs is sometimes you get a lotto ticket, or a lolipop, and the best is the good ole talking and great advice. And Patty and Rick and Kristie are the best up front. Dr. sure picks the people around him with care and thoughtfulness. Anyway someone- congratulations on your 30th day. Great job, and it is a job.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Hi,
Interesting day, one moment… everything is under control, next… nothing makes sense. One day at a time? I think not! Moment by moment is more like it.
I made an AA meeting today, took everything I had to make it in the door, and survived. I am a relapse victim (not really a victim, except at my own hand). I picked up right where I left off, only worse (old story, yes… I know). It seems that getting back to sobriety, does not allow you the same benefits of picking up where I left off. Recovery is like starting all over; just the pitfall and warning signs are brighter.
I am a fan of opiates (ok, more like a devoted user. Previous user that is), the relapse started with one simple glass of wine.
I can tend to ramble, and this is nothing new. I am just taking advantage of this forum and doing the little things to make a difference.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
The last time I had a good long term spree with sobriety was 16 years ago and I swear that after that nice policeman told me I could drive home in the back of his car and stay for 4 hours that was all it took. Got my taxi home, got my lawyer and decided that was way unplesant enough for me. Joined a nice gym, worked out 5 nights a week and only drank iced tea. I was 29 and all the body parts and brains were quick to rebound.
Quick math with my trusty solar calulater determines (nothing fancy here, math still makes me cry in my closet in the dark) that a minimum of 4,320 to 6,000 bottles of various flavors of wine have bathed my brain cells, liver and all other secret places between the two these past couple of decades.
Soccer mom I am and car plate says swim taxi but I can not leave the house without a penciled out list of stops to make, items to not forget at each stop. God save me if I make a mistake and turn left instead of right it can take blocks before I remember what I forgot!
If my brain were a puppy I found on the side of the road and brought home the humane society would have good cause relieve me of that poor neglected hound and rightly so. If my brain ever has a chance to hold 4 thoughts simultaneously for more than 4 seconds it shall take months / years of dedication to the vitamin, wheat grass, exercise, acupuncture and meditation gods and then a bit of good luck and my favorite dead grandfather rooting for good measure. Now he was a drinkin man! I digress again…
Welcome back Returned. If we ever meet I’ll try to save a wheat grass for you. Nasty things, like drinking a lawn but it makes you feel like your pouring something natural in and replacing some old used up funky motor oil.
I like people who ramble. Just try not to drive and ramble together. My Grandmother (still alive 99, didn’t drink) used to drive a white Rambler. I’ll buy a lottery scratcher ticket thing for the first person who says they drove a Rambler of any color. Ha!
Oh sobriety has left me with little to do in the evening after kissing all my guys goodnight so I torture you poor souls in blog land.
Enough, I banish myself from this kingdom and let its good folk have some sweet dreams…
August 8th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Hi,
I’ve tried grass before and I did inhale (making a funny). Wheat grass would be a new experience. My willingness to try something new has a proven track record.
Exercise and good nutrition is the only thing that I know of that will regenerate brain activity (I know this is not entirely accurate, but you get the idea).
Odd you mentioned old funky motor oil; sometimes I will take 2-3 steamming hot showers a day and still can’t feel clean. Perhaps it’s just a psyche thing of getting the crap out of my system.
I appreciate the welcome. Have a great day!
Also, I had a 1959 Rambler coupe… Two tone, turquoise and white. I purchased it to flip (fix up and sale). So, I don’t know if this qualifies?
August 8th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Hi everyone: I finally got the high speed internet fixed in my house. The whole thing crapped out on me and I didn’t have the strength to fix it. I have been busy with the fair- my daughter is in FFA- and life in general. The nursing board has finally agreed to hear my reinstatement next month so keep your fingers crossed-it has been 3 years since I was able to work, seems like forever. More later
MK
August 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
MK-Hello and welcome home. Oh, FFA. Remember those days,and the worst were the chicken and roosters my daughter had to throw in for some reason. Our rooster was so MAD that he got kicked off of the School Farm. Funny really. So we brought both of them home, left the cow and lamb at the farm. The silly chicken laid one egg everyday except on Suday. Honest. She really read her Bible. Bless her heart, and the coyotes that figured how to get into her pen.
Hi Returned. Glad you did just that, returned. Look forward to getting to know you. I also like opitates, and also ramble. Made in heaven.
Our anniversary was great. Hubby closed down a small resturant that we go to, the owner sent over a bottle of champage, which I poured into my glass just to toast, smelled, didn’t drink, then had to drive Hubby home that night. It was a magical night, remembering why we got together, how hard we worked at times staying together, and the only thing he didn’t make come true in my life was a trip to Hawaii. I think I picked a winner. I know I did. He put up with my addictions for years. Not many partners would.
Thanks Dr. H for writing back. Nerves are on edge. MK, maybe we could talk since you were a recovery nurse, am I remembering right?
Speaking of remembering…I don’t anymore. I was never great, even way back when. My mom made sure I went to school with my pre school friends, I was 4, and always felt like I picked up all the information being taught the next year. So, is the not remembering well something I’ve had for life?, from the drugs?, or possibly not giving a shit about what some are saying? Help. Doc, Steve, what are your opinions?
Love the coast. In MB, and the fog is just floating by. WONDERFUL. Coming over here as much as possible before surgery.
Hugs to all….j
August 8th, 2009 at 11:58 am
MK- More than luck to you next month. I’m putting you in my prayers, but good luck also….
August 8th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Welcome back “returned!” Glad you decided to join us again….You are back on the right path.
Next Sloarc Group Session: Tuesday, Aug 18th, 5:30pm.
Steve–out
August 8th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Returned, You said you were at SLO ARC Meeting Tuesday and so was I. We really didn’t introduce blog names so I am not placing the face. I am one that loves Steve’s get togethers (cookies) with the group just cuz it is not frikkin an AA meeting. Cross talk be damned, in fact I sometimes can’t help myself. Which you probably noticed, for some reason everyone knows who I am without the blog name intro.
Hey, We are all just there for each other, AND if ya talk or don’t want to talk who the hell cares. The fact that we dragged ourselves out of our comfort zone and we are there for whatever reason is so huge. Its all part of the journey of recovery. So… here is my bikers mentality, “Its all about the journey, not the destination.” However, our journey through recovery can suck, while the destination may never be fully reached. The destination is recovery, but, are we not always addicts, just one drink or pill away from a relapse into hell. Oh happy day. Lets sing Kumbiya and forget all that shit.
Anyway, I am getting ready for some surgery. My choice, for self improvement to make me feel better about me. Saved for a frikking year and thought about it that long so I say to hell with anyone that would criticize. BUT, Ive got Dr, Steve and my sponsor all over my ass about the presciption Vicoten being addictive for the pain. I have heard it will make me puck my guts out. The prescription antabiotic says it can cause halucinagations, depression, sucidal thoughts Yahoo, let the addiction begin, I can’t wait. Fuck, I would rather have Vodka as a prescription, but, pills are medically acceptable, right? Shit, give me a shot anyday. Resident alkie speakin here. So Im thinking bring on the pain and some sleeping pills. All Ive got is over the counter, but with some Ibepropen and sleep aid, I think I can get by. Pucking is not an option with stiches in the places Im gonna have them.
DramaQueen, missed ya. So glad your annivesary dinner was perfect. Glad you and your honey connected. Its hard living with anyone as an addict. We tend to be self centered. REALLY!?? Anyone ever notice that? I am finally calling myself what I am, an alcoholic and an addict. I have lots of problems, self esteem among them. Honestly, thats another trait I have found most of us addicts have. And using was normal to feel comfortable in group situations. Those of us that jobs that require us to be leaders, or in positions of authority, are excellent actors. Thats why I would break down at the end of the day and drink. God I was done. Thats my statement, done! Now let it all stop and oblivion start. Shit, I am having a break down right here for ya’all.
Haven’t started drinking, but Im just tired. Fair was fun. Motley Crue concert was the best. Surgery coming and Im scared shitless but telling no one but you my friends. Thats another thing, Friends, real or not?
Love everyone out there. Special shout out for my special girls gotcha back, JWS and DQ. AND RATDOG Where the hell are you crusty dude. BUP if ya dont show your face at a SLOARC meetin I wont believe you are real…. and i believe in magic
August 8th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Hello one and all. I always find the blog interesting even though I don’t write very often.
As far as this marriage business goes, I have been married 15 years and it has been a long road. But she stood by me through all of the problems my addiction created.
I have been seeing doc and steve for eight months now, and outside of my current ack of employment life has never been better. But that weasel inside me still tries to get me using again. let’s face it, using drugs feels good. But abusing them ruins your life. And in my case I was spending a fortune on milk and cereal. I kept nodding off and spilling it on my couch! How messed up is that? Not to mention falling asleep standing up.
I almost put my head through a window on one of the last times I was overly medicated on methadone. But the worst part was counting the days until the next refill. It is amazing how long eighteen days can seem. Ha!
anyway, hang in there everyone. life is always better without drugs and alcohol. And your likelihood of being arrested will decrease exponentially with time.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Faimly and I in a town that goes my the name of Red Bluff. Redding was sold out so here we are and I broght my laptop after all. First night of our road trip and I’m still connected to my ‘Ali’ and the world. Wow things have changed.
Dear Returned, you are the winner! I will purchase that scratcher lotto ticket at the first 7/11 at Lake Shasta. A 1959 turqoise and white Rambler?
Yours must has been beautiful even if you flipped it quickly.
Sweet dreams for all from Red Bluff and for all M.D.s who do surgery.
August 8th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
hi anyone on here its really important i get ahold of Steve or the Dr. I am feel like i need to go to the hospital i need to get a hold of someone. DOES ANYONE HAVE STEVE’S CELL. WHAT ABOUT YOU ROCKINSTUFF
August 9th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Not to worry folks…..I spoke with “Beautiful Disaster” last night….rough night, but things are better today..AND B.D. you did the right thing by reaching out, that’s what it’s all about….
Steve–out
August 9th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Rockinstuff- good for you! I am excited to see the results. Ice, elevation, ibuprofin- if you need a narcotic for pain- you may need it- always have something in your stomach saltine crackers, toast, something starchy- will help with the nausea. Also don’t move around alot after taking the meds. Movement can exacerbate nausea. If you keep the swelling down the pain will be less. Good luck to you.
Drama Queen- I love the FFA it really is a great organization for teenagers. I was in 4-H raised sheep and cried my eyes out every year I sold one. I was sobbing at my daughters pig pen on the last day of the fair. I get as attached to the animals as she does- really embarrassed myself. If you want to talk to me ask steve for my home # I know your first name so call me if you want to. My first name is Mary
MK
August 9th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Hey Rockin
I once heard someone discribe an Addict as an Ego Maniac with Low Self Esteem, made perfect sence to me.
By the way Steve and Doc. are very right on about the Vicodin at’s very habit forming and your addict would LOVE to have that instead of alcohol and with the trauma of surgery your mind will be screaming for it (had major back surgery a year ago) let your surgeon know your history and have him or her contact the Doc. and if it’s decided that the narcs are the way to go have your spouse control them and act as nurse so you don’t just decide that “that one more woudn’t hurt” . It was that one statement in my life that always got me trouble. Self medication is the addicts mission statement whether it’s alcohol or drugs.
Strat.
P.S. For what it’s worth I think you look just fine the way you are.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:34 am
BD honey, we’re all thinking of you today and praying for the best. So glad you got in touch with Steve and doc when you did !!! You are going through so much right now, wish i could be by your side to help out.
Rockin—- good for you girl !! At our age anything that helps with the self esteem is worth every penny and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I myself get botox to smooth out the wrinkles, and it makes my confidence level much better. And i knew you at the mtg because you are just what i pictured. You exude FUN.
Drama Queen-glad you had a good anniversary. Did you read my post to you on that day.It’s funny that you talked about champagne.
Bup, strat, mk, someone,retuned, i’d like to get to know you all better.
please give me a holler sometime.
Retuned, is it retuned or returned? I’m confused.
Well its day #19. Doing pretty good-It’s awesome to not have my whole life revolving around that next pill. If it werent for sub, i’m pretty sure id be back on the merry go round by now. I’m going to my regular doc on tuesday, and i’m not sure if i want to come clean about my addiction problem or keep quiet. She isnt the dr that prescribed all the pain meds. what do you guys think.?
Well i hope you all have a wonderful sunday!!!!
August 9th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Slodancing, Don’t know what you do at your regular doc appointments, if it’s not connected to addiction, there is no reason to inform them….BUT, if there is ANY reason they might be prescribing ANY drug that is abuseable, then you certainly need to let them know what’s up…There could also be drug interactions with Suboxone…
Glad things are going well for you….We all deserve a great life!
Steve–out
August 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: TUESDAY, AUG. 18TH, 5:30PM…..
August 9th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Hi,
Just sharing a bit of experience (we all have them), my preferred substance is vicodin. A simple glass of wine initiated a full on relapse. Substance is a substance. AA says alcohol is powerful, baffling, and cunning (not sure, if I have the order of words correct), this applies to all substances.
Slodancing, I selected the name “Retuned” as in tune a piano, guitar, out or tune up your car. Why? No clue? A great screen name for me would have been “Nocluewhy”
Have a great day!
August 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I am asking Doc and Steve to share new with you if they will. I’ll be off the blog for awhile. thanks
August 9th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
thanks for the feedback retuned. i wondered about the effect of alcohol on a person with opiate addiction. my addict would just love to find another way of getting high. it’s a sneaky bastard alright ! and your alternate screen name is so true for 99% of us. whats that saying…the older i get the less i know? i should have “clueless” stamped on my forehead !!!
i’ve been writing on here more than usual as i’m trying to stay off my feet all weekend. been having lots of extreme foot and leg edema, and now am thinking its not just a side affect of sub. got my lab results back and found my cholestoral was sky high (can you say premium chocolate chip?)
who had time for being health conscious while being unconscious ???
DQ, i hope my champagne remark didn’t offend you. on your anniversary i was talking about if they made “virgin champagne”, and that may have come out the wrong way. I’m sorry if there was any misunderstanding.
have a great week everyone
August 10th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Returned: I was addicted to vicodin and norco. I understand the living for the next pill comment. I found suboxone to be such a godsend- those horrible withdrawl symptoms= no energy, freezing in 80 degree weather, jumpy, can’t sleep- I tried a number of times to quit on my own. The longest I got was 11 days and I still felt like crap- it drove me insane- so back to the pharmacy- I bet you know the drill. Good for you taking charge of your life. I have been on suboxone now almost 3 years, I feel good and have NO cravings it is just part of my life ,it works so I see no need to stop taking it. Dr. Howalt and Steve are wonderful resources to have in your recovery. I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am without their help. Take care
MK
August 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Slodancing- No offense to the champange remark. I found it to be funny and endearing.
Okay, second hardest blog I’ve ever written to you since I started seeing Dr.H. You all know that I lost my son in an accident to a drunk driver who didn’t see him stopped legally on the road in front of him.
In MB yesterday morn, drying my hair, when my phone rings. I never manage to get to it soon enough, and the message was to call my nefew-in-law. when i called, he had to inform me that my brother had passed away in his sleep that morning. i don’t remember much after that except feeling like i was loosing my mind again, and my husband putting me to bed while he packed up the house, garbage…we were on the road in about 20 minutes. My brother was older than myself. he was 59. sad, yes, i am. but theres’ a story to be told, and dont’ ever forget it when you think you can binge one more time.
my brother has been drinking since he was 15. it was easy in those days to sneak from the bar,weddings, and just like now, markets are all around that sell to minors. he was a farmer. in fact you might have bought cherries from in either in Cambria, Cyucus, MB. SLO, Atascadero, all the markets.before it became illeagle, he’d fill his ice chest up at 6 a.m. with beer and ice, put it in the back, and all day reach back, open the back window, and reach for his beer. easily, he was an alcoholic in his mid 20’s. he also had a friend who supplied him with cocaine every morning, but his ”friend” died 5 years ago. every beautiful chevy truck he bought would be dented in all over within a month of purchase, and it must have been someone who ran into him, because he doesn’t remember it running into anything. classic. he’d show up at any families home with knocked in heads, broken noses, and we’d have to go and find his truck, because he didn’t remember where it was. 3 years ago he pulled off the freeway, ran into someone, and this time, he hurt them. jail time. he called me everyday at 10, and i’d be here for him if i could. he was home for one more christmas. he was married for nearly 40 years. 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and one on the way next month. BECAUSE of all of his drinking, cocaine use, and jail time , his heart was hurt from all the year of abuse. He had surgery in Feb., a pace maker put in June because his heart was skipping, and he never felt good after that. They think from the position he was sleeping, curled up comfy on his side, hands under his cheeks, that he never felt it, and the pace maker just didn’t do it’s job.
DON”T EVER THINK THIS CAN”T HAPPEN TO US. This is a lesson to learn and to remember. I loved my brother, never could help him, and anytime I even think about trying it ONE MORE TIME, I’ll never forget the pain I’m feeling since the call yesterday. Don’t anyone of you make the same mistake either. I love you all…hugs
August 10th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
thanks dq, i needed to hear that.
i need to constantly be reminded where that next one takes me.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Thanks bup. if this story helps only one person, it’s worth it to me.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
oh DQ, so sorry for your loss. you’ll be in our prayers for sure.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:28 am
D.Q. Just Heard my thoughts and prayers are with you.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:29 am
DQ: please know you are loved and cared about. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family
MK
August 11th, 2009 at 9:37 am
You ARE truly my family by heartstrings. Thanks to all…
August 11th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
D…Q. nice talking with you tonight…Hope tomorrow is a better day…..
The blog is a safe place to let some emotions out. Wonderful to see some of you today at the office..Keep up the good work…
Next SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug, 18th, 5:30pm
Steve–out
August 12th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Thanks Steve for all the advice. I thought it would be a quiet night, but the school board meeting got cancelled since my husband and my sister are both on the board, due to respect for our family. All day I’ve been looking through family pictures (something I was supposed to have started on months ago after cleaning our parents home out) for pictures of my brother when we were much, much younger, and much more innocent. Then tonight, we were watching the talent show thats’ on, and my sister in law called and asked if I’d sing at the funeral Sat, and she was sorry, but they’d been ”fighting” over what should be sung. My niece reminded them that he always wanted me to sing ”Walk on through the Storm”, and I said I didn’t know if I could sing at one more family funeral. I’d let them know in the morning. Then, when God wants you to do something, and you aren’t sure you do, He kicks you in the butt. The last act on the show were the three children who sang to their mom while she was in a coma, and they sang what song?, yea, you know. So now Steve, my addict is really playing with me, asking me already, ”we’re gonna sing loaded, aren’t we? You aren’t getting through the week very well, so how can you do this without ”ali?”. I need all of your guys words, wisdom and help. I don’t honestly know if I can do this. You expect to loose your parents, I didn’t expect to loose my son, and siblings, well, it’s a toss up game, who goes first. There has been so much death in this family in the past couple of years, I don’t know why God thinks I’m so strong to handle it.
Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. I feel pretty bad sitting here in the valley, and not having much to say to encourage all of you through our addictions. My surgery for next week has been cancelled, because my husband and Dr. didn’t think it was a good idea. If anyone remembers, when I had my surgery to find the cause in Feb., my brother had been taken to the same hospital the night before with his heart attack, and they were doing surgery on him the night that I had surgery. I saw him before checking in, and he said, ”well, you’ll be coming out of recovery when they take me in. Look for me, and I’ll look for you.” I know in my heart that he’s with my parents, my son, the babies he never met because of miscarriages, and I KNOW in my heart he’s happy to have gone home to our Saviour, and he’ll never be tormented by drinking again, and making promises that he tried to keep, but never could.
Well, here I ramble, and no, I’m not bui. Just tired yet grateful of all the friends who have been over, who have called. I’m just tired, and now I need to practice this song. Maybe I can convince them to let me do it at visitation and at the Rosery. Or maybe record it. Don’t think that will work. I will ask my sister to back me up, as she has an amazing voice. Much more than I. Take care of everyone you guys. I miss you, and hopefully will be back to myself sooner than later. Love and hugs…j
August 12th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Going to try to make it to the next meeting. Think it’ll be a good time for me to go to MB, and a good time to see ya all.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Hey DQ. I’ll make a deal with ya. you go to the one on the 18th and I’ll go and then we can hook up. Deal??? Hopt so would really love to see ya. I need to start doing dome things way different and I bellieve that you were put in my path for more than to be just talking buddies. Okay?????? Let me know
August 13th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Gosh, I didn’t mean to shut everyone up!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 11:54 am
A tsunomi? tide wipe everyone out? annual fishing event everyone okay?
DON’t MAKE ME WORRY…
August 13th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I’m new to the whole blog thing, but I decided to just check it out and see what Steve and Dr. H were ALWAYS reminding me to do. It only took me a few months, but I finally remembered and went on here.
Drama Queen-
I’m really sorry to hear about your brother. I’ve never lost a family member just friends, I know it’s a really hard thing to deal with. I think it’s really great that you were asked to sing at the funeral. I’m grateful to be reminded that anyone can be taken out of this world, I have some strange idea that I’m invincible sometimes that makes me feel justified in my drug usage and drinking. “That will never happen to me” has been a big theme in my life. So it’s nice to remember that it CAN and WILL happen to me if I continue to throw away my sobriety like I have in the past.
So thanks
This week has been really hard for me. I’ve been craving constantly and it is really making me turn into a crazy lady. But I just keep going to meetings and not drinking in between. That’s all I can do. Sorry my post is so lame. hahaha
August 14th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Good Morning…yeah, it is a bit TOO QUIET here the last couple days….
Hope everyone is just busy in a GOOD WAY!
NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug. 18th, 5:30pm….
Come join us…it’s VERY informal, I try to make it comfortable for all that attend…Of course sometimes ol’ Steve here blows it, and ask someone who is brand new to spill their guts…..Sorry about that once again….I get excited when new folks show up, and I’m also very glad that some of you have attended EVERY session so far…we need the stability for sure!
Have a great Friday everyone, and get to a 12-step meeting if you want to boost your clean time/sobriety to the next level!
Steve–out
August 14th, 2009 at 7:32 am
ALCHY>WELCOME<WELCOME!!! WOW, I guess we finally “Hammered” you enough to join in! You have made a MIRACULOUS transformation in your life Alchy, and I am so glad you decided to come share a bit of that with us here….Changing from an active drinking, drugging, alcoholic/addict, to a clean and sober person, is nothing short of a full blown miracle in my book! I remember the times in my life when I couldn’t go ONE HOUR without altering my state of mind..To go a full day, was unthinkable….Now I look back and am coming up on 10 years of not doing that stuff, and it’s very clear to me that it was all ONE DAY AT A TIME…It’s also evident to me that getting clean and sober was by FAR the biggest life changing event that I will ever experience until my death….also the most POSITIVE ONE! Ha ha….
Steve–out
August 14th, 2009 at 9:40 am
You know Steve, (God, there are so many Steve’s I’ve noticed this week), I can’t imagine you ”back in the day.”
I had gone shopping the other day to find something to wear (this funeral is gonna be a circus), needed gas, and as I pulled onto the street, for once I found a red light to be lucky. There was a person, doing their best to survive, pushing his cart, and looking around my car that hadn’t had any attention this week, I started grabbing pepsi cans, bottles, and even had one I had just bought to open. Ya all know how I love my diet pepsi. So I rolled down my window, and asked him if he’d help me out by taking these things off of my hands. He was so grateful to receive something to recycle, and yeah, I know what they do with the money, but I can’t stand to see people barely surviving. I just made me realize that could have been my brother if he didn’t have a family that kept pulling him from his own personal gutter, and how lucky he no longer is tormented by bars, liqour stores, and even going to SaveMart. I’ll miss and love him all my life, but, God had different plans. Like I used to tell my children, when you were born, and I was checking you out, there wasn’t anyplace on your body that had an expiration date, so live today as if it’s your last. I hope my son was doing that.
Okay, WELCOME Alchy! Of course your gonna feel not yourself for awhile, but like I tell everyone, if it’s unbearable CALL THE DR., 24/7. 365. They may have ideas to help you be more comfortable. I’ve made my numerous calls, that someday I expect to hear ,”we no longer accept your number.” haha only kidding. And thank you for your words of comfort. I wrote the first blog letting everyone know, not for sympathy, but to share with everyone that, you never know when that drink will kill you. I know for a fact that he’d been going to our parent’s house which he inherited at 2 and 3 in the morning, because my daughter in law lives right across on one of our ranches, and since my son’s been gone,she sleeps light to protect those babies. He was hiding his addiction; but everyone knew.
Well, better start getting ready, it’s been a very long week. And I’m not sure I’m up to singing at my brother’s funeral; I barely make it through people i’m not that close with. But I have back up, and that helps.
START WRITING. Like Steve, I’m getting worried about ya all. I even watched the news to see if the central coast had been wiped out. haha.
Coming to MB for me time on Monday, so I’ll see you at the meeting on Tues. Sign me up. Maybe I’ll make some homemade something. Need to get away from all the phones.
Did have a cute moment last night, about 10. I’d of course had fallen asleep on the couch, the phone rings which makes me jump now, and it was my oldest grandgirl calling to see if she could come over and show me the shoes I’d bought her. I’ve always bought the kids good shoes in the fall and spring. Their mom had called yesterday and asked if I wanted to go shopping with them, and I told her to take them, and I just write her a check. Well, I didn’t know Sketchers were so bling-y! And the 3 year old had gone on line and picked hers out before going, and let me tell you, you could stand her at an accident scene at night and tell her to dance, and those lights would light the world up, just like they do.
Sorry I went on so long, but since no one’s writing, what the heck. lol…I really hope and pray with all my heart that you are all just terribly busy, and like Steve said, doing good. My heart is always with you, even miles away…see some of you on Tuesday, with goodies…
August 14th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Please, please, PLEASE just be busy and quiet. Please all of you be okay, I can’t take much more…
August 14th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Last time, Steve, could you get me MK’s phone number? She said it would be okay, and even though surgery was cancelled for next week, they called and are setting up a different date in about 8 weeks. They don’t want me to go under right now with all thats going through my head. But, I really need to talk to mary, (and how do you know my name?) to tell me what to expect. It’s making me nervous already, again. Thanks. If you have time, just leave it on the cell. I hate bothering everyone.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Hello everyone,
Just checking in to let you know I’m still alive and kickin just a very busy week all and all.
strat.
ps welcome Alcy
August 14th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Thanks for all the welcoming words everyone.
I’m glad this wasn’t like some secret thing that I shouldn’t be intruding on.
Steve- Thank you. Change is really hard especially when you’re stuck in denial about your addiction. So, I suppose I’m just lucky to be out of denial and into finding a solution I can finally live with contently. Also, I might be coming addicted to this site so thanks a lot for giving me a new addiction. At least this one is healthier than my past ones. hahaha
Drama Queen- I’m always too embarrassed to call anyone when I really need it. I know it’s important to be able to pick up the phone but I’m just not in that stage I suppose. Good luck with your singing ! It’s hard to get up and perform but this is definitely a good thing to do to honor your brothers memory. I’m sure he’d be very very proud of you. It’s funny how people try to hide their addictions when it’s obvious, I was always like that. I would hide bottles and pills in my room, but I couldn’t hide I was always screwed up. So everyone eventually caught on.
Today is going pretty good.
I get to secretary my sponsor’s AA meeting because she’s in Hawaii. Hopefully I don’t mess it all up.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
alchy,
stick around and we’ll show you the secret handshake.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Hey Bupe, I thought they had to have a year clean and sober before we showed them the “secret handshake”….ha ha ha….Just kidding ALCHY, you are a member of AA/NA when you SAY you are! The only requirement is a DESIRE to stop drinking/drugging. Glad you are here…..D.Q. it would be wonderful to see you next Tuesday..hope everything works out for you..
Steve–out
August 14th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Formerly SCD. Spent quite awhile reading the big book trying to get a better understanding of my situtation. Amazingly, people figured that out years ago and have a plan and solution. 417 is the page on acceptance and IS the key to progress for me. That and honesty. Taking antabuse and working my own program which didn’t include meetings really didn’t work out. Gee, what a surprise, when I have had lengthy periods of sobriety I was involved in AA and looked at it as just something I did..not something that was a hassle.
Had a great sober time in the midwest visiting family.. Grandma is 91 and sharp as a tack. Hummm…..she has never drank or smoked in her life… Unfortunately I set myself up for the flight home. Stopped taking antabuse..thought a couple drinks at the airport wouldn’t hurt.. and coudn’t stop until today.
Sorry for my sob session. Hope it helps someone else thinking one drink or one day off sobriety is not going to hurt. Sorry to hear about your brother DQ. My uncle went to Vietnam and came back an addict and slowly died of alcohol. Pancreatitis and other complications. 63 years old and died last year. I went to his grave with my parents last week.
August 14th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
question,
do any of you have sensitive teeth from sub?
deep pain in the root of your molars?
only at specific times of the day?
August 14th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Thanks bup and Steve. Needed the laugh about the handshake…I was personally told it’s a special line dance…
just got home from a long , long day of viewing and a long rosary. going to get a diet pepsi, and do it all over again tomorrow.
alchy, don’t worry about calling the office. they are the kindest people as you already know, and are always caring and encouraging when you call. reach out and touch someone…you’ll be surprised,
have to go over my words so I don’t mess up tomorrow…glad to see everyone back on the blog. still sending ya all hugs and love…
August 14th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
A Parent Writes Me:
Dear Dr. Dane
I have been reading your website and the letters from patients posted there. There are many good things to read about and I am glad because my child has become your patient.
I am not interested in any personal information or breaking any doctor/patient privilege but I do wonder about whether this particular drug allows an addict to ever get off of it successfully. I did not see a single letter that mentioned that. I believe all the letters were from people who were continuing to use the drug for months and years (over 3 years in at least once case), or from people who had stopped using the drug, relapsed into the opiates they had used previously and then were back using Suboxone.
I would just like to know if anyone actually is able to be weaned off of this drug or if IT becomes the drug of a lifetime.
Thanks for any information you can provide about your experience with Suboxone. I have been doing my own reading and it seems that the manufacturer of the drug is in no hurry to get people off it. My child does not have large financial resources.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Doctor Howalt Replies:
Thank you for your inquiry!
The bad news:
Statistics suggest that if an opiate addict is stable on “replacement therapy” which is what buprenorphine (Suboxone) is, and then carefully wean slowly down off the replacement medication with medical/physician assistance until they get off….
90% relapse!
It’s not the drugs’ fault really, it seems something has biochemically broken inside the addict and they do not feel reasonable off of external opiate replacement.
The good news:
Opiate addicts taking Suboxone do not even a little bit appear high or impaired, and addicts frequently say things like they feel “normal” when taking the medication.
In my opinion the whole “isn’t it just trading one drug for another” question doesn’t make sense. On one hand addicts are high, impaired, unmotivated, and engaged in unhealthy and illegal activities, while on the other hand they are taking a small does of a prescription medicine, they are not high or impaired, the feel reasonable and they are getting jobs and going to school, repairing relationships, and putting their life back together.
Yes it is unfortunate that the medication and treatment isn’t free, and that is a real issue, but from my viewpoint it is so clearly the lesser of two evils that if one CAN do Suboxone replacement, it’s a wonderful deal.
I invite you to ask your question on the blog, there is a link from the website, and you can get the opinion of others as well who have “been there” and are involved in recovery and taking Suboxone.
I’ll take all identifying info out of your question and post your question and answer on the blog so you can read what other patients think.
Best of luck!
Dr H
August 15th, 2009 at 5:24 am
the “…one drug for another” argument is not valid w/ sub.
that would be like comparing drug seeking behaviors with going to meetings.
apples/oranges
August 15th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Dear Parent, It might sound like you could get on the short end of the stick of this conversation, but please don’t take it this way.
The people who write on the blog, are and were desperate to get off of their drug of choice. Not only were we loaded while the world that we didn’t remember circle by, but it was nearly impossible to 1-remember conversations from the day before, 2- we drove high, 3- went to many lenghts to get our DOC (drug of choice), 4-and often had little or no money that would have made a very nice egg nest for us now. Are we weak, unable to control ourselves? No. If you’ve been reading about drug/alcohol abuse, you will see that it’s an “Illness”, a disease, and how do you treat a disease? With medication. If your Dr. said you had diabetes, would you continue to eat high sugary foods, starchy foods, or would you control you diet? And if that didn’t work , your Dr. would put you on medication. I believe this is no difference. I can tell you where I was a week from last Tuesday, who I was with, what we did, what I said; and that is something I couldn’t have done while taking my opiates. And I DEARLY wanted off the opiates for years. I just wasn’t strong enough to endure the pain of the withdrawls, and the feelings after I had withdrawn.
It gives back you life. It gives you back yourself. It gives you back to family and friends.
I understand your delima, but if you don’t understand the way the disease controls the mind and body, then please don’t judge. Yes, we’re trading one thing for another. We’re trading a bad life for a good life.
Today I’m going to my brothers funeral, because for most of his life, he couldn’t control his addiction to alcohol unless he was in jail, and I’m sure he got ahold of alcohol there. Alcohol kills in many ways. It could be from an accident, from the person getting ill. My brother drank so much it affected his heart. And now he’s gone at an early age. I had talked to him about visiting Dr.H, and he was getting on board, but it was to late.
Good luck with finding your answers. I’m just glad that we have ways to decide to help ourselves, and drs like Dr. H who take time to help. Just be
HAPPY that your son will live a well and good life, off of drugs or alcohol. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Enjoy your clean son. He’s working hard to stay sober. It’s easier said than done, even with a pill, and as Dr.H says, if you go off the pill, unfortunately, relapse will probably soon follow. The way they come up with new drugs, this may be the “old way” in a few years, 10 years; who cares. I’m just glad it’s here now. It may not be free, and it may be a bit expensive, but buying drugs on the street are even more expensive, lead you to stealing or worse. But taking this drug MAKES you free. I’m free now. And I must start getting ready to go to my brothers funeral, who didn’t make it. Sad. Like I said; Please be happy for your son…
August 15th, 2009 at 8:50 am
To parent of Child,
I’m an addict whos life has been forever changed by Suboxone wither my mind was prediposed to opiate addiction or if my drug use created my brains propensity to have to have an opiate infusion to feel “Normal” I guess is beside the point. Suboxone allows me to feel normal while I pursue a path of Recovery that will allow me to gain the tools to live in a sober world using adult tools so I do not resort to drug use. Ask your “child” what it’s like to feel normal and not have to contend with constant cravings. To me it’s a blessing. Will I ever be off this drug probably not at my age and drug history, remember Addiction is a disease and should be treated as such it’s not a matter of will power if it were I would have been clean years ago. Is Suboxone physicaly habit forming ? Yes ,but it allows me to rid myself of addictive behaviors that crippled my life over the years. Be thankful. your Child is he or she is at right now and let the future tale care of it’s self.
Strat
P.S here’s a web site that might help. http://www.naabt.org/
August 15th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
“417″ Please do, come back on here, and let us know how things are going with you…..Daily blogging for all of us would be beneficial to sobriety…
Hope everyone’s weekend is going well so far….I’m off to my “blue collar” job for a couple days..ha ha…
NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues, Aug, 18th, 5:30pm!
Please come…..
Steve–out
August 15th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Well, not a lot to add to the subox discussion. Doing as well as can be expected. Doing a lot of big book reading and talking to people on the phone list. Something I have never done and need to change. Amazingly they seem happy to hear from me and very encouraging. Shouldn’t be surprised…they all have all been there before.
Just feel like a failure. Hard blow to the ego, but maybe that’s what’s required. My life until the last few years was nothing but upwards, MBA, international business, money and romance. Alcohol has taken most of that and left me stunned. Simple solution, stop drinking. Difficult in practice.
August 15th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
417- don’t be hard on yourself. i watch my little grandchild walk, and even though she’s pretty good at it, she stumbles, shrugs her shoulders, and gets up and starts again. same with addiction. it’s when we don’t want to get up and try anymore is when we’re in trouble. everyone falls. hopefully, we’ll all get back up. you aren’t a failure. and the things you lost in your life, well, they’ll come back when you’re better, and maybe everything you lost will be even greater. don’t say you’re a failure anymore. you are trying so hard, and that’s winner in my eyes. not a failure. hope you have a restful night tonight.
think i’m heading for bed. it’s been a long week, and even 2 longer days. my heart needs to start healing, and i know pills won’t help it. i know i need to help myself this time. talk to you all tomorrow…
(417- don’t you remember the saying that nothing in life comes free or easy except for screwing up and dying? stupid joke, but i’m not myself)
August 16th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Thanks for the “addictive behavior” vs. “meetings” analogy Bupster. I still don’t have a clear fast easy obvious way to blow that comment out of the water. Yours is pretty good.
Dr H
August 16th, 2009 at 9:33 am
true statement doc h, very true. but bup does come up with the best.
getting ready to head to a meeting. crazy mess inside my head. it has been exactly one week, to the clock, that my life changed. again. oh, it’s not pity or sympathy i’m wanting; just confussion i’m feeling. i’m not the little sister anymore that adored her older brother. i’m a mom to 1/2 the children i birthed. don’t our lives change constanly daily, but maybe not to the extent that hits us so hard as if someone whacked us in the head with a hammer? but a handful of norcos sounded like a great treat last night to go with my diet pepsi. no, i didn’t. i’d rather feel the emptiness, and deal with it like a ”normal” person. i realized it had just been a long hard week, and went to sleep instead. so, with crazy thoughts in my head, i know i must go, no, RUN, to a meeting. getting to close to the cliff and thinking you won’t slip is a bad, bad thing to believe.
everyone have a great day. i’m looking forward to the weather there next week. be good…
August 16th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Hi everyone-wow this week went by so fast. been reading good NA/AA books and going to meetings, trying different ones thruout the county. I feel like i’ve been woken up from a five year sleep. the personal growth that has been happening inside my head these past few weeks is nothing short of a miracle. it’s like the big guy upstairs bitch-slapped me upside the head and shouted WAKE UP !!!! my former “life” was lived in black and white tunnel vision. now i’m in glorious technicolor . and anything is possible. I had so many ah hah moments this week. Shy little me actually walked into meetings, and actually shared, and actually felt my heart opening up during all the sharing by others. now i understand the reason for meetings, and i understand how important they are for sobriety. tonight i’m going to a beach meeting-should be fun.
can’t wait to see y’all on tues-hope you’re gonna be there DQ. enjoy sunday everyone.
August 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Hi slodancing. Planning on leaving tomorrow for good ole MB, but I’ve learned never to plan on anything anymore.
CONGRATS on seeing your life in color again. Remember when someone used to get a color TV (you are probably to young), and the family would rush to their house to watch the test pattern in ”VIVID, LIVING COLOR!” And how fancy were those tv’s, a huge piece of furniture. And yes, you had to get up and turn the volumn up and down, change channels, and now we complain when someone’s (Humm, wonder who?) diet pepsi spills on her lap, leaving the ”clicker” wet and sticky, and I’m calling DISH to get one rushed out here. SEVERAL times. I’m a little clutzy. Always have, so can’t blame that on my past. hahaha
So, for now, my plans are seeing the Doc on Tues afternoon, and making the meeting on Tuesday. I loved the first one so much, can’t wait to attend another. You all take care….
August 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
hi dq-as crazy as our lives can be, and sometimes they are really really crazy, i could not picture this blog without our dear dq on it. your comittment to this site is the glue that holds this thing together. i was trying and trying to picture who you remind me of- and finally it came to me–you are like prarie home companion. good ole garrison keiler and lake wobegone days. he knows how to turn everyday events into interesting pieces of news that everyone can relate to. so many times i find myself nodding my head or laughing over something you said. you should take your show on the road. or even better the virtual road-have you ever gone onto facebook or twitter? you would love it !!!
there are endless threads to join,games to play with other people, schoolmates to find, favorites of many choices-it truly opens up the entire world at our finger tips. i’m on it whenever possible, but i need to by a mouse for my laptop to play the “farm” game everyone is playing these days. yes, i do remember the old black and white tv’s and how exciting it was to get color finally.and i wish i was younger than you i’m 58, and somedays i feel 65, and other days 25. i’m not too old to come get you if ya dont show up on tues. hahahaha see ya!!
August 16th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Oh my gosh, you aren’t older than me. we’re in the same ”range.” thats all.
i’m on facebook, and even saw doc and steve’s pics, but as for getting my picture on there, i don’t know how. i can turn the computer on and off, get to certain places, and print my pictures for crapbooking night.
i’m an old soul. think i’ve been here before. not to say that this time around i haven’t had my times drunk dancing on tables, and let me let you know, it needs to be a round table with 4 legs, or it’ll fall over. the old days of wine and norcos.
husband and i truly could split today. his back went out in the garden this morning, he came in the house to tell me and to take his pain pills, and i got up to help him bring things in the house. he had only two boxes of tomatoes;easy to carry. he kept yelling at me that he’d drive the truck 8 ft. around to get it, and i COULDN”t BELIEVE WHAT CAME OUT OF HIS FILTHY MOUTH. sometimes i know this man, and other times, i don’t. he was lucky I wasn’t packing…a gun, not a suitcase. hasn’t been the best of days. but they mayjust get worse. i’ll be there tuesday, dont’ worry. talk to ya later.
August 16th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
My thought for the day. I wouldn’t be able to recognize the good times if I never had bad ones.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Ain’t it the truth!!!! That’s a wise one 417
August 17th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Hi,
Just checking in. Thank you Dr. H. for the post. Only a select few people knows I’m on Suboxone. They see it has trading one drug for snother.
I don’t try to argue the value of the medication, I just know these fact.
Suboxone does not get me high
I have NO/NONE craving for opiates
I was taking 20-30 Norco-Vicodin (10/325) a day
I am alive
So, I simply hold on to the results
I struggle with alcohol, but I know that is just that addict in me seeking a path to the Vicodin.
Staying in the loop will is the only thing I know that keeps me on track, AA/Posting/Meetings at SLOARC.
Please let me know if you have another tool
R
August 17th, 2009 at 10:06 am
hey kids,
since increasing my sub last month my teeth are sensitive.
anyone else have this issue?
August 17th, 2009 at 11:07 am
not me bup
August 17th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Never had that phenomena Bup.
August 17th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Hope you find an answer
August 17th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Hi everyone….Just a last reminder..SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tomorrow, Aug. 18, Tues. 5:30pm!
Hope to see ya all there….
Steve–out
August 17th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
A good meeting with the doc today. A lot of wisdom when I take the time to listen…See you tomorrow Steve.
August 17th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I’ve learned over my ‘older’ years, that I too learn more that when listening, that I keep my mouth closed, and most of important, stop thinking about what I want to say next. Was always one of my bad habits, which isn’t totally broken, but getting much better. Of course, I often forget to ask a question that was on my mind, but I can always ask later. Glad you had a good meeting today 417.
Didn’t make it to MB today like I thought. For some reasons, my damn emotions jumped on me hard this morning, and I actually crawled into bed about 2 p.m. and slept til my husband got home. I don’t sleep in the day unless I’m really sick, or way back in the day when I was pregnant. Go figure…hoping my son and brother are having a good long walk and talk…
Me can take no more.
August 17th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Oh, see ya all tomorrow at the meeting….
August 19th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Missed the meeting, but not on purpose. Went to MB, laid down for a mnute and soon it was almost 6 p,m. I think i needed the rest. My dad used to tell me, if you fall asleep, u needed it for the rest bank. Sorry I missed, but really had gret intentions. Love you all…hope the meeting was awesome, even if I wasn’t there! Love and hugs…
August 19th, 2009 at 1:57 am
The rest of the truth is my heart was sad, and I didn’t want to bring that to these great crazy meetings. At least on the blog I can hide, and you can’t see the sadness. Would never want to do that to any of you.
Steve, THANK YOU for the great talk. Since I’m taking this medicine for the pain, and i’m not abusing it, I’m giving myself a sobriety datel Might not be legal, but, pooh, it makes me feel better. Thanks for letting me talk and take up most of your time.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:01 am
D.Q. the SLOARC group is EXACTLY the right place to open up about sadness if that’s what needs to be done…Probably the safest place around, to do that…We missed you, and people asked about our D.Q….So glad you were able to get some sleep though…That’s very important…Next group will be Tues. Sept. 1st 5:30pm…..
A huge THANKS to those of you that attended last night…Very enjoyable on my part, and I hope you all took a little serenity home with you as well!
A special thanks to those who attended for the first time! Hope you found us interesting….I try not to push too many “contraversial buttons” with you, but sometimes I just CAN’T HELP MYSELF! Ha ha ha..
Have a great day everyone…
Steve–out
August 19th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Steve, did you start something last night? hahaha
No, really. I try to stay happy, and you saw me sad, and I LOVE the SLOARC group, and just wanted it to stay positive. But thanks for all of your support yesterday. I left the office just wrung out, and was SO surprised that this week would be so hard.
Hope everyone is doing well, and I have the next meeting written down already.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Okay, I just don’t see Steve pushing people’s buttons, or up against the wall as they say, and being contraversial. I can’t even imagine you Steve, when you used. You look so normal! hahaha And I forgot to ask on the blog before this, even though I’m on the meds you guys have THANKFULLY put me on, can I have some kind of sobriety date? It kills me, because, yes it does bother me, terribly, because you hit it on the head yesterday, I feel like a ”fake.” But I’m not overdoing, Im just trying to stay out of pain, and now doing LOTS of research on this surgery. I don’t know how you saw that Steve, cuz it blew my mind, especially after I left the office. It’s life, “is this stamped on my forehead or something?” Talk to ya later.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
This is the prayer my little 3 year old says before dinner. It’s on the show Wonder Pets on Noggin.
WONDER PETS, WONDER PETS
WE’RE ON OUR WAY
TO HELP YOU ALL, TO SAVE THE DAY,
WE’RE NOT TO BIG, AND WE’RE NOT TO TOUGH,
BUT WHEN WE GET TOGETHER, WE’VE GOT THE RIGHT STUFF!!!
YEA SLOARC WONDER PETS!!!!!!, AMEN.
she heard it on tv, and this is the prayer she says all the time. not only do i think its cute, of course, but it reminds me of dr h’s patients. ”when we get together, we’ve got the right stuff.
have a good evening. off to crapbooking…
August 19th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
D.Q. You CERTAINLY can have a sobriety date! We talked last night about what sobriety really is….I tried to explain to folks that the most important part of sobriety is “INTENT”…..If you eat 40 tomatoes with the INTENT that they will get you high, you should probably change your sobriety date! (also, if that’s what you did, after they didn’t get you high, you would FOR SURE, go find something that DID!! HAha..) So back to your situation; you are using some pain meds to make your life bearable on a daily basis…As far as I can see, you ARE NOT abusing them, and only taking them as needed…Is that active addiction? Not in my book…When you get through the surgeries and whatever else needs to be done, THEN we will work on getting you back to what most folks would call a “drug free life”…..UNTIL THEN, you are fully vested member of our recovering community, and of the SLOARC family!! Have a great evening all…I’m off to the 5:30pm Alano Club meeting, if anyone would like to join me, come on over!!! Ha ha…
Steve–out
August 19th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Thanks for the meeting last night Steve. Wow, a full house! Like the informal atmosphere for a change of pace.
I don’t consider myself a germaphobe but after tonight’s meeting I had to wonder how great an idea it is to end the meeting holding hands with two people, one who had been coughing into his hand the whole meeting. Didn’t really think about it before but with all the flu going around it seems pretty dumb. I guess I either skip it by going to the bathroom right before or carrying hand sanitizer in the car for immediate cleansing. Anybody think that’s actually more gemaphobe or common sense?
Hell, in the Japanese subways you see people wearing masks so as not to spread germs to others, here we seem to think I’m sick, I’m not changing my behavior, so good luck to you.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:20 am
417- And when you go to Japanese, they give you those great WARM wash cloths. You aren’t germaphobic–you just don’t like getting sick. I’m the same way. Have baby wipes in my car and purse all the time. Of course, I have 2 small grandgirls.
Thank you Steve. Like we talked the other day, no, I’m not abusing what you guys are giving me, I don’t even crave them, and I’m still in pain, just a more bearable pain. Like, I can get up and go to the bathroom without crying. So, THANK YOU for letting me have a sobriety date. I’ve felt so fake being off of the subox, even though I’ve come to you guys for the help. So, what’s my date? You know how I cried when Doc took away my sobriety date in the beginning cuz I took ONE SIP of a wine margarita, and I honestly cried all the way home. I think I got two lolipops that day, and 4 lottery tickets, even though I didn’t get any on Tuesday. haha But the way things are going, I’m sure my luck would have been bad. You’ve made me feel like a part of the group again. Thanks.
417- i was so afraid to go to the SLOARC meetings, and when I went to my first , and unfortunataly last so far, but I loved the atmosphere and the love that flowed. Glad you went. You’re doing great.
Everyone have a great day….j
August 20th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I’m sorry I missed the SLOARC meeting on tuesday.
I had no way up there so I went to my normal AA meeting instead.
Hopefully, I can attend the next one.
I’m having a really hard time today.
I know I don’t want to go back to the hell I made for myself by using and drinking but the odds are stacked against me and it makes me really worried.
I got to look like an idiot crying at the bus stop today but I’d rather cry and feel all these ridiculous emotions than drink them down as I always have.
My eldest sister is coming around and starting to not hate me as much so I have a lot to be thankful for having a supportive family most of the time.
I hope everyone is having a better day than me.
hahaha
August 20th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Alchy-
I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Getting sober is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and there are many days when I feel like throwing in the towel. When things seem like they are never going to get better, hold on no matter what. Tomorrow is a new day and a chance to start over. Your sister warming up to you is a gift of sobriety. If you continue to wait it out, there will be many more to come. Don’t ever give up. If you are ever feeling sad, use your AA phone list or call some of the group members at SLOARC. No matter how lame that sounds, I have saved myself a number of times by reaching out. The odds are stacked against all of us. Together, we can fight against those odds. Don’t ever forget that you NEVER have to do this alone.
There is a young people’s meeting, tonight @ Melody, Downtown SLO, on Garden ST, up the stairs next to Bel Frites. It starts @ 6:00 pm, and afterwards, we hang out @ Guiseppie’s. Would love to see some of you there!
Have a good evening everyone!
JWS
August 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
JWS-
Thanks for your post. I really needed someone to just give me some positive thinking because I get really pessimistic at times. I don’t want to go back out because all the gifts of sobriety I’m receiving is 100 times better than any drunk or high I had. Don’t get me wrong, some times when I was drinking or using were wonderful but I’m over that period of my life and ready to move on to something way better.
I need to always remember I’m not in this sobriety deal alone. Thank you all for being here for me.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
alchy, my brother was an alcoholic for most of his wonderful life. i think it’s one of the HARDEST things to stop, but so well worth the benefits in the long run. i had a hard day today just thinking about him…i didn’t think i’d be mourning and grieving so much…i think it’s like Steve told me the other day…i still haven’t gotten over my son’s death yet, them, whamo. but you listen here. my brother tried, but not very hard to stop. because i adored my brother, and in my eyes, he could do anything he wanted to do. he just didn’t want to stop. he thought he could have his cake and eat it to. i might have been upset with him for a week when he was in an accident and hurt someone, but being an addict myself, i know the pitfalls we must face. so alchy, if you were my brother, i’d be proud if you cried, i’d be proud of you TRYING, and flip the people who don’t understand. i’m glad you say you have a supportive family, and let me tell you, my sister has been mad at my brother for years…so much that she didn’t cry when she found out he died, she didn’t cry at the funeral or cemetary, and honestly, i pity her. i support you alchy, and will stand by you everyday. you help me by not becoming a statistic like my brother, and i’ll pray for you everyday. your sister will come around, and until she does, don’t worry about it. sounds like she has some problems herself. God bless….
August 20th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
one more little thing i was thinking about after my appointment the other day. i told steve that what they have me on doesn’t make me feel high, or low, or cravings for it, and that’s all true. then it dawned on me, that i hadn’t felt the ”high” for years, i just didn’t want to get sick getting off of it. if i took 20 norcos before a party, i still didn’t get that ”good ole feeling.” don’t know why, knew i was tired of it. anyone else go through those feelings before stopping? Oh, and i get a sobriety date. I’m taking aug. 9th, the day the music died for my brother…
August 20th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
DQ-
I know that drugs and alcohol stop working for a lot of people before they quit. Many people say…and I have to agree…that we are chasing that first drunk or that first high for the rest of our lives. Toward the end of my use, I still got high, but it took a lot more, and did not last very long. Many people I know say that it stopped working entirely. Many people only use, in the end, to maintain, or not get sick, just as you said. I know that I had to take an excessive amount to get high. Most of my days were about maintaining the ability to function. Drugs and alcohol become our life source, sad, but true. I am so grateful that we don’t have to live like that anymore. That goes for everyone here. You NEVER have to live that way again.
Love you all,
JWS
August 20th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
The “good ole feeling” stopped a long time ago. Very rarely did a few drinks with friends feel like a good time. Sitting alone with a bottle of vodka is not a good time. The only thing worse was the pain of withdrawl. But that only had to happen for a few days, continuing drinking was perpetual hell. “Free of bondage” is a wonderful thing.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:27 am
Just wondering, cuz it went through my ears yesterday like a lighting bug! Wondered if it was just me, or others, and if it is others, as I’m hearing it is, why keep it up and not get help sooner?
417- haven’t met you yet, but thanks for responding.
JWS- Haven’t met you, but you know I love you to pieces.
and to alchy- we need to change that name, unless your attached to it and love it. It defines who you were; not who you are becoming just give it some thought. have a GREAT DAY TODAY. if you want to call and talk, the office has my permission to give my cell # to anyone, and you do remind me of my brother. God Bless you, and I pray He carries you today, so you may build up your strength. I’m breaking here, and letting you know my name is jane. just plain jane. I think you are going to have an awesome day. you’re just in the beginning, an the beginning can be great, or it sucks. Here’s to a great day. For everyone. A little quiet agaih on the blog. look at our numbers, and we are almost finished with Aug. Must be back to school, gettig kids back to school. i bet we have lots to say in sept.
mk- is it still okay to get your number? thanks
rocking- are you rocking, or having your surgery? kisses to you and stay well.
where is ratdog?
Let me just be very polite. WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE????? oH, WAS THAT TO BLUNT? MY BAD….BUT I CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU…
August 21st, 2009 at 5:37 am
Sorry, i’ve lost so much in sucha short time, i really, honestly, truly, promise you, that I could loose any more at this time. it would be my breaking point. just loosing sleep is getting to be to much..night
August 21st, 2009 at 9:31 am
Alchy- wanted to make sure you have an awesome day today.
417=thanks for answering my question, because when it came to my mind yesterday, it thought, “Ah ha!” This is one way to KNOW when you really want to quit. It’s like going to the opera, enjoying it, and one day, you don’t, but don’t know how to get out of it. (I do enjoy the opera however). I just remembered yesterday how many pills I took because I did’nt want to be ill. I wasn’t as funny anymore, i didn’t laugh and enjoy myself anymore, i was depressed,and thought the MORE i took, i’d go back to my happy self again. didn’t work. sad that i still took norcos for years cuz i didn’t know about Dr. H, I’d only met no personality Dr. G who gave me darvocets for 10 days and I’d be detoxed, and never in my life did I feel crappier. He got me down to 1/2 a darvocet on the last day. WOW. that did loads of good. And I was worse to my family trying to stay sober from this dr. than I did when i took the pills. i remember on a follow up and i told him i didn’t feel well, and he said, ”drink some alcohol. i hear it works.” well yeah, i found out years later that we was recovering dr who took opiates and drank. good intentions, but telling me to drink? Iwas just out of sorts. finally found a new dr., got back on my pills, and didn”t look back for a few years. sad. just so sad. not for us. we do it to ourselves. sad that there are dr’s out there that don’t know what the hell they are talking about. so, a shout out to DR.H who cares, you look in his eyes and you know he knows, he puts up with our nonsense, he knows when we’ve been good or bad for goodness sake, and has cool candy and lotto tickets (even though I didn’t get mine last time), and to Steve and Rick who know what’s going on. God bless ya all. August 21st should be Dr.H and staff day. SOOO, Happy Dr. H and staff day, even though my mom died on Aug 21 in 95. But, time heals, i’m good with it.
Okay. I need to go pack. I came home early from the coast, because my heart and soul hurt, and hubby said, drive home, and I’ll drive you on friday. love to all with hugs……
HAPPY DR H AND STAFF DAY!!!. Our pill bottle caps are off to you…and may they remain that way…
August 21st, 2009 at 9:32 am
okay, i didn’t sleep, and i’m tired and rambling. i was sleeping, and now, phlat. nutting…..
August 21st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Awfully quiet today…
August 21st, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Wow, D.Q.’s next appointment should be Comp’d!
August 21st, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Sometimes quiet days are good, sometimes not. Quiet for me. Got a lot of work done and went for a noon meeting and afternoon bike ride. Making a healthy dinner, drinking a diet pepsi (unadulterated), and preparing for an early night. Should have rented a movie. Big decision, early meeting tomorrow or beach meeting at night. I caught the end of the weather report where it said we might have rain tomorrow or was I delusional?
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
not deslusional.
i feel like i’m floating above everyone, making everyone unhappy and causing throuble,and wondering, why am i floating around if i don’t help anyone. i feel life saying ‘fuck it all’ except i’m trying not to cuss anymore. what a joke. what can i do to help anyone, good or bad? i just exist… aw, ignore me. … i’m mind is just all messed up….like me. the good ole question ‘why did you put me here god…all i do is mess up.”
no pity, just curious…..
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Drama Queen-
Thank you for wishing me good days. I wish I got on the blog and saw them earlier. I hope you are having great days as well. As for my name, I am an alcoholic and I don’t think it’s a bad thing as long as I’m in recovery. Alcoholics and addicts can be such creative amazing people when they aren’t using and actually use their talents. I don’t know, maybe I’m just used to having to say my name then “and I’m an alcoholic” in AA meetings or something so it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I’m so sorry about your brother still, I’m happy you have not used over it though. That is by far a huge accomplishment you should be proud of. I don’t know if I could be as strong as you. I’m going to try my best to not become another statistic and you should too
Today was unfortunately a really bad day. No matter what I did I couldn’t get the craving to drink or use away. I went to three meetings and they didn’t seem to help. I’m actually very surprised I haven’t messed up my sobriety today. Maybe it’s the weather, but I’m particularly down today. I wish I could call my sponsor but she’s in Hawaii and has no phone reception. So I decided to blog it away instead of using/drinking it away.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:23 am
Alchy, GREAT MOVE on your part to get on the blog!! I STILL have cravings sometimes too; I just don’t ACT on them, and they DO go away…Don’t forget HALT….Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired……ESPECIALLY with alcohol, EATING can kill a craving quickly! SO GLAD you are being proactive in your sobriety….Keep up the good work…..Have you tried calling your sponsor?? I had great cell reception last Summer when I was in Hawaii…….Check it out…It could be your “Alcoholic” that says, you can’t get ahold of her…..but if not, I have a list of several women you can call who would love to help you while your sponsor is away….You know the number!! HA ha….541-0632
Have a great Sunday everyone…
Steve–out
August 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 am
Morning All,
Yes Alchy, the stigma of Alchholism and Addiction, we have a consumer society the demands that we ingest every conceivable substance known to man and then when we find out that we are not equiped with an off switch we are somehow considered damaged goods because we cannot ingest like “normal” people. Don’t get me wrong I take full responsiblity for my actions in this dance but it seems to me that society as a whole does not question why we have consumer goods like Alchohol. That if you truly consider it’s merit’s it realy doesn’t have any, but it remains a staple of our civilization just because it’s been around so long.
O.K. so much for that tirade I got on that kick the other day at a book study meeting while reading chapter 3 where the subject of Alchoholics attempting to drink like normal people is discussed. In my case thats a false argumment because I never in my wildest dreams ever attempted to drink like a normal person.I drank to get drunk period and I used to high period. My Addict told me stories to make it seem other wise but thats the bottom line.
Strat.
PS Alchy you can call me Steve’s got my Number (Boy does he L.O.L.)
August 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Hang in there Alchy-
I had a craving the other day to use, and it was hard to handle. BUT it eventually passed. You are taking all of the right steps by going to meetings and talking about it on the blog. Try praying about it and make sure you pay attention to HALT. (hokey as it sounds, it works!) Like I hear so many say, one day there will be a moment when there is nothing between you and a drink or a drug, except your belief in a higher power. That is why it’s so important to have one…and in the meantime…you can fill up your toolbox as much as possible.
When it comes down to it remember this : Don’t drink or use NO MATTER WHAT! Some people like to add the word “FUCKING” in between “MATTER” and “WHAT” for emphasis, but either one will do. 
Stay strong, and remember that you never have to do this alone.
Love you all!
JWS
Oh…meeting @ 5:30pm tonight @ SLO Alano Club. <3
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
JWS, you r just so darn cute. y not say, no ”flipping” matter what? lol
alchy, sorry you are having some bad days. i think of it as missing our good ole best friend. and they went out of town, or out with someone else, lost their phone, and we miss them. but trust me, THEY AREN’T THINKING ABOUT YOU, OR ME, OR ANYONE ELSE. selfish bastard (can I say that?) this has been a hard time, missing my son, my brother and my NORCO’S!!!!! so, i just accept the depression, and know it’ll go away. can’t stay around forever. so, just ride it out. go to the beach and sit on the sand. watch the powerful water, and imagine that you are becoming that powerful water, and no one will mess with you anymore. then you’ll met GOOD friends, kind friends, caring friends. one’s who say, ”how are U alchy, can I help U get through today? unselfish friends. have a good day. anything I can do for you today to make you feel better?
hugs to all. still floating, still depressed.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Hi all, In my experience I’ve noticed that the cravings themselves are physicaly very short lived it’s the obsesive thinking about the cravings that got me in trouble. They stayed long after the physical sensations went away, I found that getting into a place where you can interact with others and get outside yourself helped alot or simply sitting down and making a quick list of gratitudes. It realy is the simple things that help the most.
Strat
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I think the physical cravings are different for alcoholics. After a few (4-6) days of detox my body is not craving alcohol. At least it seems that way to me. I understand it is different for other drugs. No, for me it is the obsession, romancing that drink and thinking, maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. I’ll only drink tonight, I’ll only have a couple, and on and on. Like you said Stratman, that is the time to stop the thought from continuing, get outside myself. My old sponsor always told me to think the drink through to the “honest finish”. First, it will not ever be as fun as it used to be, second, it will inevitably lead to a hangover, which will lead to more booze, which will lead to a horrible next few days. And that’s the absolute best outcome; it may, and odds are it will be, much worse. Good time to tell my addict, “nice try, but not today”.
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
417 like saying you’ll start your diet tomorrow? i will admit, that is one lucky thing, if an addict can be lucky, is the subox takes the cravings away, and by the time you’ve gone and made your first appointment, you have already made up your mind that you don’t want this life anymore, and we’re ”lucky” that that we get to take a subox, no cravings, no holding onto the golden porcelin throne, you just start living again. oh, not all that easy, don’t get me wrong, and if you don’t keep seeing doc and going to meetings, you’ll be in trouble pretty fast. but much easier to get back to your life. just my opinion…hope you have a good week 417, and if you get down… call, call and call someone, or blog, blog blog til something makes sense. oh, and meetings to help. you’re gonna make it…tell your addict to piss off…give you a week off…or give you back your life….its yours, and you own it…
August 24th, 2009 at 3:35 am
OK everyone….here we go into another week! LOTS of great blogging lately…I love it when we are able to help each other out on here! Keep up the good work! NEXT SLOARC GROUP SESSION: Tues. Sept. 1, 5:30pm..Did everyone MAKE THE CALL from the phone list like we talked about?????? Don’t force me to cancel recess for our next class….ha ha ha…just kiddin’ of course….That group belongs to YOU GUYS! Very enjoyable.
Steve—out
August 24th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
What phone list????????
August 24th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Everyone okay, or is it going to be another slow blog week? Hope you are all well…
August 25th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Thanks everyone for the support.
I’m feeling a bit better.
Steve- I did try calling my sponsor and I never got through, but fear not she’s back and we’re meeting up tomorrow to do some more step work.
You will probably get a call from me eventually when I can’t reach her. I just kept calling other people from my AA group.
I hope everyone is doing well.
<3
August 25th, 2009 at 2:00 am
Hi alchy. How sweet you are to be concerned about others when you’re having a hard time. Take time for yourself, we’ll always be here ready to listen and talk back. Glad your sponsor is back. See, things are looking better already. Take care, and let us know how you are doing tomorrow. God bless you…
August 25th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
help, having bad anxiety today, meds barely helping , im calling doc.
just got some good advice from steve.. thanks i’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Not sure what has come over me, but I just cant get my mind to stop worrying. I’m goin in circles, waiting for something to happen , or not to happen. weird. been making regular meetings, and sort of looking for a new sponsor. I need to find someone with smilar experiences. Cant sleep
the bed has become an enemy latley, just looking at it makes me upset.
Fighting the urge to start making “the calls”. find out who has what and how much?.. but for now ill stick to the plan and try to hang on till tomorrow…see doc and steve, and listen to what they suggest.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
scruff,
i had similar issues - downed them with benzos.
opiates, booze & benzos….fuck, the memories.
once i got off norcos & booze, i couldn’t sleep without my valium.
anxiety, sleeplessness…..
all trumped w/ more and more pills.
listen to doc & steve - they do have a solution.
mine was vistaril.
helped, helped a lot.
i was sleeping well and taming the anxiety (enough) w/ it.
i don’t know your situation, but if your going down that road……
just a suggestion.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
scruff- hang in their baby! you did the right thing calling the doc and steve. bug them all night if you need to, BUT DO NOT CALL YOUR “”OLD FRIENDS”". understand the feeling of wanting to feel normal again, but promise, the best is yet to come. you won’t regret it.
bad day today myself. lonely…sad…
you be okay, and I’ll be okay. OKAY? hugs
August 26th, 2009 at 6:42 am
PERFECT! Thanks bloggers for helping our friend “Scruffy” out! This is EXACTLY the kind of support WE ALL (including me!) need….Scruffy, I am SO PROUD of you for taking some POSITIVE actions yesterday….USING the tools we keep talking about is the ONLY WAY they work….and thanks for agreeing to come in and see Doc and I today!
Stay on the road to recovery everyone, even though it has hair-pin turns, and rough spots at times, the end result is worth it…For myself, everytime I went back to my drug of choice when I didn’t “Feel right”, I would wake up the next day, and guess what??? Yup, the problem I used over was STILL THERE, PLUS I had to deal with all the fallout from using again….It becomes the “snowball” effect…bigger and bigger, and bigger, until one day it got to the point where I COULDN’T drink and use enough to make the guilt and shame go away…I knew I was pretty much screwed at that point, but if forced me to make a decision…I decided to try sobriety and so far it has worked one day at a time for 3,515 days….I figure if I do SOMETHING for my sobriety today, I have a good chance of adding another morning where I don’t have to wake up in terror, and try to piece together the events of the previous day…MANY times I would “come to” in the morning, and the first thing I would do (after a few pills, and a nice dose of vodka) is go out and look at my car to see if there was any damage or blood on it…..More than once, my fears came true, and I still to this day, do not know what I ran into, or who…….Living amends is the only way I have to deal with that….Life is so good today….As you ALL know, staying drunk and/or loaded is a FULL TIME JOB!!! It takes a tremendous amount energy to keep yourself in a “comfortably numb” (Thanks Pink Floyd) state…..
Luv ya all,
Steve—out
August 26th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Hope today is a better day Scruffy. I know those days and when I made it to the next one it was nearly always better. When I didn’t, and decided to drink, the next day was always worse. All the anxiety, fears, and now add guilt and a hangover to the mix. You’re doing the right thing in reaching out, something I still struggle with. You’ve helped me by showing me that’s what I need to do when I get in the same situation.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Scruffy - I’ve had plenty of those days where you just want to say “screw it” and go back to old habits. But it won’t help, you’ll feel worse and have to start living sober all over again. It’s just not worth it. I’m proud of you for getting it through it the right way. That is a huge accomplishment you should be proud of. As for sleeping issues I’m in the same boat, I’ve been looking for a sleeping aide that I can’t get addicted to that works for me. It’s a slow process but Doc set me up with another great doctor who is taking the time to find the right prescription for me. Maybe the sleeping issue will go away for you but if not Doc can find something to help you out.
Today is was better than the past few days I’ve been having.
I am going to be a sharing secretary for a young people’s meeting in Arroyo Grande with my best friend. It’s just what I needed actually. So I’m happy about that.
Thank you everyone for listening to me whine and complain the past few days, but thank you even more for helping me through it all.
I hope everyone is having a great day.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Hello you all. Never bloged before and im looking forward to talking about my recovery.I have been on Soboxone now for 4 months. Yes, the quality of living my life has gotten so much better. For the last 9 years my body has been dependent on pain meds. They worked at first.Then after a year or so not as well. So im sure you know what happened next. I increased the dose. I ended up on methadone with a norco back. It took me a good 3 years to make up my mind to quit taking narks.I had to decide between living with pain, or staying on meds. It was really had for me caz I have back issues. But, glory be to God,I made the right choice. I noticed a week or so after I started the Soboxone, that at least 75% of my pain was gone. That was only the beginning. I almost feel human. I’m very thankful for Soboxone. Thanks for taking me in Dr. Holwalt, and Steve. I know you’ll help me.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
alchy-I’ve told you we don’t consideriate whining an complaning. it’s cleansing. if we all felt that way, no one would blog.
i trust Doc with my life. so, any problems, call him. period. this is what he does. he’s a good man, with a good staff. CALL, CALL, CALL. they won’t let you down.
have had the flu for 3 days, and it’s the ‘’shits”. hate the flu.
everyone stay happy and well…hugs to all…
August 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
but he’s not a mindreader, and you need to blog, write or call so he knows what is going on. this is my free ad for this week…
August 27th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Drama Queen - Thanks for the advice. I should start calling them if I’m struggling. I know they’d help me out just like how everyone on here does. I woke up sick this morning, I hope I don’t have the flu too. I hope you feel better soon.
Green Eyed Lady - Welcome to the blog
It has helped me out immensely being able to write about my problems and have people respond with good advice and encouragement. I’m glad you are feeling better with the Soboxone.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Hello, Green Eyed Lady
I too had back pain issues and even after surgery I had self generated pain so my Addict could continue to use. Today with the Docs help A/A,Yoga I’m almost pain free in my back and between my ears. So welcome and keep coming back.
Strat.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
GEL(Green eyed Lady) WELCOME!!!!! Great to have you here…..Like has been said above, I too use the blog on a regular basis…Another good tool for sobriety…..
Have a good evening all..I’m off to an AA meeting for myself….
HOT TODAY HERE IN SLO!!!
Steve–out
August 27th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Hotter in Fresno Steve…I’d almost bet. haha
2nd time out of bed, an alchy, I HOPE YOU DON”T HAVE THE FLU EITHER.
My husband is making homemade icecream, and my stomach is already rejecting it . He’s just trying, bless his.
welcom GEL. Glad you hoped on board, and that you enjoy the ride. Only people going through it understand what you are going to. again, welcome.
nite.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
hi everyone- i just totally deleted my whole post, so i’ll try to remember.
hi to green eyed-i could relate to your story with the pain and all, and have found that suboxone has taken care of most of my pain. i used to take all my morning pain meds, crawl to the hottest shower ever, take more ultram, robaxin, norco, lyrica, and i still hurt. like wise stratman said, “self-generated pain so the addict could still use.” that strat, and bupester come up with some intelligent, honest shit.
and if you want honesty, come to a meeting at the office on tues. we are a group of people that really really know what miracles have happened while under doc and steve’s care. any question you may have, someone there has been through it, believe me. hope to see you.
and drama queen, please please come–i want to meet you very much !!!
and believe it-it was very hot here today. 102 in slo. had to stick my head in the freezer ( no a/c at work)
hope that scruffy, alchy, 417, rockinstuff, and everyone in our bloggin family, has a great friday.
you guys don’t even know how much you help :}
August 28th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Ok everyone….There is A NEW THREAD FOR SEPT>>>>so NO MORE POST HERE…OK? HA ha…
Steve—out (and moving over to “September, Summer is waning” post site)
September 11th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I have a question about the Suboxone..bare with me I am not the one who has a drug problem, well yes, guess I can say I do I suffer as much as my better 1/2 anyhow..just checking into this program which seems to be working great for many of you..way to go. My question is..okay..if I read right..the suboxone basically blocks the “pain” for/from the withdrawns,helps stops the craving. What if you are say in a bad car accident and need pain medicide. Or if the person needs to have surgery who is on any of these types of “withdraw” helpers. Please excuse me if I am not wording this right and I hope someone knows what I mean. I know the program my better 1/2 is on now. (personally I think the place sucks) but when he’s had to have any kind of “s urgery which thank god it was minor, just a few teeth pulled and some shots in his neck for both normally they would give a person some sort of local for the pain but he went without because we didn’t want to worry about the drugs not mixing will with well..whatever..anyhow..sorry to ramble..can anyone help me understand a little more about this Suboxone and the other drug that this place uses to help you all.
I also want to say..I may not know how an addict feels..but believe me..I’ve been living with one for gosh 25 years and I know..not matter what some say and I hate to put it like this..you all are wonderful people and it just sucks that there isn’t something out there to just make it all go away. I hate that the “normal” people just think people who are addicts do it for the fun of it..sure..might of started out like that..but you sure didn’t mean pick to have this disease. Good luck to you all..you all are always in my thoughts and prayers..yep..evenif I don’t know ya! sorry again..for the rambling! and for any typo’s